Jump to content

girltryingtodate

Members
  • Posts

    16
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    1

Posts posted by girltryingtodate

  1. Please remember that many of us know exactly how you feel! You are not alone in how you are feeling. It's awful and really hard especially when you are constantly reminded of it with an OB which I am sure spikes your stress level and again causes another OB (vicious cycle). I would try to think about this as a way your body lets you know that something isn't right ... stress is a huge part of OBs (at least for me). I noticed if I do a light workout, eat mostly plant-based, drink lots of water, get plenty of sleep, and meditate then I tend to not have frequent OBs. I know it's hard - oh so hard to deal with this - but you are stronger than this virus and I promise with time it will get better. ❤️

  2. On 2/17/2019 at 10:42 PM, Ishmael said:

    I haven't read this whole thread, but you need to calm down. You have a responsibility to your partner to disclose before engaging in sexual activity that could infect them. That's it. He wasn't at risk, so whatever. Disclose before sex, but don't beat yourself up over making out or giving someone a blowjob. Dude should be extremely grateful, TBH. 

    You made me chuckle, thank you for that! I am now feeling much better as I disclosed to him and don't feel like I am hiding something or being dishonest. He was so nice about the whole thing and doesn't have a problem with it which is a relief. It's been good to hear positive support from everyone on here and my friends. I def had made this a bigger deal in my head than it needed to be - just hate feeling like I am not being honest. We live and learn.

    • Like 1
  3. On 2/17/2019 at 10:11 PM, Bambina3 said:

    Did you have sexual intercourse? No, then you didn’t do anything wrong. Be kind to yourself.

    Thank you so much for the kind words. I know I have made this a bigger deal in my head than it needs to be but I tend to do that. I am out of a very long term relationship and navigating dating and having to deal with disclosure is all a bit new. I did disclose to him the other day and to my surprise, he has no issues with it. 🙂

  4. I was having a very hard time last week in anticipation of having to disclose to a man I had recently started dating. I had posted on here about how we ended up getting slightly physical (no sex) and I had not disclosed that night. I knew I hadn't exposed him to the virus but not disclosing before getting even slightly physical is not who I am. So in anticipation of now having to have a harder talk I was basically driving myself mad with anxiety and panic attacks. I decided that I just needed to take care of this and let life happen as it will.

    It's been a while since I've had to have this talk as I recently got out of a very long-term relationship. I spent a lot of time here reading through the success stories and the disclosure pamphlet. I am so grateful for this forum and the information on here. It truly helps to know that we are not alone and that success is possible. 

    So now for the disclosure part ... long story short, the other day I saw him finally and let him know my situation. I was expecting that I would cry and just run off after disclosing but I was completely shocked at myself - I didn't cry and was more confident than I ever thought possible. I suppose writing out a script for myself and practicing saying the words out loud to myself, the mirror, my therapist, and friends really helped. Anyway, I was expecting that he would nicely reject me and I would just have a long cry at home but instead, he told me it's not a big deal and that he knew people who have. I don't know how to explain the relief I felt and the rush of endorphins that filled my body at that moment. I had all the stats ready in case he had questions and all the worst case scenarios playing in my head but instead, it turned out to be an open and vulnerable conversation without any judgment. I cannot express how I elated I have been feeling.

    Right now I am trying to enjoy this feeling of success and take things one step at a time. Of course, I don't know how this relationship will work out in the long run .. I don't have a magic ball that tells the future .. but even if things do not work out and we go our separate ways I know that there are wonderful humans out there who do not let a stupid virus stand in the way of a possibly beautiful relationship. I also have learned that being vulnerable is powerful and beautiful and really shows a very mature side of the human both disclosing and receiving the information.

    I surprised myself by being courageous and acting from a place of love, openness, and caring and the universe surprised me right back. Of course in the back of my mind I know that not everyone will react this way but in life, we must learn to love ourselves as we are and accept ourselves before seeking the acceptance of others and herpes is slowly teaching me how to do just that.

    • Like 2
  5. I think people need time to research and deal with their feelings. Try not to take it personally that the initial reaction was a rejection - remember they reject the virus or the stigma of the virus and not you. (I know sometimes that's even harder bc they like you but bc of the virus they reject you which seems so unfair.) I've had a situation where I disclosed was rejected and then a week later the person came back - it ultimately didn't work out but for reasons other than the virus. And also, I am trying to think of these scenarios as at least it's one more person who now has a less stigmatized view of herpes. I am now starting to date and it is very hard to reveal such a vulnerable part of yourself to someone and being rejected. But if you really like the person I think it's worth giving it a try. After all, we are all isn't dating really just taking a leap of faith.

  6. Doctors really don't get it. I understand because to them it's just a skin issue and they know that it's not a big deal but to us the stigma and the OBs really impact life. I wouldn't take Valtrex every time before a period unless you feel that you may be getting an OB only because it does impact your kidneys. I'm pretty good at knowing when I am getting an OB - I get very itchy and supper tingly. As soon as I feel like maybe I am getting an OB I take Valtrex. 

