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becominganewme

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  1. So I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 4 months now. I sill have not disclosed my H+ status to him. He is so wonderful, and we talk openly about so many other things, but the idea of disclosing absolutely terrifies me. I have never been in a serious relationship before, so there has been a lot of new things for me since the beginning of our relationship, but this definitely takes precedence. We have told each other 'I love you', and I care very deeply for him. I know he cares very deeply for me, too and I like to think he wold be very accepting of my status, but I just don't know and it scares me. Love itself is a very scary feeling, and it almost feels like I am so scared to disclose to him because that is my final wall coming down. I have NEVER let anyone in the way I have let him in. This conversation is starting to feel like it's holding me back though, or like it might end up driving a wedge between us. Other than my parents and my doctor, he would be the first person to know about my herpes, so this is a very big step for me, and I just want to make sure I do it all right. I tried talking to a counselor about figuring out how to get over the mental block of disclosing, but that didn't really work out. If anyone has a successful disclosing story PLEASE send some advice my way!! I have read every website and article I could find about disclosing and other people's SO reactions to their status, and some people have even said that their doctors have told them to wait until they decide they want to marry someone to disclose their status! I don't think I want to wait that long, but I just don't know when the right time is. Whenever we first started dating I felt so guilty every single day because I felt like I needed to tell him immediately, but those feelings have since subsided. I know I need to tell him, but I am just scared. For someone who has never been in-love before, saying 'I love you' was a hell of a lot easier than disclosing is for me, and I kinda hate that. People see movies about disclosing their feelings, etc. etc. all the time, but there's no movie that tells you how to tell someone you love that you have herpes.
  2. Yeah, that's what I'm afraid will happen if I do reach out to him, so I just keep wondering if it would even be worth it. Ironically, I have seen him around a lot more than I would like to lately, so he has been on my mind over time the last few days. Also, props to you for having the courage that I have not found yet, and disclosing to someone! I'm very happy for you that it all went smoothly! I don't think I will be able to take that leap of faith until I am comfortable with rejection... which I definitely am not right now. Thank you for your kind words, they were much needed 🙂
  3. Hey, I'm a college student that just wants to feel normal. How do I have casual sex with herpes without feeling guilty of my status? I do not like the idea of disclosing my status to a lot of people, but I also don't want to be dishonest about my status and end up transmitting to someone without their knowledge of the risk. I am on daily antiviral and want to use protection, but sometimes getting men to wear condoms can be quite the task.... Hence how I ended up with herpes. Thoughts please!
  4. I had been on and off with this guy most of my time in college. I met him my freshman year, and ended things with him right before the start of my junior year. Well, little did I know that he was going to stick with me for much longer.. He was the only person I had slept with in that years time, and I had been fully tested right at the beginning of our relationship. I was good, everything came back negative. I still got tested frequently throughout our relationship, and always came back negative, but I also never felt worried because he was the only person I was being exposed to. Well, towards the end of our relationship he evidently slept with someone else and didn't tell me. Boom, now I have herpes. Because he was dishonest and either did not know about his status or just didn't care to disclose it to me. I was absolutely devastated. This felt like the end of everything for me. I was so mad at him for doing this to me, I was so mad at myself for trusting him, I was just so mad at the world. Why me? I had slept with multiple people before him and never got anything, and as soon as I meet him and exclusively slept with him for such a long time NOW I catch something??? It just didn't make any sense to me. It didn't fit the narrative that myself and so many others have put on people that have STD's. That was the other thing, I never personally fit the narrative for someone to have an STD either. I was just some very unlucky girl who trusted the wrong person. It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair. After I was diagnosed, I immediately blocked him on everything because I had absolutely no desire to ever speak to him ever again. It has been exactly one year since my diagnosis, and I still have not spoken to him. I still have a lot of hate in my heart for him and what he did to me. I want to let it all go, but I just don't know how to. Part of me feels like I should allow room for discussion between us just so I could maybe get some answers from him. Another part of me has an anxiety attack every time I see him or even hear the mention of his name. This has been a very hard year for me. At the beginning, I felt very disgusted with myself and literally felt like a prisoner in my own body. Then, I became very suicidal as I felt I was not worthy of love or life anymore. Now I mostly feel okay about my herpes because I know enough about it to realize that having herpes isn't the end of the world. The hardest part today is just having this massive secret that nobody knows. The only people that know about my status are my parents, one of my brothers, and my doctor(s). I don't want anybody to know. I am so terrified that if people find out they will not look at me the same. Whenever I am around people and the conversation of herpes pops up I automatically tense up and feel as if I could vomit. Not because I am disgusted with myself anymore, but because I am so scared of what people will think of me if they ever found out. I am not scared of many things, but the idea of ever disclosing my status to anyone absolutely petrifies me. In my head, I know that herpes is not as big a deal as people often make it out to be, but I also know that not everyone thinks that way. I was once that person that looked down on people with STD's. If I was once the judger, how am I to ever convince them not to judge me? I'm currently starting my senior year of college, and I just want to get over this and move on positively with my life. My herpes isn't going away anytime soon, so I might as well get comfortable with it. I have dreams of meeting my husband and starting a family, but I know that is not possible with the mindset I have right now. I want to learn how to manage my secret, or better yet tell the world about my secret. There is something so freeing about the idea of just blurting out "I have herpes!" to the world. If I put it out there, then no one can use it against me. I will be in control. I do not feel in control right now. I feel stuck. I want to educate people when they crack herpes jokes in front of me, I want to confidently pursue men without feeling guilty of my status, I just want to conquer my herpes rather than let herpes conquer me. I literally just want to be able to say the word "herpes" out loud. You think I'm joking, but I physically cannot push that six letter word out of my mouth without giving myself a mini pep talk in my head to calm my anxiety, or have my stomach drop as I begin to mouth it out. I just want to own who I am, and not feel ashamed anymore.
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