LongAgo

Thank you Dancer and Victoria. I have been here reading these posts for days. When I found out I had been exposed, I panicked. Then I began to read that I may have been exposed years ago from God knows what or whom as well. I have always been pretty sexually conservative with limited sexual partners. But then two things hit me at once;menopause and lichen sclerosis. Vulva lichen sclerosis is an autoimmune disorder that impacts all ages and genders.It can be found on any part of the body but does its most painful and disfiguring damage to the genitals. In some respects,it's almost better to have a social disease than this disorder. At least the medical community appears to collectively agree what Herpes is and how it's contracted and how to manage it and that it's not curable. With VLS, many doctors can't/ don't recognize it, refuse to treat it beyond what their own personal standard of cares says to do,and don't frequently know how o treat it. They do agree that it's incurable,however. So many women,because it's worse in women,treat themselves with any and every medical or non medical procedure available. Some of which would horrify doctors if they knew about them because some of the methods would be deemed illegal or life threatening. Herpes patients in the main appear to have many days and years of remission. I do know that herpes has its problematic aspects too. VLS patients,ranging from the mild case such as my own to the severe case in which almost all vulva architecture disappears:labia/clitoris live in constant and debilitating pain. I myself have to treat the burning and itchiness a little more than I wanted. The disease can be progressive, and lately something has caused a flare. I'm hoping that something isn't herpes. VL patients can have more than one diagnoses,and frequently have multiple autoimmune disorders. Because LV makes vulva skin so vulnerable,prone to tearing,blistering, due to becoming thin and parchment like, vigorous intercourse is best avoided until the skin toughens.It also makes skin more porous and therefore more vulnerable to other diseases and cancer. He is not a bad man, Dancer,just a selfish one. I 'm torn between being angry with him and my own failure to exercise control. He lied but I used poor judgement. I see him as the price I paid for that lack of judgment. No, I did not engage in fellatio with him; I have not done that with any man but I will admit that he tried his leveled best to get me to--with no condom by the way and I was tempted because he didn't make me want to vomit at the thought. Right there and then, I thought he must be the one. This site has comforted me and educated me. He and I mostly did old school petting if you know what I mean. I am going to have an std test with herpes panel this month. I want to bring him here. He doesn't know half of what you guys talk about. He couldn't and be so-so morose and hopeless. He said nobody wanted him; he would say things like that used to frustrate me so much when I kept saying, "I do,I do,"but now that I have read some of the post here,it makes sense. When I was in church God told me to forgive him,and forgive him I must. How can I not when I have been such a mess myself? Thank you guys for your kindness to me.

Yes, I know I'm being unfair. Hence why I feel deeply ashamed and saddened. I honestly ascribe to the belief that you Support your love ones,not reject them. I have friends/family members who have cancer,autism,been incarcerated--one even passed from HIV. The problem is,he didn't tell me. He stole my choice.Yet, I realize that I can't judge him or anybody else given my own less than pristine choices in life. He was LONELY. Loneliness is emotional starvation.Sometimes the lack of authentic human or emotional engagement gnaws like an empty belly. So I get that. I pride myself on being a woman a strength but realize that I am behaving quite cowardly. I have read much here on this site,have learned much--more than he. He uses condoms but that's it. My plan was to bring him here,try to get him to speak to you guys. I don't want to abandon him because he is my friend,and I don't walk away from friends if I can help it. One more thing, I didn't "fall for him" saying that he needed sex;I merely quoted him. I myself have essentially been celibate for years. However,I have engaged in other forms of sexual activity which I deemed to be safer forms of sex. He just told me that because he wanted me to understand why it was hard for him to wait before sleeping together. The real issue is I didn't have enough time with him before being ht with this;it was just enough for me to miss him but not enough to be devastated by his loss.

I met a nice guy through an online dating site. We really hit it off. We are of different races. I find myself incredibly attracted to white guys and have been that way for a while,though only in the past four years have I found the courage to date interracially. And that was because I am older and was recently diagnosed with a pretty horrific vulva skin disorder that can become cancerous. With an aging body and a serious health concern,I had begun to feel a need for a bucket list. Therefore, I lost some weight,wore less conservative clothes,I have to admit a five inch heel is exciting,and posted sexy but I would hope tasteful pictures of myself online. Men of all races were attracted. Cutting to the chase, I met a 6'3 lanky brunette ACDC tee shirt wearing middle aged man boy. Our first date was at the local theater. He drove for 2 hours to see me--on his motorcycle. I will never forget how excited I was to see him. I loved his outfit and our racial differences,and I knew he was proud to be seen with me. We talked and laughed and teased like two kids. It was an amazing date. I remember thinking," I have found him at last,my friend and my love." That same night we kissed and kissed and um engaged in heavy petting. Every time we saw one another our interactions mixed laughter with sexual activities. However, as intense as those interactions were, I never permitted coitus. I wanted us to date for at least six months or more,to really build a foundation of the heart. Things began to fall apart when I tried to tell him about my disorder which many patients are embarrassed to disclose because of the physical toll it can take on the genitals. He became standoffish; I remember crying and praying to God about his behavior. He stated it was "him," not me nor my disorder. kept calling him though he was cold to me. I wanted him you see, or so I thought. One night he talked to me about sleeping with him and really appeared ready for a commitment. I told him to give me at least until I went ti have my 6 month check-up-- most patients with what I have have to be followed for the rest of their lives. The disease is incurable.After hearing me speak of my appointment,he began apologizing. I can still feel my heart racing when I heard those words.Why? For what? For having genital herpes,he finally told me. I cried and cried,my sweet man with the silky brown hair.That was about a month or so ago. He and I have talked in a rather distant kind of way. You see, he didn't disclose right away. He told me that I had nothing to worry about,but I am worried. I have touched him intimately, and he had reciprocated. I We frequently kissed endlessly. Even now I miss that. I have not been tested because I was trying to wait for at least four months,February would be that deadline. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can stay with him and be his lover not just because I don't want to contract herpes but because of what I have which in a weird kind of way is mistaken for herpes by many doctors. It's very debilitating for many patients,even more so than herpes from what I have read here at the forum. If I haven't gotten it, I want to still be in his life. I understand about the fear of disclosing. Notice that I haven't stated what I have. I can't for psychological reasons. I told him only because he was the one who would have to deal with me when I had days when I couldn't perform. This is a man who "needed" sex according to what he said to me, so I felt as though I somewhat tricked him by being so intimate with him early on. But what I have is not contagious. He also feels as though I played with his emotions. I didn't . Help me,please.