dontknowwhattodo

Hey everyone. First off I'd just like to say how amazing this forum is. I've been reading non-stop now for a few hours, and the bravery and compassion the members on this forum display have brought tears to my eyes. I hope I can find the same bravery in myself. Right now, I'm going through some shit. (27/m) I was diagnosed with hsv-2 about three years ago - two years in to a committed relationship. I don't know if I was a carrier for a long time, or if it was something that my partner already had, and never disclosed to me. I really don't know. I was in shock/denial about it for a long time and never even really asked her about it. She ended up getting tested the same week as me and was positive as well. I guess we both just kind of accepted it without even having a real discussion about it. Our sex life didn't even change, beyond the fact that we just wouldn't have sex when there was an OB present. Recently, we separated - cancelling an engagement. I think we stayed together for a long time because of the virus, and both feeling like no one else would ever love either one of us again. Ultimately, we didn't work, so we ended it. Fast forward to now. A new relationship has been the very last thing on my mind - mainly because I am SO SCARED to disclose to any one. But life being life, I met someone new. I'm completely head over heels for this woman, she is seriously my dream girl. Everything has been going so amazing... well, we had sex while really drunk a few nights ago. I used a condom, but I am freaking out about it. I had an OB about 2 weeks ago, but it was completely healed by this time. I should have told her. I want to tell her... and I tried - and failed to have the balls. She actually asked me when the last time I was tested was, and I kind of froze. "about 3 years ago" is what I said. Fuck. I asked her when the last time she was checked, and you know what? I was actually HOPING she would say she had it. I feel sick that I would even have that thought. She was checked very recently and was negative. I realize at this point she will probably be very upset with me. I'm completely going through some self loathing right now over this. I want to tell her the truth, because I want to build a foundation with honesty with her. Is there any way I come out of this not looking like the biggest asshole on planet earth? How do I even approach this situation? Thanks for taking the time to listen/read.