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I am very sorry it worked out this way for you.

10% per year and 10% per act of intercourse are very, very different. If the probability were 10% per act of intercourse you would be 93% likely to be infected after 25 go rounds. 0.9*0.9*0.9.. twenty-five times = 0.07 chance of being uninfected. I think the correct figure is 10% per year for male to female transmission, without precautions, from what I have read from other sources. I don't know where the number of 2 instances of intercourse per week came from, but it seems reasonable. If it's 10% per year risk, with 104 instances of intercourse per year that would imply 1/10 of one percent per sex act. 0.999^104 = 0.9, where ^ mean "to the power of". That 0.999 X 0.999 X 0.999 ... 104 times. That seems like a low probability per instance, but it compounds over time such that the cumulative impact of suppressive therapy and condoms make a big difference. Based upon my knowledge of statistics this is my view of how it works.

PositivelyBeautiful there is a lot of wisdom in your post. Thanks for your kinds words and support. I am glad that you were able to read between the lines that yes, we have a very special love.

I always appreciate your comments Dancer. I don't think any of us can say for sure what we would do from the other side of the equation. It's just hard for me to imagine to putting another in the situation that we are in just now. I think if I were infected and single through whatever circumstance, I would probably only date within the community of those already affected. That's what my heart tells me now, but who knows.

When my wife was first diagnosed, I was not sure whether I wanted my test to come back positive or negative. Things would be a lot simpler for us if I were positive. Then I realized that if mine came back positive, it might be that I gave it to her. That prospect was very distressing for me, so I was relieved that it came back negative. If the situation were reversed, I would have a really hard time letting my wife that the risk. Maybe that is selfish in its own way too. The same if I were to outlive her or if somehow we did not make it as a couple. I would not be able to talk myself into asking someone else to take that risk.

Thanks for your support, yeah I think we will make it alright. My doctor has been pretty good about responding to my online queries as well as on my two office visits that resulted from this situation. Her doctor offered to have us go to an office visit together, and that might be worth a try as you indicate. I have also had a couple of visits with a therapist who was moderately helpful. We are on an "Affordable Care Act" plan right now, so I have to ration my office visits -- and the therapist agreed to meet with me for the network negotiated rate, paid directly out of pocket, which even in our very expensive part of the country is so cheap I feel as if I want to put her on retainer for that amount!

Thanks for your perspective and advice. I really appreciate the positive tone of this board. It's not that I am considering divorce because of this. Just that in the same way that people have a strong emotional reaction to finding out they are infected, I have a similar response to the prospect of becoming infected. It's not that I am withholding sex, I am just still processing this and not ready to start taking the risk of infection. Clearly the least bad option is for me to be willing to take that risk. We have been thinking about what else we can do to have some level of physical intimacy in the meantime. We have been going through a rough patch in our marriage the past couple of years due to some exogenous shocks - no one's fault, just the stuff life throws at you that has impacted our relationship. Before her diagnosis, I had occasionally worried that we might be on a trajectory toward splitting up, but by her choice not mine. (She was surprised when I told her that I thought the last couple of years it had been a little rocky.) I love my wife and want to stay together. My reticence with taking this risk is mostly about the herpes, but it's also about taking that risk in the context of this rough patch. The age difference has never been an issue for us, except now that she is semi-retired it's true that we are sort of at different places in life. On the plus side, we have both been making special efforts to work on our relationship since diagnosis, and just recently we have had some breakthroughs in communication. Taking the average over the last fifteen years, we have had a great marriage so far, so hopefully it will all work out.

(Delete duplicate post).

I think we need to be clear that the 10% risk of being infected is not a lifetime risk, that is per year, right? That means your chance is 90% of not being infected male to female, per year. (I think the number is around 4% female to male without condoms or suppressant drugs). Over a ten year period without precautions, that means 0.9^10, or only about a 35% chance that you remain uninfected. For female to male transmission, with both suppressants and condoms, it would be 0.99^10=90% chance of not being infected after ten years. Whether it's male to female or female to male, and whether precautions are taken makes a big difference in the risk over time. (I should mention that I have some training in statistics, and a lot of knowledge about how these probabilities work over time. Each year's risk is an independent random variable and the only way you stay uninfected is if you win the gamble each and every year.)

My wife was visually diagnosed with genital HSV2 almost two months ago, and this was confirmed by the IGG test (she is negative for HSV1). I am negative for both after fifteen years of marriage (no condoms) and a seven-year relationship prior to marriage (when much of the time we used condoms). She is 60 and I am 49. She had something six months ago that might have been an outbreak, a single lesion, but not sure. By the time she made it to the doctor it was no longer there. The outbreak this last time was only a single lesion too. So, we are both really in crisis about this. Everything I have read seems to say it's not that big of a deal, you can have a somewhat normal sex life with precautions - if the partner is willing to accept the risk. And if they then become infected, tough luck they took the risk. I know that suppressants and condoms lower the risk to around 1% per year for female to male transmission. I want to have a sexual relationship with my wife, but we have not taken that step since diagnosis. I know if we are going to stay married I need to be willing to risk infection. I don't feel great about that prospect right now, and that fact does not make me feel like a very good husband. She mostly does not want to talk about it because it makes her sad. It makes me sad too, but I tend to process my feelings by talking. There seem to be so many permutations of what could touch what in any sexual encounter, even with protection, and it just feels very risky all around. There is no guarantee that my symptoms would be as minor as is typical. Anyway, any advice that you can offer on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.