    It's been emotionally more draining than anything else on me. I actually went to a psychologist to talk about this and will continue to do so until I feel like I have accepted it. I tried to deal with it on my own but after years I am still distressed whenever I have to disclose to a new partner. (Clearly didn't deal with it correctly just bottled it up.) So now it's time to deal with it properly for me and not for anyone else. I would suggest if you are having a lot of emotional difficulties (depression and anxiety) to make an appointment with a psychologist if you can. I only had one session and already feel a little better. Just talking to someone in real life helps. 

    I hope you're doing well!

  7. 1 hour ago, 100918 said:

    I am 40 and my partner is a few years older. We'd only been dating a couple of weeks before we got intimate. I think it has more to do with maturity and understanding than it does with age. My ex-husband is 47 and I guarantee that he would not have been accepting of it...and I can also pretty much guarantee that he is the one who gave it to me. But is an immature uneducated ass. 

    If I didn't feel like my partner was going to be receptive to what I had to say, I wouldn't be dating him, and certainly wouldn't have bothered to disclose because I would never have gotten intimate with him. I really think that being HSV+ really makes us take a good hard look at who we are dating and consider things more carefully...but I was still scared to disclose...but for no justified reason, as it turns out.

    I agree about it having to do with maturity more than anything else. I am so happy for you that you've found someone who is mature and educated. The educated part really does make a big difference in the way people view this. I am so sorry about your ex-husband. My college boyfriend was the one who gave it to me after refusing to use protection. Then when I told him, he insisted that it couldn't have been him bc he was clean - but still wouldn't use protection with me even after I told him. I felt so trapped I stayed with him for years even though he was definitely cheating on me and just immature in all the ways you can imagine. (Thankfully that part of life is now behind me.)

    I've definitely had to reflect on my behavior more now than I would have ever in the past. I used to enjoy casual sex and no strings attached but now I really need to think about what I want and with whom I am willing to be open. It's still hard sometimes because I crave the physical closeness and fear that I won't find someone that will be accepting. I am hopeful. I keep telling myself there is a lesson in this I just need to work on myself and how I view the situation. Life brought this to me for a reason. Some days are easier than others.

    Right now I am trying to get the courage to disclose this new guy that I was with the other night. I don't know him enough - we've only been out a few times but now since we have been physical I can't continue to see him and not disclose until I feel I am ready to have sex. I think it would be unfair and is leading a person on. The anticipation of rejection is the hardest. But we will see. I just need to start disclosing and feeling comfortable having this talk.

  8. ARGH I am so sorry that you also feel like this. It is the worst shit I've had to deal with. I keep telling myself there is a lesson in this somewhere and there must be a positive in this all but I just can't see it yet. It's so nice that you are open with your mom and that she supports you. Until recently I hadn't opened up to anyone about it bc I had really awful initial reactions from two friends. When I was first diagnosed I told my roommate because I really needed to talk to someone and her reaction was to buy toilet seat covers and make me feel like I was disgusting. Needless to say that it took me very long after that to disclose to others. The other friend I told went and told her boyfriend and all their friends. Thank god I am no longer in that circle of people. I've recently opened up to my sister and it has helped me a lot. I also opened up to a gay friend of mine who was more supportive and open-minded than I could have ever anticipated any human to be. I know what you mean about talking to people ... it really feels like a burden is lifted off your shoulders and like you're just a little bit closer to feeling like yourself. I figure every conversation I have with people I trust will help prepare me for the day I have to disclose to a partner. I want to be open and confident and not feel like I am a diseased unlovable creature. I need to work on the way I see myself. Sometimes I get swept up in making myself perfect to the outside world so that I don't get hurt. I'm hard on the way I look and dress and am always wanting to have the perfect job and personality .. as if somehow all that will make the person I am with see past this disease. I just want to be myself and find someone who can love me for who I am with my flaws. 

    • Like 1
  9. I'm very sorry you're going through this. My first OB was the worst - it lasted for over three weeks and was super painful. I hope it helps to know that OBs become less frequent and less painful with time. I also take medication for it when I feel I might be getting an OB and it has made a huge difference for me. I would highly suggest talking to your doctor to see what medication would work for you. Please know you are not alone, I know exactly how you feel! 

  10. 1 hour ago, 100918 said:

    I also don't think you did anything wrong. You were sober enough to make sure you didn't have sex with him. I just had my first successful disclosure over the weekend, and things went from innocent to let's get busy really fast. We were drinking, but I was anticipating that I was going to disclose that night, so when things were heading in that direction, I stopped him and told him I needed to talk to him before we went any further. And I told him. And he didn't care at all about it. And we continued with our night. I will admit that in the morning, I questioned whether he would regret moving forward or if he was fully getting what I was telling him. But, he and I were talking that next morning and he commented (not in a bad way, just kinda reliving the night) about me stopping him to talk about it, and then we had sex again, so I'm confident that he really does not care about it. We have mutual feelings that this relationship is IT for both of us, so that could be why. He may be feeling like it doesn't matter if he gets it from me because we're the last people we'll be with. I can't speak for him, but that's my feeling.

