sweetgrl

Hi, I'm glad to have found this place. I haven't had anyone to talk to about being diagnosed. This might be kind of long and a little graphic, and I apologize in advance. To start: I have been struggling with an upper respiratory infection and a case of hives that I've had since February. My doc put me on antibiotics, Diflucan, and two rounds of steroids. Shortly before the last dose, I started having soreness on my buttocks, which turned into blisters. I thought it was just a nasty yeast infection that had spread. The pain and blisters were in the crack of my butt, not around my anus, and not in the vaginal area. She didn't know if it was shingles or HSV so she did the test, and it came back HSV1. I FREAKED OUT. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I did have one indiscretion, when we had hit a very rough patch and I was leaving him. It was one night, that's it, and we ended up working it out and got back together. My husband knows about it, but doesn't know the details. The first thing out of his mouth was, ohhh the truth comes out. My thought was, that was 5 years ago. That's a long time for a virus to wait, especially when I have only been intimate with him before and since that day. In the last 6 months, we have had oral sex a lot, and I am thinking that is where it came from, or at least what made it worse. We actually had to stop because I kept getting yeast infections. Husband said that he doesn't have cold sores and that none of his prior partners got it, so he's clean and I'm the dirty one, which is stupid because I've bought him stuff for cold sores so I know he has it. Guess he's just wanting to not be the infected one. I contacted the guy I was with 5 years ago, and he said he is tested for HSV 1 and 2, HIV, and other STDs every 6 months (he is retired military), and that everything has tested negative since we were together. So husband has been kind of a jerk about it, to say the least, even though I told him that he could have given it to me and didn't know it because it is possible he hasn't had any symptoms at all at the time. When I talked to my doc, she said it's possible that I rubbed my face and then scratched my buttcrack, and that was just enough to cause an outbreak. Especially considering that my immune system hasn't been at top form for a long time now, and that the outbreak is mostly just in the crack. So then I was thinking back about 6-7 years, when I shaved everything front to back for a special night with husband, and then I got a bunch of blisters. The doc thought it was just folliculitis, but I am wondering now if it might have been an outbreak. I have also had days here and there where there was pain and kind of scaly in the crack of my butt, where the outbreak is at now with the same soreness and scaliness, and on occasion there was a bump here and there that I couldn't account for. Which would mean that I have had it for a very long time and never knew it. So husband told me that he bought condoms for if we ever have sex again. My question is...we've been together for 16 years, would it even make a difference to use condoms? I mean, if I got it, at some point he got it too. And I really hate condoms. His refusal to talk to me about it is hurtful. He says mean jokes, like How is your herpes today? And other stupid shit like that. He is determined that I am dirty, and I caused the infection, no matter what I say. He thinks I'm making excuses. I don't even know how to talk to him about it. So in other words, I don't know who I got it from. I'm trying to move past that and figure out how to get my marriage in a good place so we can have an intimate relationship. Ok that was long. I was hoping I'd feel better, but I don't.