Scared123

Sooo...I'm going to dig this one out of the crates. It's been a bit since I wanted to visit this site to be honest. I perhaps should have cooled down a bit before I posted back then. I was pissed at the moment and some of the responses i didn't care for at the time. First things first. I, in no way, meant to disrespect or judge any of you regarding anything. H-related or otherwise. It was not in my intentions so I sincerely apologize to those of you who I might have offended. What I didn't say in my post, was although the disclosure of herpes was quite a shock after months of intimacy, what was terrible was the way in which she told me, along with a few other non-H related matters, which made the whole herpes thing kind of seem like small potatoes somewhat (nothing STD related) comparatively speaking. Topped off with a cherry of not wanting to talk about it at all after the reveal. She kind of just shut down and went to bed. So, needless to say, i was a bit unimpressed, upset and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out about the whole big-picture of the previous nights "one way" discussion. I immediately got a full range STD screen and all results came back normal. The next few months might have been the worst months of my life. Because I did and still do care quite a bit for this girl. I wanted to be A-OK with everything she told me (not just the H topic). But things that she has been living with for years and was no big deal for her, wasn't something I could just be ok with over-night. The whole ordeal made me look at things, not just her and I, but life altogether and what is and isn't important, with a completely different perspective. And what Dancer said about it being a breach of trust...is 100% correct. If she had told me these things right off the bat would I have stuck around to see where this went? Probably not. Those of you who are on this board that do have H...if you had been given a choice of whether or not to get it from someone you hardly knew at the time, regardless of knowing what you know now...it being a blown out of proportion stigma, a skin rash that shows up now and then, and in reality not being that big of a deal...would you have chosen to contract it? Probably not. Regardless of how hard it is to tell someone, it is now your responsibility to do so. I am not trying to sound insensitive, although I know I come off as such. If you to get to know me in real life, you might find that I am actually far more empathetic and understanding than you would ever imagine. So in the past months, I have tried to learn as much as I can about everything. I find conflicting information on H. I find people and sites that seem as if they were written by complete morons. I find sites that seem like they are on top of the ball with info, this being one of them. Her and I are still together. Things are up and down for me between us for me. That one night, months ago, changed a lot for me. I think too much. About everything. All the time. I lay out every scenario and think about everything that could be said or done from said scenario. Then lay out every possibility I can think of from each of those threads. Although the H thing isn't on the top of my mind, it is something I worry about now and then. If I knew it was her and I for the long haul, it wouldn't matter. But I'm not so sure about us all the time. Am I over-thinking things? Yes. Makes me miss putting a liter of Jack in my stomach (2 years sober last week). I have never moved so slow in a relationship. Feeling each other out and what not. She's such an asshole...but I like it. Not many people, much less women, can meet me at my level of assholery. I think back to the way she told me everything, knowing her the way I know her now, and honestly, I can't see her saying it any other way. It was still a shitty way to tell me everything but I suppose it's part of her...I dunno, "charm" shall we say. And seeing as I have rambled for so long, perhaps I can get to this whole thing now with a clearer head. The girl has had this for going on 10 years. Takes the antivirals twice a day. Hasn't had an OB in 8 from what she tells me. Has told me that she doesn't think me getting it is something I ever have to worry about. I feel she could be mistaken. She was "with her ex for 5 years never using a condom and he never got it." I feel as if (from what I've read) even though she has gone so long without an OB, that medically speaking, it is entirely possible, however small of a percentage, that it could be contracted to me, with or without an OB. I feel like Dancer might have had another point in that she might not be as informed now as she was when she got it a decade ago. I have not told her about this place. She doesn't like to talk about it and I feel like if I tried to direct her to a place like this, she'd get upset. When she told me she seemed to want me to have all my questions outlined and then just ask her, one after another, and then when the discussion is over, not talk about it again. Ever. I told her I' sorry, but that's not really going to work for me. I don't think she is ok, or fully accepted the fact, that she has it...even after so long. I'm not quite sure how to try and help her without unintentionally upsetting her. I'm not quite sure how to deal with this at a deeper level with her. I have always been one of those people who never get sick. Like...ever. An immune system like Bruce Willis from Unbreakable. A flu will go through my work putting big, brawny men who use duct tape to close gushing lacerations out of commission for a week and I don't even get a sniffle. Is it possible that I would be more prone to fighting off something like this or am I being completely ignorant? Does a strong immune system do a better job (not COMPLETE job...but better) of fighting a virus like this? Cause that's all this is right? A virus. I saw a post about vaccine trials here somewhere. Although there is not a cure (YET) is there an effective vaccine that is being worked on or in trials? Anyways, I just realized how long this is. Sorry if I bored any of you. My main goal was to apologize and to give a bit of an update. Hope you're all well and thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I appreciate it. Peace out.

Hello everyone. I just found you this morning and must say, it is great to see such a supportive group of people. I have been reading threads and it's good to see that I'm not alone in my recent experiences. At this point, I'll just explain my situation and get it off my chest. So I am a 35 year old man. Dating has been difficult for me the last few years. I spent a good chunk of my life as a raging alcoholic and drug abuser. The lighter "recreational" drugs, mind you, but still abused them. I sobered up about 2 years ago and have been wanting to get my life back on track. I've been dating, but it is so hard and awkward for me that I had almost just called it quits. But about 5 months ago I met a girl that I'd be lying if I said I wasn't falling in love with. She has herself together yet has hinted at the fact that she was in rough shape through her 20's. When we started dating I said multiple times that I wanted to be safe with sex and not worry. I told her about the fact that I am have/had HPV and she mentioned nothing about anything. I've been happy as can be. Then last night she had 2 glasses of wine, which is weird, she doesn't usually drink too often, but hey...whatever floats your boat. I guess she decided it was time to give me full disclosure of everything. She proceeds to tell me she has had herpes for about 10 years. She told me she hasn't even had a sign of an OB in 8 years and is on antivirals always to keep everything undercheck. I was shocked. She told she has had multiple serious relationships and never spread it to any of the men she dated. I'm not quite sure this makes me feel any better. So I didn't sleep last night, reading and informing myself to herpes (which I wasn't ignorant to, but certainly didn't know the in-depth details). I have felt many things in the last 24 hours. Fear, sadness, anger, etc. I'm angry because she took it upon herself to not tell me up front. But I understand why she didn't. But she stripped me of my option to make a conscious choice on my own about this. I went to the doctor and will get tested for everything tomorrow, but I still just feel heart broken. I see the stories of people here in relationships in which one partner has it and one does not. I don't know if I can do that. Especially after, what I perceive as, this huge breach of trust. If I have it, I still have this voice in the back of my head about what else isn't she telling me. If I don't have it, that voice is still there, but I'm not entirely sure I can stay in a relationship with her. So regardless of how I test out, I feel like I don't know if this trust thing is something I can get past. Plus, I don't know if I could continue to be intimate with her. And that makes me feel like this huge asshole...I just want to hug her and tell her things will work out. But I'm not entirely sure that's true. And I know I am most likely playing into this herpes stigma I keep hearing about here and how H is your wingman, but...I just don't know. I'm just so upset and sad and angry and hurt and scared and everything inbetween. So I just wanted to get that out there. Thanks you all for making me feel better this morning when just about every 5 miutes I felt like I was going to throw up. Peace.