mollymoo

Thanks so much for your thoughts guys!! I need to definitely do a lot of thinking and self esteem boosting and just think that it if it wasn't the H that made this guy act hot then cold it would be something else in the future probably. <3333333

Hey guys! Can I first of all say I'M SO HAPPY THIS PLACE EXISTS!! Last night I was going through posts for a while and you're all *amazing* people that made me feel better by just your kind words of encouragement to others. This is something we're all going to and the only way to defeat the stigma is if we all work together. My name's Molly and I've been HSV 1 + for 4 years now (it just passed my anniversary, yay????) and for the most part I deal with it. You know, some days are better than others but I've learned to live with it and I've forgiven the ex that I'm positive gave it to me. I am a serial flirt and disclosing has always been a nonissue (I've told guys and they're like lol I have herpes too LET'S MAKE OUT!) until just the other day and I'm just racked in guilt and bad depression. I decided to make a Tinder because I was curious and this guy that was *totally* my type was a match with me. We started messaging and then texting and the first night we were talking we talked until laaate that night. We talked all day the next day and continued the next day, tons of great conversation about what we did, our lives, etc. One night I was out with my friends and he wanted me to hang out with him, we made plans to get dinner the next day. Dinner went great, and the way we LOOKED at each other there was a lot of sexual chemistry. We got some more drinks and as the night went on I kept thinking that I wouldn't have sex with him, but he kept trying to get me to go to his apartment. I agree, we go to his apartment and put on music and things get pretty hot and heavy and I decided to tell him (when the fuck is the best time to tell someone?????). I was like "ok I kind of like you but there's something you should know before we have sex. I have herpes. Its not a big deal" And he looks at me and he's like "Ok? Its not a big deal I don't care" and I was like "Really? Are you sure? Do you have any questions or anything?" and he looks at me and he just kept saying "No its not a big deal you're so cute blahblahblah" I was SO RELIEVED and we kept making out and then he got up to go to the bathroom...came back...and the mood COMPLETELY SHIFTED. The dude totally freaked out and shut down. He came back and all of a sudden he was tired because he had to go to work the next day early on and he would get me a cab. I just sat there shocked and said "soo you're kicking me out? Is it because of what I told you?" and he denied it, called me a cab and he was like "We'll talk tomorrow I'll text you" kisses me and walks me to the car. I texted him later saying "Goodnight" and he started typing out a response but deleted it. Then I started semi freaking out, and the other day I texted him "hey" and got no response. Clearly this guy is a jerk and I dodged a bullet, but the main reason why I'm stressing is because we have a couple of mutual friends but run around in the same social circles somewhat. What if he tells other people???? One of his friends is friends with someone I actually someone I hooked up with and didn't disclose to (though we used protection and he still hits me up but I don't hang out with him anymore) which is the person I'm most stressed about finding out. Its a sticky situation. There are only a VERY FEW people I have told and I try to tell myself this is the stigma, its not having the disease or being nasty, its the not wanting the world to know. But this is my issue for the past 4 years, having other people know. I know people that are out of the H closet and I know people judge them and think they're gross and I can't bear that in my life :( And even when you try to educate people, they don't listen. So yeah, I really need some positive words. Maybe he'll tell other people, maybe he won't (hopefully he won't) but I'm so FULL of self loathing from "doing the right thing" that it makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. Why did I feel like I could trust him? Why did I trust him so quickly when really I didn't really know him? I think I'm somewhat desperate to be in a relationship and I thought this could develop into something and I was projecting all of this onto it and dropped a bomb somewhat early. Blahhhhh I don't know guys, can someone tell me things will get better and this will just be some stupid mistake I made and in the grand scheme of things in my life it doesn't matter?