JMNOLA2

I first want to apologize in advance for the negativity of this post, but this is currently how I feel :( I can't even look at the name or bear myself to type it out so I will just call it "H." I got it from my bf, who was also the first person I was ever intimate with. We had sex many times before he actually disclosed to me he had it( I was making jokes about STDs and he started crying and that was how I found out). In all honesty, it did not bother me in the least when he told me he had it. I cared and loved him very much. We broke up earlier this yr and now that I am back into the dating scene with this thing it feels terrible. I currently am casually dating a nice guy. When I first disclosed to him about this thing called H, he was very understanding and caring and gave me a big hug when I saw him the next day. I even told him if he didn't want to see me anymore b/c of this to let me know now and that it honestly would not hurt my feeling b/c I've had much worse pain in my life. Well he hasn't told me to hit the high road yet, its been about two months now and were still seeing each other. He did tell me once that he likes me a lot,etc,etc but my condition does scare him...what a great feeling. I told him many times I feel bad for freaking him out but he tells me to not think that I do. I even apologized to him for letting him meet me and get involved with me to then find out I have H and he also told me to not feel that way and thats its been a pleasure for him to have met me. Sadly, I still feel like this freak deep down inside :( We did have sex once, it was not very long and I'm not 100% convinced that he even enjoyed it or "finished" b/c he was so scared inside. He did tell me a week or two after if I slept over his house that we could not have sex b/c of my H. I feel really bad that he is involved with a woman that he feels he cannot even be intimate with. Needless to say, I'm very depressed and I have suicidal thoughts due to this. I have always been such a strong person but this has gotten me. I am currently in nursing school and plan on becoming an NP in the mental health field which is kind of ironic since I need alot of help myself:/ I also feel very homocidal against my ex when I think of how he has "tainted" me. I never felt for one day that he had any remorse or concern that he got involved with me and that I caught this from him. Thankfully there is alcohol in this world. I am 25 and will be lucky if I make it to 30 if Im still feeling this way. I feel so bad for luring men into wanting to date/be with me to then find that I have this. It almost feels cruel to me, it really does. Having "the talk" and not making a big deal about it so they dont freak out, wow really? I just can wrap myself to understand why I should act so calm and casually about it when talking about it to a potential sex partner. Feels cruel to lure them into wanting to stay with me. I even told this guy I'm seeing that he should find a nice, normal girl and amazingly he still chooses to see me. I really do feel bad that I lured him into wanting to date me for him to find out I have this...somebody please help me.