Davola

@WCSDancer2010- So funny: I sent my boyfriend Brene Brown's talk on shame when he first told me he'd been diagnosed. It helped me through some of my own issues, and it was one of the things that got us back to talking and eventually back together. I love her work; I re-read Daring Greatly whenever I'm at a turning point in life. Anyway, thank you all for the advice. Of course you're right, and we did talk last night about how anxious I've been. He said he'd be completely fine with taking a break from sex while I get more comfortable (I have my own issues with trust and shame stemming from a sexual assault, so between the two of us there's always been a lot of emotions going on in the bedroom). I feel better. I did mention this site to him, but he's still not interested, maintaining that herpes isn't a part of his life. Regardless, I may be on here from time to time. I've been browsing and already found a ton of useful stuff. It's really nice to see an online forum full of educated, respectful people instead of the usual horror show you find on the internet. Just out of curiosity- do any of you have stats on the rate of transmission in discordant couples over extended periods of time (years…decades)? Is it a forgone conclusion that eventually both partners will get it? I also read a post someone who referred to a number, 3.5, in regard to their diagnosis. Are there varying degrees of severity when you're tested? Or does the virus just read stronger at certain times in its cycle? I've always thought of herpes as a binary state, you either have it or you don't. Is that incorrect? So much to learn! Thanks again, Laura

Hello all. Here in hopes of finding some support. About a month after we started sleeping together, my boyfriend found out he had HSV-2. He got tested because an ex girlfriend called to tell him she just found out she had it; he had never had symptoms. He later told me that once, about two years ago, he had an itchy tingly bump on his butt that he now thinks might have been an initial outbreak, but it was so mild that at the time he thought it was a bug bite or a pimple, so we’re unsure if he’s ever had symptoms. He was too afraid to tell me for about a month after that, but eventually he did; I was pretty upset because we’d still been having sex while he knew, but I got tested after a few weeks, and I was negative. It took a while, but we stayed together and eventually (after a lot of research and conversations with my doctor) I became comfortable having sex with him again. He is on viral inhibitors and we use condoms. I understand that given our circumstances, the chance of transmission is very low. We’re open about it with each other, but I know he feels ashamed of it, and he won’t talk to anyone but me about it. He feels very angry about the stigma society places on herpes, maintains that it’s not a big deal, and refuses to “be defined” by it. He often says that he wishes his ex had never even told him. I’m usually fine with it. Of course, I don’t want any virus if I can avoid it, but I think of it now along the lines of the chicken pox. Common, annoying, and usually not serious; I feel the only real difference between the two diseases is the way society perceives them. But I can’t help feeling a lot of anxiety about it occasionally. If I feel something itch anywhere near my groin, I get nervous. We’re young, and have been together less than a year, and I worry that if things don’t work out for whatever reason, I might be in his position very soon; afraid that someone I really like will leave me for having what’s really just a skin condition. Yesterday I burst into tears, having spent most of the day obsessing over a tingly feeling in my butt. I feel like I can’t talk to him about my anxiety because he’s still coming to terms with herpes as a part of his life. I’ve decided that there’s really no point in getting tested again while we’re still sleeping together, but the anxiety of not knowing is really wearing on me. I just don't know if this is worth it. Any advice from someone who’s been in a similar situation, or seen it from the perspective of my boyfriend would really be appreciated. Sorry for the incredible length of this post; I guess there’s been a lot on my mind. Thanks in advance… LS