stephner

Thank you for the support! I'm excited to see where it ends up, too! it's so true what wcsdancer said, some will run for the hills, others will consider it and choose not to pursue a relationship, others will be accepting and understanding. It's the luck of the draw I guess, but a great learning experience!

So, I posted not that long ago about how my first disclosure was a bit of a disaster, and since then have had an unexpected, unplanned, and completely random series of events. So I deleted my online dating profile because I was ready to break from that scene. Right before I deleted it though I had started talking to someone and we exchanged numbers. We met, things seemed to go well, and we continued to talk. One night we were talking and I made a comment about condoms and being safe (Looking back I totally set myself up for it) He was like well I'm STD free so no worries, do you have anything? Inside I freaked out. I can't say no to that question, but I was so not ready to spill. We had met once for God's sake! I beat around the bush for a second before I decided what the hell, might as well get it over with, and i just flat out said it. He was surprised. He stopped talking. We said goodbye and went about our lives. A few days later I texted him to see if our plans for our next meeting were cancelled. He said no, and we started talking again. He asked some questions, I answered as best as i could, and its been pretty normal ever since. We've met again since our chat about my herpes status (its semi long distance), and to my surprise he totally wanted to kiss me. He wanted to hold my hand. I thought our meeting would be more of a Let's be friends because I think you're cool kind of deal, but it wasn't. It really just goes to show that when you least expect it, and when you stop trying, something good can happen! I'm not saying that me and this guy are going run off into the sunset and fall deeply in love, I'm totally OK if that doesn't happen. It just gave me such a confidence boost after my last experience disclosing! Last time it was planned, I was prepared. This time it was (I thought) a total disaster that ended up working itself out somehow. Now I'm just excited to see where this goes, and it feels so good not to have my dirty little secret holding me back!

Thank you for the support. I really do appreciate it. It is good to know that I am not the only one who goes through this, but it kind of sucks because I don't know anyone personally who has had to deal with it. It makes me feel really alone and I just can't talk to anyone about it... at least, not now. I'm not ready for that. I just went trough the single most embarrassing and vulnerable moment of my life... I'm taking baby steps from here on out.

Hi, this is my first post and only my second time ever talking about my condition (is that even the right term?). So... I guess I just need to get it all out. Maybe it will help me feel more normal again. Anyways, here goes... About two years ago I started a relationship with someone who I thought was amazing. He told me he had herpes from the start, and I thought that was very admirable of him. However, even though he was honest about that, he was very adamant about not using condoms. Long story short, I obviously contracted herpes. We had a child, and the man I believed was so amazing at first turned into a verbally abusive, controlling monster. There were days I wanted to run away, he told me no one else would ever want me now. He tore me down emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. It took me over a year to get up the courage to leave him for good. When I finally left and took my son with me, he continued belittling me. It has now been 6 months since I moved out. Six long, lonely months living with this secret that I am afraid to even tell my family about. About a month ago I started seeing someone new. I told myself not to. That I would only get hurt in the end, but despite the voice in my head I wanted so badly to feel normal again. I wanted to feel like I was free to date who I wanted without thinking that my condition would affect my life. So, i let myself continue to see him. We hit it off right from the start, and had amazing chemistry. He was respectful, attentive, and kind. About a week ago I told him I had herpes. We were sitting in my car, talking about a relationship and he asked if there was anything about me that he needed to know. I told him yes, actually, you should know that I have herpes. At first, he seemed to take it well. He still wanted to kiss me and we talked for a long time after I told him. The next day, however, I didn't hear from him. He sent me a text here and there over the next few days, but I could tell something was off. I finally asked him yesterday if what I had disclosed to him freaked him out and he said it did. He gave me the pity talk, you're an amazing person blah blah blah, but I don't think I can handle it. I died inside. Not only because HE rejected me, but just for the simple fact that it made me feel like a monster. He kept comparing herpes to HIV. So... that was the first time i had ever told anyone. I never want to tell anyone ever again. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I dont want to believe that my ex was right, that no one will ever want me again, but this is the most frustrating situation. I am a good person, i have morals and dont sleep around. I can count the number of partners i have ever had on one hand. I am a single mom. I am doing the best with what i have, and this one, tiny, insignificant aspect of my life is going to haunt me forever. At least, that is what it feels like right now. I keep telling myself that i did the right thing, and i know that i did, but it just hurts... does it get any easier? Will I ever feel like I can date again? Right now, I never want to open up to another person again. It's different when someone rejects you for something like your opinions, your lifestyle, or your personality. Those are thing you choose for yourself. But to be rejected because I have a virus? Because of something I can do Nothing about, because I made one mistake in my past? That is tormenting.