mazedaze818

I posted a discussion a little while ago leading up to having the talk with a guy I'd been seeing. We were dating for about a month and he was the first person I'd considered semi-seriously since my last boyfriend. Having the talk was a big deal, I've always treated sex with a lot of weight, but disclosing made it all the more nerve wracking. We made plans for him to stay the weekend and I asked him over with the plan to have a sit down discussion, I couldn't put it off any longer. He showed up I was crazy nervous and decided to wait a bit before we talked about it...in the event that his reaction was negative, I wanted to enjoy being with him in that blissful ignorance for just a little longer. The night was great, I felt super connected to him, we talked about him not wanting me to date anyone else, we cuddled under a blanket outside and looked at the stars...essentially it was one of the most romantic nights I've ever had. So the next morning he knew something was wrong, and finally he said "nothing you can say will make me walk out the door, don't worry". I bit the bullet and told him, "the guy who took advantage of me in college took off the condom and didn't tell me, a year later I got tested and I found out I have genital herpes." I waited a bit and then started in on all the statistics: my being asymptomatic, how common it was, how the stigma is way worse than the actual virus etc. My delivery was level headed and sincere, I didn't cry (which was difficult) but before I could get my whole speech out he stopped me and explained that he took an extensive sexual health class in college and knew all the facts already. He thanked me for telling him, said he felt bad that I'd been keeping it in for so long, and was sorry that it happened to me. We talked for a little while longer, went upstairs and made breakfast together, spent the rest of the weekend really happy. We ended up in bed later on and I asked him how he felt about us moving further physically, and he said he wanted to take some time to think about it. That was hard to handle because I knew he'd come over ready to have sex if I'd given him the okay, but once things got "real" and I made myself truly vulnerable, he had to reevaluate his position. Knowing that I was being "reconsidered" was hurtful, I didn't hold it against him because I understood it was his right to set physical boundaries but it stung all the same. We had a really sweet goodbye and made plans for him to come over in a few days. I was relieved but a little uneasy. So from this point on things took a sad turn...I still heard from him every day but the frequency of our conversation changed. It wasn't drastically different, he wasn't aloof or short but I could tell something was off. He came over Wednesday, we kissed hello and made small talk. We were sitting on the couch, he took a breath and gave me this look and I knew we were going to revisit our most recent conversation...he told me that it didn't change his desire for me, he still wanted to sleep with me, but the conversation had forced him to think about what we were doing together. Where was our relationship going? If I was so willing to be honest and vulnerable, offer to go on medication if it would make him feel more comfortable, he had to consider how he felt about me in a potentially long term/committed scenario. And he said he realized he wasn't ready to be serious, that he didn't see himself in a long term relationship with me. He didn't feel right seeing me knowing he wasn't serious after I'd put myself out there in such a profound way. Ugh. That's the only word that comes to mind. After all that internal struggle, the fear, the excitement, the hope, and then his reaction, after all of that, he didn't want to see me anymore. Still wanted to have sex with me, but didn't have any interest in pursuing a romantic relationship. Ugh ugh ugh. I deserve a purple heart or something because I didn't cry, my voice didn't crack, I handled this harpoon to the chest like a pro. It was all an act because inside I felt like my internal organs were eating themselves, but I held it together. I was shocked, things were going so well. I hadn't really thought about us being in a serious relationship, I was just having fun getting to know him but still, hearing him say he didn't want me was awful. To his credit, he was very nice about the whole thing. He was honest but gentle, I didn't feel judged and that's a hard balance to strike. It was a tough conversation, he seemed to struggle with it more than I did but I think that was because he felt guilty for hurting me. It was messy and heartbreaking and such a shame, there was something special and sweet and worth pursuing but it stopped before it had a chance to develop. I think the "what could have been?" is the hardest thing to deal with. However, it's not all bad news. There is a silver lining... The herpes conversation forced him to face his intentions: he wanted to have sex with me but didn't want a relationship with me. Yes that is rough news to hear but it's also kind of a godsend. Imagine if I never disclosed to him or if I didn't have herpes at all. We probably would have waited a bit longer, had sex, I would have felt considerably more attached to him afterwards, and then he would have said the same thing: I don't want you to be my girlfriend. That pain would have been so much worse, that rejection would have cut me in two. I dodged a bullet, a big fat depressing heartbreak of a bullet. Disclosing takes a lot of heart and courage, when you show yourself to someone like that they are forced to look inward and it brings some real important truths to the surface. By being so honest with someone you get a pretty remarkable glimpse at who they are deep down. That kind of truth is something most people don't get to see until they're well into a relationship. I'm not saying the last few days have been easy, as soon as he walked out the door I collapsed on the floor and cried. I listened to Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks on repeat and wept and hiccuped and sobbed. But I survived. I'm smarter for having gone through it, I can feel proud of myself for doing the right thing and putting myself out there. It didn't work out, I got turned down but I gave it a real solid shot and that's not easy to do. I've got a date tonight with someone new, he's nice/tall/handsome/successful and I might lose myself all over again, but whatever the outcome I know who I am and I know that I'm going to be okay. Thanks to everyone on this forum, reading the posts and getting advice definitely helped. I'm glad to be here and if anyone wants to reach out or talk I'd love to exchange stories and support.

