clementine

i went back to the doctor on saturday to have more blood work done. the doctor just called me and it's herpes 1, not 2!!! yay! right? what are the statistics for viral shedding herpes 1 genitally? i can't seem to find them but i know i've read it somewhere.

So, I recently disclosed to someone who responded as wanting to be just friends. It was not great to hear, but I got over it. So a bit of back story for what I'm about to say.... A few weeks ago, shortly before I found out about the big H, I met this guy thorough a friend. We were out one one night and he was there, and we went home together. It was one of the best nights I've ever spent with anyone. He's only 22, though I'm only 26, but regardless. We exchanged numbers but I didn't hear him from for a couple of weeks. I didn't expect to hear from him at all, but I did, and he told me he wanted it see me again. Literally 2 days after I found out I had herpes, we spent a night together. We didn't have sex. I used the old period excuse. But it was amazing nevertheless. The other night he text me and told me he can't stop thinking about me and wants to spend more time with me. While it may sound like a booty call, he is currently in New Jersey, home for Christmas, and won't be back for almost three weeks. I'd like to believe that it's a bit more genuine since it's still going to be a few weeks before we can see each other again. We have a couple of weeks to talk, but I don't want to tell him via text or over the phone, but I'm so anxious... I never expected this from him, but he's said some things that make me think he's interested in more than just a sexual relationship. I definitely am...and I've already gone over the 'script' in my head, but I'm so nervous about disclosing. Of all the men I've met since my separation, I've felt the most comfortable with him. The nights we spent together just felt, normal and...right. I guess I'm just looking for a little support until he's back. He's pretty great, and I'd really love for him to stick around.

i just feel like if i guy decides to walk away after finding out i have herpes, it isn't because he just wasn't that into me, it's because he doesn't want to get herpes. and that seems pretty logical.

after my recent disclosure that didn't go so well, i didn't know whether or not to expect to even hear from the guy again. my best friend was in from out of town this weekend so i spend a lot of time with him, and it took my mind off things. i told him, and he of course didn't judge me, but i didn't expect any less from him. by sunday night though, i hadn't heard from the guy, so i decided to text him. before i disclosed, we would text every day, but if he didn't want to see me again, i wanted him to say it. so we sent a few texts back and forth before i asked him, and he said he's been thinking a lot about it and wanted to know if we could just be friends. it was what i expected, but it kind of sucked to hear it. i told him i understood and that i could be just friends. i don't know how i feel about it, obviously i wanted more, but i guess i'll take it. i just don't know how i'm ever going to feel normal again. i don't want to be alone forever. but it seems like now, i either have to disclose really early on, to warn the guy, and inevitably drive him away because, if he doesn't even know that much about me yet, why not just get out while you're ahead, right? so the other option would be to take things so slow, and wait to disclose until he's falling for me, then tell him but he'll wonder why i didn't tell him earlier. and quite frankly.....i don't want to feel like i'm no longer allowed to just have casual sex. i don't want it to all have to mean something now because i have H. i'm rambling, and it's all just frustration. i just feel stuck

thanks guys :)

my disclosure didn't go so well. he was just really quiet, hardly said anything, and i didn't want to sound like i was rambling. i felt so embarrassed, and after a few minutes of kind of awkward silence, i just said i better go. we were at his place, after going out to dinner and a movie and having a nice time. he said i could stay, but i felt like he was just saying that to be nice. he said he'd talk to me later, not sure if i actually will...but i guess we'll see. i definitely don't know enough yet to talk about this with someone i just met.

the situation between me and my husband is extremely complicated. much more than could be conveyed through a few posts here. for the record, there will be no children, i'm adamantly against having kids....ever! i'm very independent, i take care of myself, i have my own life, i'm working on my degree, and moving away, i have goals. i'm not saying i'm completely self actualized or anything, but i have a pretty good head on my shoulders, and a lot going for me. i know this. i'm happy with who i am. but at the end of the day, sometimes i just want someone there with me. i miss that. i realize i seem to be having more relationship problems than herpes problems. it still doesn't seem real, that this actually happened to me. i am restarting taking yoga classes next week, and i started drawing again....anything that i can have that's just for me will help, i know.

Oh, and there's the terrifying thought of having to disclose to my HUSBAND one day, that I contracted H in our time apart, should we ever end up back together. And call me crazy, but I feel like anything is possible with us.

Thank you for all the support! I'm so glad I found this site. I actually saw the guy tonight. We are still having our actual date night on Friday, but he text me this morning asking if I wanted to just hang out tonight. So he came to my house and we just watched TV and talked. We started fooling around a little and I just told him I was still on my period. I wasn't even expecting to see him so I was DEFINITELY not ready to disclose. I have been through so much this year. I mean, this time last year, I was happily married enjoying the Christmas season with my husband. Maybe this helps to give me some clarity. Finding out that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me was so much more devastating than finding out I have herpes. I do tend to be very level headed and self aware, but I am very confused. A mere 2 weeks ago I was dating casually, just trying to figure out what I want, not worrying if anything was serious or not. Yes, I do like this guy, but I feel like having H is forcing me to make a decision one way or another. And on top of all of this, my husband (who has not officially filed for divorce) has been telling me he still loves me and doesn't think he'll ever get over me. I still love him and miss him. We are on good terms and talk often. I even believe one day we will end up back together. I felt though like I had time to experience dating because I never have before. I feel like there's never going to be any middle ground anymore with anyone I might meet. That's what I'm confused about more than anything. Dating alone is still such a new thing to me, I only had a couple of months to even enjoy it, and now herpes is just making it so much more complicated.

I'm going to try to give the briefest rundown of my situation so that I can get to my primary question. After being married to the person I still believe to be the love of my life for almost 6 years, we separated in February. Married at 20, he was 23, he was the only person I'd ever been with. I admit we had our issues, as any couple does, but the separation was really his idea. I didn't want him to leave, but he did, and very quickly decided that divorce was what he wanted. I'm just telling this part to give a little back story on the year I have had and how I have found myself on this site. Needless to say, I was devastated. I loved my husband and being married. After a few months of being angry and hurt and lonely I decided to try going on some dates. I wasn't expecting anything serious, I just wanted to know what it was like. Well, a few dates here and there led to sleeping with several of these guys, and though we always used protection, I never discussed anything with any of them, and there was inevitably genital to genital contact. Apparently I'm very trusting...and easy. And now I have herpes. I tested positive from the culture test, negative on the blood test, but the numbers were elevated. I'll be retaking the blood test next week to find out if it's 1 or 2. Lucky me, I was one of the rare people out there that DIDN'T have herpes 1 in my system already. Though I have MANY questions, I need some advice about disclosing. You see, literally 2 days before I started having my first outbreak, I met a guy that I believe really has potential to be something. We talked, laughed, really had a wonderful time. We did end up back at his place, and fooled around, naked, and though we didn't have sex there was some very intimate contact. I'm not suggesting he's the one that gave it to me. That doesn't really matter honestly. A few days later, after I was tested, but before I got official results, we saw each other again. We had an amazing time. I spent the night with him, but we didn't do anything. I just told him I got my period. We kissed, cuddled on the couch watching movies, it was so nice to just be close to someone. Now I know for certain that I have herpes. We are going out again this Friday or Saturday. If it weren't for the herpes, and being worried about what he will think, I wouldn't really have any doubt that there is definite relationship potential. I don't know how to approach telling him. I'm new enough to the dating world as it is, and now I have to deal with this. I want to let him know that I see potential between us, but I don't want to come across as being clingy. I know I have to tell him about my diagnosis. I just don't know what to do.