sad_woman

no tips /insights or comments on how i can revenge?

Hi all, my first post here. Maybe I should share my story but im on my phone so i will try to write it in short (and please excuse me for bad English its not my mother tounge). I want to start with that i was virgin until 20years of age and had 2 boyfriends i had sex with. One also virgin, second std free the second i thought was the one but he had issues so when it ended i was heartbroken a year before i entered the dating arena again and unlucky met my hsv-2 giver which i dated a year ago and on the last date I asked if he was tested/clean - he replied calming "YES EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT :)" kind of... and i wanted to trust him + i didn't know by that time condom won't help, that 1/3 adults in my country has hsv and that they don't must tell new sexpartners about it according to std law. So we had sex with condom like 15 minutes. Other dates he thanked for but not this last one... so i called 4 days later asking what's up with this and in short i realised he was just a player. I moved on and got contact with a guy in my class at university but just as it stared go really great with him (about 2-3 weeks after sex with last guy) I STARTED HAVE THIS HUGE PAIN DOWN THERE. Peeing was almost unbearable torturing and i felt likened had flue. Just that time i had to go on trips with class and the new guy for 4 days IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FIRST OUTBREAK I was diagnosed for just before trip I got acyclovir and during whole "vacation" i had to be tough and ride through the storm, eating 5pills a day, sleep in same room as my new love interest and 2 others...it wasn't easy. My first ob was extreme, inside of my labias were covered with ulcers and seriously if all obs would be like that id comsuicide long time ago... I called my giver up and he confessed he didn't told me about His hsv-2 because he hadn't had an outbreak for 10 years... he also tried to tell me i might have contracted it from somebody else but i was and still am damn sure it was him. I recorded phobecall where he claimed he lied and gave the police but they said they couldn't prove anything and since that std isn't under a law where you must disclose like HIV he couldn't be punished. I was devastated but tried to live on... dating guy in class whole semester and finally diacolsed to him. He seemed to take it well first but then said he had to think and got quiet a couple of weeks to finally break it of... it was the ultimate dismissal and i went in depression, not dating anyone a half year. I even then called my giver and telling him how much he destroyed and that i get outbreaks 1-2 times a month and that i think if he couldn't be honest back then he should take responsibility now and pay my medicine and healthcare + psychiatrician at least but he replied "I dont think i am a bad person i sleep good at night, next girl i dated after you u disclosed to and she slept with me with and without condom. Herpes is not a disaster a flight crash with hockey players was and ny lenses cost more the medicine. Shit happens" - totally random. Btw he is a CEO with money, I student and i also must buy contact lenses... i felt like i wanted to kill him. Especially when he kept hunting my dreams where i chopped if his trout with a knife for his lie/douche behavior but i tried to focus on my life and how to get better instead. I've been thinking about revenge but dont wanna end up in jail myself. I tried everything: lysine, propolis, royal gelly, garlicpills, zinc, all sorts of vitamins, tea tree oil and veggies but nothing worked. Still got outbreaks every month at same spot next to my "hole". I know it may be due to lack of sleep + study stress sometimes but it goes along with being a student. I have dated some guys last weeks but it was just enotional roller coaster and energy draining so i realise i should stop it until maybe the really right one come along... I am so sick and tired of genital herpes. I feel I've read everything about it many times yet here i am and can't accept its a part of me, i don't want it to be and now my anger have gone from the giver to the research donator givers/government who i know don't want to find a cure, rather making money on medicine. I can understand that cause it brings economic income plus the ones who decided that are probably rich powerful men and men got like 1/10 of the problems women get from herpes. I mean men can see the bumps, women have to take mirror. Men wear lose pants we women often tight cause panties pants and stockings are supposed to be tight on us. And we got period which is even more worse when we get outbreak during it cause we have to wear what's it called... leak protection on our panties which scratch against the herpes wounds -aouch. And ye there is tampoons but im to sensitive to wear them... the men got testosterone which promotes healing whlie women got eostrogene which is not good for healing (that's why for example wisdom teeth shouldn't be extracted during ouvulation when eostrogene levels are highest = bigger risk of dry socket syndrome). Then men got more serotonine in brains making it more hard to cry or get stressed/depressed which women tend to, plus men don't have to think about giving birth trough ceasean suction to eliminate risk of passing herpes on to baby, and the facts can go on and on... Finally im angry that in highschool books /teachers in sex classes didn't informed condoms ain't protection against all stds or that herpes was pretty common so i feel angry at them too not giving proper information. Instead it feels like they want people to get herpes so we pay medicine and other stuff around it. My longest dream was to become oldest women in world cause i got good genes (no cancer in my father and mother relatives for instance) but now with this disease since im 22 i feel it won't happen cause diseases can mutate dna + make it show in face as assymmetry when one is sick... and body is always fighting to surpass herpes from replicate. If we got a cold its like two viruses to fight against not just one. And as old people we will have worse immune system as youngsters so you can calculate what im saying... Anyway, in spite of the above I dont want to disclose again but then I am afraid of rumours! A friend to me who btw have slept protected with over 50 guys but only got chlamydia twice no herpes told me her friend was called like "herpes -sara" when rumor spread. And ironically she would have probably contracted hsv from my giver cause they met before me and changed number but he didn't called her... Seriously i wouldn't sleep with anyone with this disease so i understand people who dismiss after disclosure. But at least i would like that a guy cared about me enough to tell. So if its true that my giver told his next girl about it then contracts to her but i still am angry i didn't get that opportunity especially when i asked.if he was tested/had any std before we had sex. Lastly i just have to say I've been through many bad stuff this year like my stepfather cheating at mother who when i told her about hsv didn't gaver me a hug just yelled i exaggerating and.should stop crying + not tell anyone - well easier said then done! Ok Sorry this post got long. I just hope to get some compassion and perhaps tips i haven't tried yet of how to minimize frequency of outbreaks and deal with anger i feel against especially that there.won't be a.cure in our lifetime. I know forgiveness is important so I've worked with that and don't feel as angy on my giver anymore. Rather sad... just sad easier said the done! to not being able.to.just go with it and have sex early some.time. Now always have to disclose or live like a nun. Sorry for all the misspellings, this is like a long sms and i can't barely see what im writing. I.appriciate any answers . /sad woman Love and light to you all.