@WCSDancer2010 thanks for the response! I *personally* would say go on the anti-virals while you are getting to know the guy... maybe for the first year By first year are you referring to our first year of dating or my first year of having HSV2? I've had it 3 years now and as I understand it frequency of shedding goes down as your body builds up immunities over time. How accurate are the statistics for HSV2 female viral shedding? I was also a bit confused one fact on the sheet said it occurs 5 to 10% of the time and the other said 15 to 30% weren't sure if they were in reference to risk of transmission vs frequency of shedding. Also if I've never had symptoms and it's been this long, how likely is it that I'll ever have an outbreak? I got lucky out of the gate with my last boyfriend, he was very understanding, but I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility of this new guy not reacting the same way. The crazy thing to realize is that having HSV2 isn't that radical of a thing, like I said before, very little about my life is different. The biggest change since being diagnosed is I'm waaaaay more informed than the average person (which is a really great thing). It's people's assumptions about herpes and the stigma associated with it that's much scarier to me than the actual risk of transmitting it. The oral sex thing is great news but I'll save that till after we've talked about it, still it's a great silver lining to the whole thing :) Thanks so much for taking the time to listen and offer advice and info. I'm slowly working my way up to disclosure, whatever the outcome I know I'll be okay.

HSV2, I got a second full panel blood test today just to be sure. But according to my doctor, a lot of people are asymptomatic like me...it's part of why there are so many new cases each year. People don't show symptoms so they don't know they have it and in turn, don't take the proper precautions so it keeps spreading. False positives don't seem that common though.

I have HSV-2. Like I said earlier, I've been really strict about limiting our physical contact. After doing more research on the website, I've probably been more cautious than necessary but I didn't want to do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable after I told him. For example, the statistics I read about for risk of transmission from female to male during oral sex are very low but I wouldn't considering doing that before we discussed my status. What constitutes a silent outbreak for HSV-2? In my research it seems like an outbreak is the type of thing you'd notice, and seeing as I've known about it for 3 years I feel I have pretty good body awareness. I also talked to my doctor about suppressive therapy and she said in light of my going 3 years without symptoms, she didn't feel it was necessary. She didn't give me a hard no on taking it, but rather, left it up to me to decide. The real grey area for me is viral shedding; if the situation was reversed and my partner disclosed a herpes diagnosis I would find comfort in concrete statistics but viral shedding is really up in the air. Like you said everyone is different, and it's not as if I'd know when it was happening. That uncertainty, especially where viral shedding is concerned, is part of what I grapple with when it comes to planning my disclosure. Also this is a bit silly (or maybe it isn't) but my birthday is this Friday and we made plans to spend the night together on Saturday (I made it clear we wouldn't be having sex). I know there's no deadline for disclosure but as we spend more time together I can't help feeling a little bit like a fraud, I just want to get it over with. And if it isn't my birthday, I'm assuming there will always be some reason why the timing isn't ideal. I feel like at a certain point you just have to bite the bullet right? Thanks for support!

I tested positive for herpes 3 years ago after a really nasty encounter with one of my college classmates. The experience was embarrassing, painful, and left me with a lot of shame, to the point that I didn't even consider dating for over a year afterwards. I met my last boyfriend and we both got tested before sleeping together, I tested positive and it was a huge shock since I'd never displayed physical symptoms of any kind. Thankfully, he was incredibly understanding and after discussing it with my doctor, we both decided we could handle it. And in all honesty, nothing about our sexual relationship was any different from the ones I'd had before I was diagnosed. We stopped seeing each other a while ago, and since then I've been dating a few people and it's been a lot of fun. However, there's always a nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me, "you have to tell them and they probably won't be okay with it". That voice has kept me from opening up to people on an emotional and physical level, but I'm trying to come to terms with it. I started seeing someone more seriously two weeks ago, and it's been great. I set up really specific physical boundaries for two reasons: first, I didn't want sex to distract us from really getting to know one another, and second, I didn't want him to find out and then feel I'd been careless or put him at risk in any way. He's been incredibly respectful, hasn't pressed the issue once and I think that says a lot about him...but there's still no way of knowing how he'll handle the news. Having the conversation is all I can think about lately, trying to find the right time, analyzing possible reactions, it's the worst. I'm asymptomatic, in the three years since I tested positive I've never had an outbreak of any kind, my diagnosis exists in this weird grey area and it makes things confusing for me. The statistics I've found all apply to people with regular outbreaks, and I just wanted to know if anyone has any accurate information for people that are asymptomatic. I'd also really appreciate suggestions on the best way to phrase my disclosure, a man's perspective would be greatly appreciated.

I tested positive for herpes 3 years ago after a really nasty encounter with one of my college classmates. The experience was embarrassing, painful, and left me with a lot of shame, to the point that I didn't even consider dating for over a year afterwards. I met my last boyfriend and we both got tested before sleeping together, I tested positive and it was a huge shock since I'd never displayed physical symptoms of any kind. Thankfully, he was incredibly understanding and after discussing it with my doctor, we both decided we could handle it. And in all honesty, nothing about our sexual relationship was any different from the ones I'd had before I was diagnosed. We stopped seeing each other a while ago, and since then I've been dating a few people and it's been a lot of fun. However, there's always a nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me, "you have to tell them and they probably won't be okay with it". That voice has kept me from opening up to people on an emotional and physical level, but I'm trying to come to terms with it. I started seeing someone more seriously two weeks ago, and it's been great. I set up really specific physical boundaries for two reasons: first, I didn't want sex to distract us from really getting to know one another, and second, I didn't want him to find out and then feel I'd been careless or put him at risk in any way. He's been incredibly respectful, hasn't pressed the issue once and I think that says a lot about him...but there's still no way of knowing how he'll handle the news. Having the conversation is all I can think about lately, trying to find the right time, analyzing possible reactions, it's the worst. I'm asymptomatic, in the three years since I tested positive I've never had an outbreak of any kind, my diagnosis exists in this weird grey area and it makes things confusing for me. The statistics I've found all apply to people with regular outbreaks, and I just wanted to know if anyone has any accurate information for people that are asymptomatic. I'd also really appreciate suggestions on the best way to phrase my disclosure, a man's perspective would be greatly appreciated.