kitcat77

@WCSDancer2010 what you do on here, taking the time to listen to and respond to every person freaking out, like me, is pretty amazing. Thank you.

I've been seeing this kid for a few weeks, pretty casually, though we really like each other and I honestly feel very connected to him. There are plenty of reasons why we shouldn't/can't be in an actual relationship (emotional and life circumstances). We slept together a few times, with protection of course, and I disclosed to him before anything happened. Anyway, last week, he told me that he had some (painless) dots on his penis he wanted to get checked out. I panicked immediately, but he went to a clinic and they told him it wasn't anything to worry about, that it was most likely an allergic reaction to chemicals in the lube in condoms or something. I was relieved. I'm just sad because I can see how it subtly changed the dynamic between us. He hasn't really seemed as interested in sexual things recently, and I think he is afraid to have intercourse now. I get that there are other ways to be sexual, but honestly not ever having actual sex is just a huge downer for me. He asked me about how I felt about doing the suppressive therapy, which, honestly, I hate the idea of. I can't stand taking most pharmaceutical drugs. Prozac and birth control pills both completely destroyed me psychologically and I am still healing from that time. Plus I want to let my body build up antibodies to fight it on its own. I just hate how the only way I'll ever find someone willing to have sex with me again is if I start taking a drug that sounds like it's really bad for your kidneys, and using condoms every freaking time. Not to mention, I am having a (very minor) secondary outbreak, literally just two tiny bumps that are a little sore. I have HSV-1, and my doctor told me I may not have any outbreaks again, which was a relief, but now this is making me really worried that I am going to start having outbreaks all the time. I thought I was in a better place, but I'm not. I was starting to feel better about myself, but I'm still just as insecure and down and I hate thinking about how many times I'm going to have to have the horrible herpes talk. Even the word herpes is just the most hideous possible word and I can't stand the way it sounds. Just needed to let it out.

<3 you're never alone. I had the same experience telling the person I was intimate with, an ex of mine I was still involved with. He tried to be supportive but it freaked him out. You are strong, beautiful, and unique. It takes time to make peace with your diagnosis but you will. Some days will be hard, but it really isn't the end of the world. Something that was hard but really helpful to me was telling a couple really close friends--and they all reacted with love and support. So if you get to a place where you feel like you can, it may help you heal.

So I've been on this one dating site since before I was diagnosed, and hadn't really been active. Then last week, I got a message from some kid asking me if I wanted to get a coffee. After reading his profile, he sounded interesting so I said sure, if anything it would help me feel more confident in terms of dating. Our first date went really well. Then yesterday, he invited me to his house and I was nervous even though I trusted him, but I went (brought pepper spray in my coat pocket lol). So we talked a bit, there was definitely some tension and then finally he kissed me, it was a little awkward. We were making out and then I felt weird so I just went ahead and disclosed to him. His response was like, "Okay. If we do anything, what if we use protection?" It was so straightforward and it was clear it didn't at all affect him wanting to sleep with me. Anyway, we didn't end up having sex, I explained to him I hadn't had sex since my diagnosis and still wanted to take things a little bit slower, but after my disclosure the whole vibe kind of shifted and I realized how I felt completely comfortable with him. I actually ended up staying the night, even though I wasn't planning on it, and we just talked and cuddled for like 9 hours (I got to his house in the early afternoon!) I honestly feel like I have this magical connection with him, it's crazy since I just met him but we both remarked it feels like we've known each other for so much longer. The thing is, herpes is completely irrelevant, since we have this connection and it's basically like, so what. I'm 18, he's 20, and it's NOT a big deal, at all. I'm not even sure if I want an actual relationship with this dude, but I really like him so I know when we do have sex it'll be so much better since we took the time to connect. I just wanted to post this for people my age range. There are so many amazing, open hearted, non-judgmental people out there, of all ages :)

Thank you both! I agree, it's definitely something I would feel pretty uncomfortable about *not* telling someone I cared about in some capacity. Besides, I don't want to feel like I was used just for sex.

So I just had my appointment, my gyn said that the test came back positive for hsv1, which surprised me a bit since I assumed it was hsv2 since my ob was so severe, but she said it was probably because I had never been exposed to the virus and my entire body was just freaking out (sore throat, swollen glands, mild fever, chills, neuralgia, lower back pain). From what I've read it sounds like genital hsv1 has significantly lower shedding rates and rates of recurrent outbreaks, and most people have already been exposed to it orally and therefore have antibodies in their systems. Which seems like it would have statistically very low transmission rates through genital to genital contact, especially with condom use. I'm not doing the suppressive therapy right now, since it doesn't seem necessary unless I have a lot of recurring outbreaks. So...I am confused ethically about disclosure. Should I always disclose, even when using condoms and in more casual situations? I could definitely see it as the right thing when in a longer term relationship. No one has ever disclosed to me that they got cold sores before they went down on me (and oral hsv1 shedding rates are 3x that of genital hsv1), and that is why I am in this predicament. It's not even worth figuring out which of two different guys could have given it to me. If anything this whole thing has made me a lot more conscious about safe sex, I was always pretty indifferent about condom use, but I definitely am going to be a lot more conscious about it and make sure I get tested regularly.

@WCSDancer2010 Thank you so much for your response, it was the closest thing to a hug I could have received. I've been having a lot of ups and downs dealing with this, I realize it's something that takes time to accept, but it's hard because it's something that you have no control over and then affects you literally for the rest of your life. Also, I am in therapy already, so I think being able to talk to my therapist about this will be really helpful.

I just got diagnosed on Thursday (don't know which type yet). Going into the appointment I knew what it was, but I still hated hearing it. I'm on Valtrex and my OB is already clearing up (it was hell for about 2.5 days) but I am left to deal with the emotional trauma. I'm only 18 years old, headed to college in the fall, have had two sexual relationships in my life. The circumstances under which I got it (at least what seems most likely) are really shitty. I cheated on my boyfriend with my ex, it was stupid and I still feel horrible about how it happened. Needless to say we broke up because of that. Then I find out my ex had most likely given me herpes without my knowledge, I don't even know if he had any symptoms or was aware himself. It had been months since I saw him last and I honestly don't know how many people he slept with during that time. We aren't speaking anymore so it doesn't matter. But what DOES matter is I think I may have exposed my boyfriend at the time to it, since we had sex after I had seen my ex. I told him last night and he was so compassionate and kind about it, but it broke my heart a little because I could tell he thought it was truly horrible I had to deal with this, and maybe it is, but I hate feeling like my condition is pitiful since that only perpetuates negative thought patterns. He also talked about how it was unfortunate I got it before college since most people have mainly casual relationships in college and how this is the kind of thing that is a super big deal, and who would risk getting genital herpes for something they didn't think would last forever. So that didn't help either. OH and it turns out both of my parents have it...my mom gave it to my dad, and he never knew until after they had gotten divorced. They were both really nice about it when I told them, but neither of them has had to deal with it at my age, it seems like no one in their late teens/early twenties is mature enough to be understanding about this kind of thing. Dealing with having genital herpes on top of dealing with the guilt and loneliness after completely screwing up the relationship I had is horrible. It seems like some insane karmic result from my selfishness. Just needed to get this all out. I'm in a really low place. Having a history of depression, it doesn't take much to bring me down. My ultimate fear has always been ending up alone. I have few friends and dating is hard for me, I felt like I was just starting to feel attractive and likable, now all of my progress is gone.