    Until I met this man, I was also feeling like "Is it worth it to potentially be rejected, and maybe I'll just stay alone and never have sex again", but I can promise you, there are some wonderful men out there who will love you for you and will not care about HSV.

    Thank you so much for your reassuring words. Congratulations on finding someone so special! This gives me hope that maybe there is someone out there who will be accepting and loving. I keep reading similar positive stories to give myself hope but I guess the brain is wired to concentrate only on the negative and the fear that comes with having to disclose is debilitating for me. Can I ask you how old are you and your partner? And how long have you been dating before getting physical with each other?

  11. 41 minutes ago, annalove said:

    In my opinion you havent done anything wrong, you didnt expose him in any way to the virus. The only thing that could maybe be considered insensitive is that you took your relationship to a physical level with him (which can also sometimes advance peoples feelings emotionally) without giving him all the information to your circumstances. He may have preferred he had that information mentally before he brought the relationship to any sort of physical level. But I wouldn't stress over it.  

    And to answer your question dating does have an added level to it, but you most certainly can still date and get laid with herpes haha

    Thank you so much for responding. I am sure in my head I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be but I just haven't dealt with it properly yet. I hate that I didn't disclose prior to getting physical ... I'm certain he wasn't exposed to the virus but I still can't help but worry .. all the "what if" questions. 

    I love your attitude on dating. I know it sounds silly but I've been feeling like I will never get to have sex with anyone ever again. I have so much adjusting to do.

  12. On 2/12/2019 at 3:14 AM, Lonelygirl88 said:

    It was nice to read that. It's crazy how many people are living with this and not even knowing it. I blame it on the health departments not adding it to the main panel to test for. I can't even believe why Hospitals don't check automatically when pregnant. When I found out about this I was panicking and called my office that checked me while pregnant and asked if they checked for it and she was like no, only if you had a history of it... I was like well how the hell would I have known unless I was freaking tested. Ugggh it made me so mad. But anyways , you are right, this doesn't define who we are. I am trying to accept it. I don't want to live miserable for the rest of my life. I want to be happy again. I want to continue having a successful life. I want to go back to school and build up in my career. I want to be happier with my child... I don't want this to control my life. 

    I want to be more like that girl that goes around talking about her ghsv2. Have you seen her on you tube. I think she is only like 25. I can't remember her name but she just openly talks about her situation and she feels so free. I would love to actually talk to her in person. I wish I just had someone physically here to talk to. 

    I know the girl you are talking about and her videos really help me feel like maybe one day I can be strong enough to deal with it like that. Right now I'm pretty much a mess and when it comes time to disclose I pretty much cry and just turn the situation worse than it needs to be. I'm back to a point where I think I'm just going to stop dating again. Get a cat and just die alone.

  13. I've been now for the past few days really driving myself crazy. I feel so awful that I didn't disclose this and it's really eating at me. I'm just completely losing it. I've been crying nonstop and it's so terrifying thinking about having to now have a conversation that's even harder. Does anyone actually date normally with this? Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't ever drink anymore bc of these types of scenarios.  Am I going to always have to cry after every date thinking about the day I choose to disclose before getting intimate with people and waiting for them to reject me? Can't help but think what is the point of dating anymore.

  14. I totally understand you! Please know it gets better with time. I used to get more outbreaks and usually right around the time of my period ... double sucks. I've found that with time the number of outbreaks decrease and the severity def decreases as well.

    Please look into getting Valtrex or some other suppressant ... it really helps make a big difference (at least does for me). I now get maybe two outbreaks a year and right before I get them I can tell and take medication right away which helps reduce all the symptoms to almost none. 

    With respect to cleaning yourself ... I use dr bronner's tea tree oil soap diluted to wash my entire body. Remember that your private area does not need to be washed vigorously, it's pretty much self-cleaning. Dr bronner's doesn't irritate me maybe give that a try. I would stay away from shaving as much as possible and anything that's chemically/scented.

    • Thanks 1
  15. For me personally, I tend to not get outbreaks often but when I do they are usually right before or during my period. Sometimes I don't get any actual breakout but just the really itchy feeling like that area is on fire. I take Valtrex as soon as I have a feeling I'm getting an outbreak and honestly that helps clear it right up. I highly suggest looking into that as I know how uncomfortable the breakout can be esp when you're on your period. 

  16. Hello everyone .. here it goes

    About half a year ago I broke up with my bf of many many many years. Recently I decided to try online dating. I met one guy that I really hit it off with. After a few dates things seemed promising. The last time we went out both of us got drunk and ended up at his place. I have genital HSV2. We did not have sex and I had my panties on but I went down on him and there was touching and cuddling. I didn't disclose my condition prior to things getting heated and now I am driving myself crazy. Next time I see him I will definitely be having the talk but until then I am going nuts over this. I am afraid he'll feel like I lied and that I put him at risk. I take responsibility - def should have disclosed before things got heated. Maybe I should start disclosing after the first date going forward, this way drunk moments like this are less likely to happen. What are some people's opinions on the situation has anyone been in a similar scenario before and how did their partner react. What are some suggestions on how to approach this conversation? 

    Thanks all! 

    • Like 1
×
×
  • Create New...