Lotus45

What a horrible time this has been. I'm not sure how to spin it in a positive way. We just ended our relationship last night because after all the information he has gotten all he focuses on is the fear of getting it and he can't live with any possibility of being infected on his penis or mouth and said our sex will be sterile and laden with fear of exposure. If he didn't have genital herpes himself I could deal with this or see his point but because he has a different strain of pretty much the same thing from the same behavior I'm really struggling with feeling okay about this. I'm being told by friends it's better to get out and move on now then stay in something that makes me feel really horrible but it doesn't make it less painful... I'm taking a year off from any romantic/intimate relations and will love myself - I'm so deVastEd by this shit.

Thank you all so much for the objective perspectives it helps. I had a conversation with him last night where I told him that this isn't working because he is behaving like a total diva ***** and acting like his parts are way more precious than mine and not only is he coming off as immature and a hypocritical *** but totally misinformed. He said lets talk in person and I said only AFTER he goes to two consultations (he already agreed to but just hasn't yet) one of which I'm sure will validate his fears and the other will totally give him the opposite information because that is how clueless the medical industry is (and he won't buy in to that one) and we will be left with really the only take away I've gained in my consultations which are: Know your body and manage your stress levels and immune system and you can have a healthy sex life. And that we are working with a less than 4% transmission rate/annually of him getting hsv2 (with some antibody protection with his hsv1 genital) and if he can't be comfortable with that kind of risk then we have no present no future. I cannot have the kind of physical relationship that is based on his parts being more valuable than mine. **** that. I also recently spoke with 3 of my closest friends because I need to have discussions to work through things - all of which either have a partner with one form of hsv - or both have it - or they have it...

His hsv1-genital obs (or infected area is/) are not on his penis and he is worried about catching hsv-2 on that part of his anatomy. His hsv1 is from a young woman with a cold sore performing oral in is anal area 20 years ago. He had asked me to this and didn't tell me he had it until after I was diagnosed with hsv2 but doesn't think he had to disclose that because he never gets outbreaks... so frustrating because of the way he is treating my diagnosis I find it incredibly hypocritical. He just sees things in black and white...It sucks, because we were really digging each other and really had a beautiful relationship growing - no games - lots of adventure and downtime - amazing sex and now it's all shit.

So my guy got his results and he has hsv1 (oral/genital) and not hsv2. This is a big relief in a way because he didn't give it to me - it is also a relief because I didn't give it to him but it is still problematic in now we have two different viruses and he is still treating mine like it's the plague and his like it was nothing he needed to disclose. He said he can see how I think it's hypocritical but that he still doesn't want to risk it -doesn't understand how antibodies can protect him even though we had unprotected sex for 8 months (unknowly while I was infected) and we will never have a sexual relationship like we did before. It's been a month since I was diagnosed and we were intimate this weekend for the first time since and used a condom but he wouldn't touch my vagina and he had problems staying erect using a condom... this is so miserable - so frustrating and shitty. Part of me says to just give it some time and with me taking valtrex and learning to manage my stress levels and when I have symptoms (which are nothing more than a little annoying) that in time it will get better. Another voice says get out now take some time off and then find someone who isn't so ocd about something similar that they have from the same behavior...I'm miserable. He doesn't believe valtrex does anything to reduce transmission. He doesn't believe that studies have shown with most discordant couples that the uninfected partner will become so in in the first 3 months with unprotected sex - and even though he said that with his genital hsv1 that over time he believes he never put me in jeopardy that unlike him I can't master my symptoms and know when I'm safe and when I'm not.... All I do is cry every weekend we are together since this diagnosis

Thank you very much. I have a lot to read and think about as we wait his results and have a conversation about them this weekend. I already know where I am at and what I can deal with and what I cannot and though I understand that relationships are about compromising and that H does change some things I will not compromise my self-esteem and I will bear all the responsibility for this. Thank you thank you thank you!!

Right?!!!! Reading this I have a sinking feeling you could be right and that his behavior might actually be fucking GUILT! I'm dying. I'm not naive and I never have a hard time finding love or even maintaining good relationships with men (I'm really close to my ex husband still we just had a full run and couldn't manage our relationship, kids and career and decided to free ourselves from our marriage). But I might have been played in the worst way. I will so not stay if this is the case. Thanks, I think discussing it on this forum is helping me figure it out. I will wait and see how it plays out this weekend after he gets his results. So confused and angry right now.

I know that he sounds like a real jerk but he is not - he is just really intense. He defends that since he has had hsv1 genital for a long time and and that he hasn't had an outbreak in years that I was never in danger but he did apologize when I called him on it - sort of. It's inconsistent though with how rigid he is about our current situation and it's confusing me. I'm hoping it's all just coping and processing and that he will realize that and come to terms with dealing with our current situation and just as he feels that he has control over his std from 20 years ago (that he really should have disclosed) that we can manage this one too.

I hope it is just his initial reaction. I've been distressed and breaking out in tears whenever I think about it. On top of having to deal with the diagnosis someone I've invested almost a year in is freaking out. We are both aware that either one could have given it to the other so we aren't doing the blame game. But he said that our former intimate life is gone forever and if we move forward it will have to be radically different. We both agreed to talk to two different professionals: so after my initial gyno consultation post results I spoke with a clinical advisor at planed parenthood and for him he will get consultation from his GP and a clinic that give consultation after diagnosis. He is getting results back on Friday but keeps saying let's assume I have hsv2 but if what we read is correct and that it's more difficult to get hsv2 if you already have hsv1 genital then I'm assuming he doesn't. That will further complicate things even more because if he proposes we have sterile cold relations with the same diagnosis I can't imagine how it would make him feel with a different one and the possibilities. The information I have brought back to our conversation from my two consultations is inconclusive to him - he cannot get past the grey areas. Also I'm really into astrology and he is scorpio they have control issues... I'm a pisces I do not :)

Right. I won't stay in anything that would kill my self-esteem. He is just a very black and white kind of thinker and doesn't get the grey areas of this virus. He is stuck on it being "topical" and thinks we can reinfect each other all over different parts of our bodies because there have been cases of that or because everything that we hear or read will state the norm and then have some deviation clause in it and it's driving us insane but more so him to not have a definitive way of controlling or managing it.

Hello like others I'm pretty devastated but trying to maintain healthy attitude. I am 45 and was recently diagnosed after having symptoms I thought were early change symptoms and a little bothersome but not so alarming my doctor and I agreed to test for HSV2. Also because I was married for 14 years and have been legally separated since 2011 about to divorce and I have had few partners (to make up for lost time) including my currently one since then. So I tested and am positive for HSV2 genital. My current partner and I (of 9 months ) are waiting his test results and are currently discussing whether or not we can continue seeing each other. He already has HSV1 genital but never disclosed that until now because he said he got it 20 years and never has outbreaks and that they are only in his anal area. Based on his reaction to my finding out and his lack of disclosure it doesn't look good for us. He suggested that if we were to continue to have a sexual relationship even if he has HSV2 that it would be with him wearing boxers - always use condoms and both of us would wear latex gloves and that he would never perform oral on me and that is with him having a HSV2 also. And though I care for him very much and he is entitled to his precautions I cannot imagine having a sexual relationship like that and would not be able to handle that it would bring down my self esteem that I have worked very hard to lift up since my divorce. Does sex have to be this way post diagnosis and when both people have it??? please tell me he is over reacting and misinformed. He is a very intelligent man MBA, Law Degree and a Teaching Fellows - he is a little uptight tho and slightly OCD. Please help