Missannthrope45

Thank you @Isleguy & @mr_hopp for your insight and advice. I’m seeing him on Monday for a group hangout to help decrease my anxiety on the matter while still spending Time with him to get a better sense for what I want to ultimately do. To be completely honest with where I’m at right now, I have rejected myself already and said I wanted to save myself the stress and not venture into intimate territory period to protect myself against possible rejection. It might not be the most productive route as I’m avoiding this conversation I’ll ultimately have to have the rest of my life and this could be an opportunity to practice. However, my ego is so fragile after past rejections I fear slipping into depression afterwards and am attempting to preserve myself with avoidance. There will be drinks involved at this hang out so it doesn’t feel like the best opportunity to disclose even after the hang out happens as he/we may not be in the best mindset. That being said, if he asks to hang out again after this time, would I disclose via text or in person (in person feels like the projected response). And in that case do I tell him at the beginning of our hang out or middle or end (not quite sure or knowing what will be the trajectory of the encounter). And then if he rejects me I guess I would just leave after telling him. so a lot of thoughts I’ve processed which was why my response was to just forget it all to save myself the embarrassment. But part of me Knows I won’t be able to grow if I don’t practice. But do I want to wait to talk to someone about this that doesn’t feel rushed and that I’m more into? So I’m still in limbo. Thank you again for your help.

So I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about how to disclose to someone you are dating for a while that you see a relationship with and trust to share intimacy with. However I find myself in a situation with a guy who is moving next month up north. We went on our first date today and made out at the end. I had originally told myself to ask if he’s ever had a cold sore prior but in the moment it slipped my mind. Nothing happened further but it made me interested in sleeping with him. He talked about going on a second date before he leaves. part of me fears rejection which makes me not want to say anything and miss out. The other part is wondering if there’s a way to bring it up and when and how and yet is it even worth it? if anyone has been in a casual situation where they disclosed how’d you do it and how’d it go? Or is this speech meant for someone long term? also open to any advice on what i should do because I’m very lost. This guy is nice but if he were staying I don’t know that I could see myself with him long term anyway. i feel like I’ve been rejecting myself before someone else can which might be why I haven’t had the best disclosures and making me not want to even try again in fear of yet another rejection. And this fear keeps me stuck to not do anything and in inching me closer back into depression but being rejected will also propel me into depression. I’m feeling a bit lost and wondering why do I try to date when it makes me feel depressed for what I will have to tell someone.

So I’m on the second round of a dating wave since being diagnosed. The first wave I met ppl who seemed to be ok with my status but eventually ended things. Nothing was ever serious but it felt like my status was the nail in the coffin. My nail in my coffin to stop dating was disclosing to someone TOO soon. I entered a deep depression and isolated and contemplated suicide for the second time since being diagnosed because that rejection just felt like it was my endless fate in dating. I slowly came out of that and started working on myself and felt ok to get back out into dating ironically as a way to distract myself from being hurt by past rejections. So that leads me to where I’m at now which is I have a date next week and I’ve turned from anxious to avoidant because of my fear and anxiety. My trauma brain is fighting my logical brain. This guy isn’t my usual type as my usual type (even tho I don’t have one really but they all had an “a-hole hot” look to them and this new guy looks like a Ken doll and like he’s had the perfect life. Previous guys tended to be guys who had some sort of ‘darkness’ to them too since I’m that way too especially with my own trauma. I’m afraid I’m too dark for this new guy and that he doesn’t have enough pain for me to relate to. I might be mentally rejecting him already to self sabotage and save myself from future pain. And maybe I was attracted to guys who weren’t good for me because they were familiar. They were unavailable in one way or another and that chase felt more thrilling because it activated my trauma. But this new guy is the opposite of previous guys because he’s so available and communicative. So someone who comes across as “safe” is scary. So I’m just scared. I’ve told myself to use dating right now as practice to go slow but I’m getting frozen instead. Reading some of these posts have made me cry because it reminds me of the pain we’ve all felt/maybe some still feel. And it makes me want to curl up into a depression ball all over again instead of facing the big scary dating world which has been made scarier because of this diagnosis. Some people have said to find someone else who has this diagnosis to make things easier but how does one even figure that out? aside from the anonymous single folk here. The dating world these days is so hard to navigate and kudos to your veterans who are in relationships/married. Finding someone to date is hard enough and to accept this diagnosis feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

It’s been 7 years since my HSV2 diagnosis and I still find myself in those dark moments like some of the stories I’ve read here. I was with my ex for 9 months until I got exposed/diagnosed. He tested for HSV1 but not 2 so he might have orally given it to me. He was abusive and manipulative and I feel like he’s still tormenting me to this day because of what he left me with and like I can’t move on fully. I even stayed with him after my diagnosis because I was devastated that anyone could or would want to be with me. Then I left and I’ve met people since and some lasted a few weeks or months but they eventually dropped me at some point after I disclosed. The reason I feel like a hypocrite is because I’m in school to be a therapist but I find myself feeling depressed and suicidal daily. I don’t give in to the suicidal thoughts because I don’t want to waste all this money I’ve put into my life but it feels more enticing day by day to end the misery of trying to walk around with a mask on like I’m ok. I read in another post about the stigma that resonated with me and that makes dating these days so hard which is that the physical usually happens first and then people see if they want to build a connection after that. That’s how I was but now I can’t. I feel like I lost my confidence and sexuality from this diagnosis. I feel like talk about finding those who are “accepting and open minded” are lying because society has deemed this disease as something to avoid, ergo avoid people who have it. I came to this forum to build community since when I tried looking up in person support groups those came up short (3 people in a group). I appreciate being able vent and to read about other’s experiences.