evergreen

I have had herpes 19 years, I am 46 now. Wasn't confirmed till recently because my first episode the sample got contaminated and they were unable to confirm but I knew what it was. Got it from my husband, my boyfriend at the time. He died 18 months ago from cancer. The grief was the hardest part and having the herpes virus left me feeling all those nasty thoughts too. Not so much that I was shameful or dirty just that it would be hard to find some one else. I am feeling better about things now, except the part about finding some one else. I've always known what I wanted and go in that direction, that's how I got my husband, and now I feel like with H, can I be that same person? Or do I need to wait for some one to approach me. I've also read a lot on here about getting to know some one first before you disclose and I realize that the other person could be really hurt too if you wait and they have invested the time in you especially if they really have feelings for you. I am honest to the core. This is a major conflict for me in this situation and understanding other peoples fears gives me empathy for them. There is this guy I am interested in and I believe he is rather shy. I do talk to him and ask him for help with my jeep when I need information or other things I can come up with. Keep hoping he will ask me to have drinks and he doesn't. Maybe he's not interested, I don't know and I would like to find out. I know that drinks don't lead to intimacy and I don't want to lead anybody on. Don't get me wrong I am not immune to feeling bad about it, I've just learned that life needs to be lived not thought about.