Everyone is asking me for answers and I don't have anything to say.
I found out I had herpes two weeks before I started what was suppose to be my last year in college. I've spent the last four and a half months trying to keep going, but as the semester has just ended, clearly I failed at that, too. I've never finished a semester below a 3.2, never failed a course, and was the one who urged everyone to use condoms. I volunteered twice a week in the testing and awareness center. Yet, all my friends are still fucking raw on first dates and I'm the one at home burning all alone and crying myself to sleep every night.
I made below a 1.5 this semester and dropped over 20 lbs without even noticing. I can't get my grip on this. It's all I can think about. All day every day. I'm currently going through my third outbreak and I thought I was doing better until this. The flashbacks to everything are so clear. I'm so angry at myself. I used a condom but everyone knows herpes doesn't care how safe you are, as long as there's the skin on skin contact that I was craving.
I try so hard be positive but as the semester comes to a close its clear I won't be graduating this year and I have a lot of explaining to do because this is so unlike me. How do I say I failed easy classes that I like because I simply couldn't get out of bed? And when I did find my way to classes, I was completely zoned out? The weight loss is what I really hate. I hate all of this. He showed me all his paperwork and told me he was clean. The fact that I have permanently altered my physical and chemical make-up is so mind blowing to me. I feel like a slut, having sex with people I didn't know. Everything else has gotten lost in this spin. I feel like me as a woman is worthless now. A man is suppose to want to touch me and enjoy it, not get up itching with blisters for weeks after. I don't want to go home for the holidays. The questions that have been coming all semester will only intensify.
To make matters worse, feelings between me and a friend grew. After months of great conversations and long nights just talking, he told me he wanted to hold me all night. Eventually I let him. It felt so good to just be held, no kissing just breathing and sleeping together. We've since both kind of backed off, but I'm not upset because I'm terrified of him leaving me because of this anyway. I feel like it would throw me even deeper if that's possible. Just the possibility of it has stressed me out so much, the thought of having the talk ... I refuse. I hate wanting or needing anybody or anything, and at the same time I know that's not human. I'm so lost.
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