honeydukes

Ughhhhh..... I know I have only been dealing with this a short amount of time. I get it. I know it is seriously shitty of me to be pissed. However... I had a dinner party tonight and all I wanted to do was down some wine and go to bed. I couldn't because I had already made plans but damn. I don't want to have to deal with this again so soon. I had to tell my husband about it when he got home because well he needs to know. I felt like shit all over again. I hate it. I hate being pissed because I worry he will think it is directed at him. I am pissed at the disease... not how I got it. I need to go stock up on the epsom salts. GRRRR

Ok... so I had the horrible awful initial outbreak. Couldn't walk, sitting was a nightmare, life sucked in a nutshell. Get through it. Did the 2x's a day medicine thing and decided to stay on the once a day for at least a month to help things along. Get better, clear up,start running at least three days a week, get back in the saddle again sex wise (finally this weekend) and then...... I just get out of the shower and WTF...... I swear I have a blister again. Now I don't know if it's a blister or if it's just clogged follicle (read pimple or whatever) but it looks like a blister. No pain, didn't feel it prior to getting out of the shower, not a single bit of itching..... nothing. Seriously how am I supposed to know what the f*&k this is? Is this thing ever going to go away or will it just tease me like an unwanted house guest..." I'm leaving, I'm gone..... Hahaha psyche! Just kidding I'm staying and bringing friends here too". How often will this shit happen? How do I know if this little jewel is another outbreak? I'm fairly angry right now. I know it's stupid to be angry and a little pointless but I'm pissed.

I must say the ability to say and share all here helps so much!

WCS..... I did suggest and handle that in just that way (sort of... I found a way to please him another way)! I'm just not ready yet I don't think for the rest. Intimacy has taken new levels this past month. Thank you so much for the support.

So cut to now...... I don't have any more blisters (thank God because I had so many and hurt so bad it was hard to focus on anything other than how I was going to sit down, move, pee, etc). My husband has been AWESOME. The lack of sex over the past few weeks is getting to him which I get but my desire is at below than normal levels. I made my first disclosures. I hadn't intended to tell anyone but I decided to tell a couple of people. One I will share...... My best friend called and I found myself almost blurting it out. Something tells me she knows a little about it from someone/somehow because she was pretty well educated. She gets cold sores so maybe from reading about those? We started talking about the various things and we started making shitty jokes and making fun of the whole situation. It was exactly what I needed. We giggled about the whole "shedding" process and her response was "It doesn't make a difference, you couldn't shed me if you wanted to". I am still getting use to all of this. I still have moments. When I do have those moments I come here and read for a few minutes. I always feel better when I do. I guess through this bullshit disease I am finding the little positives are what life is about. Good husbands, good friends and (even though it is anonymous for the most part) a good support system here.

I wish I could express to you all how very grateful I am for the support. I am still freaking out a little bu I did tell my best friend and she didn't look/blink twice about it. I got weepy reading all the responses but I must say that a lot seems to be making weepy lately. I just have to remember that this is just one thing or part of me and not what will define me right? Again thank you so much!!!!

I have been lurking for @1 week. Around a week and a half ago I was in the middle of a 24 hour shift and thought "great, I'm getting a yeast infection and possibly a bladder infection to boot". I stopped on the way home from work and bought the over the counter stuff. Felt better the next day (even if I was still a little itchy) but also noticed what I assumed was an ingrown hair or something near my leg but closer to my lady business. Had my husband check (he said it looked like an ingrown hair) didn't think twice about it and went to an amusement park with him and the kids. Began itching a little more and more throughout the day and to add insult to injury it began to feel as if a flame thrower was operating every time I urinated. @4ish in the afternoon I steeled myself to pee again (lots of "You can do it. It will only hurt for a minute") and found that I completely was covered with little red bumps. So at this point...in extreme denial... I start thinking I am having an allergic reaction to the yeast infection medication or maybe an army of fire ants made its way into my nether regions attacked and moved on. Did I mention yet that I have a decent amount of medical knowledge and background? Move forward to the next morning... I have now entered the era of holding my urine to the point of bursting to avoid the river of flames and tears that come with it, I have a carpet of bumps and the itching and pain have increased exponentially. So I start coming to a realization...... Wake my husband up. "Um, Babe, I think we have a problem." I explain that after 13 years of marriage and having been together for 15 years I think I have herpes. He has cold sores but we have always been extraordinarily careful. Cut to the next day when I am on shift for another crazy 24 hours. Pain and agony don't begin to describe the day. I call my OBGYN and frantically ask to speak to the nurse (I'm not telling the receptionist that I think I have herpes!). Hours and hours later I get a call back and of course I can't answer because I am busy doing my job (can't put my job on hold for phone calls no matter how important it is to me). Call back within five minutes....have to wait for another several hours. Finally get to answer when she calls back, explain my problems, get an appointment for the first thing the next morning. As the day goes on my lymph nodes decide to join the pain and agony party in my pants and it hurts to move, pee and the itching alone is enough to make me want to cry. Make the walk of shame into the office the next morning. Feeling "dirty" and now I have to fill out my "reason for my visit" sheet and past medical history stuff (I chose to leave the reason blank). Get called in to the back and the receptionist hands me a sheet to give to the nurse. I notice at the bottom of the bottom of the sheet "vaginal blisters" is marked under reason which leads me to believe the nurse put a reason for the emergency visit in and my reluctance to share anything with the receptionist is a moot point. Tell aid one about why I am there (she hands me tissues when the water works start) and begins telling me how common it is and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Enter the nurse and my doctor ten minutes later. Of course he asks about how I've been and we do the catch up thing (I mean he did deliver one of my children). I tell him what I think is going on and his response is " Ok, lets check it out and see if that's what it is. If it is, no big deal. It's going to be at most a minor inconvenience for you.". WTF??? Is he really so casual about this??? Five minutes, an exam, a swab and a little confirmation as best he can... we start the real discussion. "Yes, it looks like herpes. I want to start you on drug therapy right away." He decided to take blood as well to determine what kind. A little over a week later, I have genital HSV 1. Damn sneaky cold sores. The pain after reaching epic has now dialed it down to mildly itchy and only slightly uncomfortable. I spent one day crying in bed and now..... I don't know what the hell to think. How do I go on? Am I going to end up giving this to my husband (his boy parts since he already has this on his mouth)? How often will the big show happen now that we have seen its debut? How do I deal with the shame and dirty feelings? What does this mean for me and my future? My husband has been awesome and super supportive. We have been married for so long I didn't have the issue that single people do. This doesn't make me not question the future however. What if he leaves me? What if I leave him? Would that mean I would have many years of celibacy to look forward to? I am trying to keep things in perspective. My doctor and his staff and my husbands reactions have helped tremendously. I'm not dying. I still have a great husband, a beautiful family and a job I love. So why do I feel as if I've been given horrific news and that I am damaged goods? Does anyone have any advice, suggestions, thoughts, statistic or anything that will stop this damn hamster from running in his little wheel of torture in my head?