flygirl0617

Who else has created the same mess I have? I hooked up with this guy a year and a half ago on New Year's. I've got all the excuses.....I was drunk, I was emotional, I was hormonal...you know them. But I also figured it was just a hookup so who cares (not that that makes it okay). Well months later, he starts texting me and we start dating. We only slept together a few more times while we got to know each other and tried to make a relationship work. I still wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship with him. I didn't see a future with him. It was almost an emotional affair for me. Augh, and I work with him. Anyway, we ended up not talking much the past several months but we still casually chatted and we see each other at work every now and then. Well last week he invited me to his parent's place to spend time with him. (To keep it simple, we are both pilots so he was visiting his parents for the week in Texas and asked me to come out to spend time with him. Consequently, that meant meeting his parents). We didn't sleep together while down there. I told him that's not why he came. This guy has been on my mind for almost a year now and I'm starting to see that he's actually a great guy and I could have a future with him. We had an amazing time and his parents are wonderful. I'm not quite sure where we stand right now. We've causally talked since but we've both been working so he hasn't asked me to hang out again. I never told him I have H. And I can't. I just can't. How could he ever forgive me if I did? I know it's the right thing to do but I am just so tired of being unhappy. I just want to be normal. I met someone over the winter and told him and he couldn't accept it. Before that, I've told 4, 3 of whom accepted it. With those guys, I've never spread it to anyone. I am always careful. Because the truth is, herpes is no big deal, it's just a skin condition. I rarely have outbreaks. But how can I date someone I've never told? What if he gets it? What if we get married and he finds out I've betrayed him? I'm a good person. Obviously not on this subject, but I am a good person. I've always done the right thing. I don't sleep around and I don't deserve this. And he doesn't deserve me not telling him. He's a good man but I just want to be happy. I don't want this to end. Everyone around me is married and having babies and I've never had anything close to a happy relationship. I've tried so hard. I try to be open, I've tried online dating. I am so busy with work that it is hard. I've finally found someone that maybe I could have something with but I've done the worst thing I could possibly do and I know the solution is to end it because I've screwed up. I know what I should do. I know I should tell him but I can't. I know I should at least cut and run and not carry on anything with him but I don't want to. I just want to be normal. I want there to be a cure. I want to find someone who tells me they have it too so I don't have to go through this. I can't tell anyone about this so this was the only place I could vent to. I just need some support.