smileitsherpes

WCSDancer2010 Thank you so much. your words have definitely calmed the out of control spiral I was headed towards. reading back i suppose I did sound like a crazy that was already looking for a husband, but I guess I was just freaking out about handling crushes that seem to bombard my teenage mind. All is well, I took my first pill and i suppose I will just roll with the punches from here. have a beautiful day!! i know I will (just ate some chipoltle too :D )

I'm sitting at the clinic by myself waiting to be seen right now. Thank you for your inspiring words, its just what I needed. <3

im 18. have been in college for 3 months. I know i have herpes. I have stayed remarkably level headed until now. I'm getting tested tomorrow, but I know. im just so young. I know this will not define my life but it will be the first thing I'll think about when I see a cute boy in class, the only thing that will be on my mind when I have a mutually interested crush, and im just terrified of the rejection I'm bound to be subjected to at least one time in my life. If I do have a functional relationship with someone that accepts the risks, what happens when we break up. Kids are so immature and ill informed (me being a prime example). what will I do when he tells his friend and his friend tells his girlfriend and she tells her friend. My parents love me so much and are so supportive they are the only ones in the whole world I want to tell. it kills me to know that when they're laying in bed at night waiting to fall asleep thoughts of their baby girl will keep them up. They won't be malicious thoughts about the guy who infected me. They wont be thoughts of disgust. They will be tortured by the fact that I will struggle with this all of my life and there is nothing they can do to protect me. They will be tortured by the thought of me crying in bed after being rejected by a boy I thought I could trust. I'm just so young. So inexperienced. I haven't even been in love. And I detest wallowing in my own self pity but I realize that this is going to make me a lot harder to love. A lot harder to be held. My dad. oh my dad. He will cry at the thought of me thinking like this. he loves me so much and is so wise and in control of his emotions but I crushes me to think about the fact that at some point he will be disappointed, if only temporarily. My mom will look at me with sad eyes, say nothing and hug me forever. How long do I wait before telling them? How long will it be before they go in my medicine cabinet browsing for toothpaste and run into a strange pill bottle with my name on it? How long before they notice then look up this new drug on the insurance company statement? I cant handle keeping this from them but I also cant handle telling them. No matter how delicately I state it all they will remember is: "Oh, so you know how you reluctantly sent me away to college? Well while I was gone I accidentally contracted herpes." The party was eventually going to die, but I never thought It would end this way. Not now. Not me. Thinking about relationships I just remembered I got asked out to go on a date this Friday. HA, poor guy. How do I sit across the table from him smiling the same smile as I did when he asked me out. I didn't have symptoms then. I didn't have a care in the world. Now I feel like I'm deceiving him with my presence alone. I'm the same person he asked out but forever marred. I'm the same person that caught his eye but why try? Why work to look pretty and build a connection? How many weeks will it be before he gets tired of just making out and suspicious that I always have my "period" when we talk about going further. how many times will that happen in my life. How long will it take for me to find someone i'm totally comfortable sharing every aspect of my life with. I haven't found someone like that and its already been 18 years 11 months and 11 days. What do I do now.