Gagirl

There is nothing rational about anxiety. That is why my therapist has sent me to find someone who may be living with the same feelings this long after diagnosis. Fear of rejection reaches farther than potential lovers. I know I’ve somehow lucked into a relationship with a very forgiving man, but rejection can take many other forms- from family, friends, coworkers, and being the target of jokes. The words, “Ugh, I’d just go ahead and kill myself if I ever got an STD” have been ingrained in my brain since hearing them as a teenager. I know I am not struggling with the acceptance from others, I’m struggling with acceptance of myself.

That’s what I’m struggling with. This is how I’ve felt about myself for 9 years, and I don’t know what I can do to break the cycle of negative thinking. I’ve been told countless times that thinking this way doesn’t help anything, but I’ve never been given suggestions for how to stop it. I don’t know how to get to that “aha moment” when I’m suddenly okay with things. That’s why my therapist suggested I talk to others who have had that moment and figure out what led to it. I’ve been at a blank for a long time.

I was diagnosed 9 years ago. It was about two months after I started dating my ex. I was 19 and mortified. I instantly began thinking who would ever want me again, which is why I stayed with the partner who gave me H. The relationship quickly turned abusive, but I stayed out of fear and shame for 5 years. I was riddled with depression and anxiety that I’ve never been able to control. After I finally decided being alone with H for the rest of my life was a better option than living through the abuse, I left. I started seeing someone who helped me get out of the abusive relationship. We had been lifelong friends and a strong romantic relationship quickly formed. Out of shame and fear of rejection, I did not disclose to him until after he moved in with me a few months later. He immediately told me it didn’t mean anything to him, and we’ve since married. My husband is asymptotic or H-free; he’s never bothered to get tested. I know not disclosing it to him was wrong. The guilt and disgust I have for myself is unbearable, even all these years later. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD from my H diagnosis and am struggling with self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. I’ve never told any of my friends and family because of the shame. I know it’s a manageable skin condition. I know how common H is. I know I’ve been able to move on to a loving relationship where my husband forgives me. I just can’t forgive myself. Even with regular therapy, I still find myself disgusting and hate what I am. I’m not sure how to end the stigma and rage I feel towards myself. Suicidal thoughts come and go. The recent stress of reprocessing my trauma in therapy caused a psychosomatic OB for the first time in 8 years. My therapist sent me here for help from people who may have experienced the same self stigma. Any advice/ resources is appreciated.