Sol_VS

Hi everyone, I'm 21 years old now. When I was 13, I was molested by my 27 year old housekeeper. I kept quiet for a long time because she told me that it had to remain a secret. She made me feel guilty about the experience and also for the feelings I felt for her afterwards. Unfortunately, she also transmitted genital Herpes to me at this time in my life where I hadn't even learned about the risks associated with STD's (I was in middle school). My immediate reaction to my newfound condition was depressingly negative. I cried alone for countless nights. I also felt tremendous responsibility to NEVER transmit Herpes to anyone else, and so I felt scared to talk to girls who I genuinely liked because "Why would such a great girl waste a moment on me now that I'm infected? and I don't want to hurt her or ruin her life like mine has been ruined." I was too ashamed over the way I was infected and my age that I bottled up my feelings and anxieties and I allowed them to undermine my sense of self-worth over time. Sadly, Herpes controlled most of my high school social decision making, and I missed out on a lot of potentially positive experiences. I remained celibate and when girls expressed interest in me, my anxiety would skyrocket to the point where I couldn't think about anything but herpes and it cut deeply into my schoolwork. When I started college, I knew that I needed to talk about this experience with a professional and seek out support. I reached out to the only doctor I knew, and he referred me to another psychiatrist closer to my school. After months of psychotherapy with this new doctor, I took a risk and told a girl about my herpes. To my great relief, she actually said she didn't care, and that we would just use protection, no big deal. She accepted me for my condition, and I felt eternally grateful to her, wanting to shower her in gifts and ready to commit to anything she wanted. But, over time, we began to grow apart, and while I knew it was not right, I clung to it because I was afraid I would never find another girl that would make that choice. She dumped me tonight, and I'm feeling a great deal of mixed emotions. My anxiety over getting rejected by new women and over having to have "the talk" has returned in full force. I am writing this for guidance from those who have the sense of self-worth to, despite having herpes, take the risk of letting someone go who is not right for them. I think I will strengthen over time, but so many years of silence has taken an emotional toll. I had to take a year off from school because work became impossible to focus on. Thank you, Solomon