Ssch

To whom it may concern, My name is Stephanie. I'm a 19 year old female, and I just found out I have herpes. There are 5 people who know about this: my mom, my step-dad, the man I contracted it from, and my two best friends. A very limited group. I've only known for about 2 weeks now. After having unprotected sex with this guy, I noticed something "down under" about 4 days later. And about 6 days after, I got really sick. So sick I had to be taken to the emergency room. At that point, I broke down to my mom about what I really thought was going on - being that I thought it was unfair to have them take me to the hospital for what they thought was the flu, but was actually an STI. My body had an extremely bad reaction to it, and as a result, my stress levels sky rocketed. I never even dabbled in the sexual realm until my junior year of high school. I started out cautious, extremely afraid of horror stories of STIs or teenage pregnancy. As I blazed through a few relationships, I found sex to be more of a social activity rather than a private venture. In college, I branched out much more and began to make more mistakes. Not saying that I'm promiscuous because I can count how many people I've slept with on two hands, but it certainly didn't feel good. I felt careless and reckless, and saw that other people started seeing me as an object rather than a person. My parents are extremely supportive. Not once did they freak out or assume bad things about me. They show nothing but love towards the situation, as well as tell me it's not a big deal. But it is, to me. I have dreams. I want to work in a hospital and help others. I want to join the military and do the same for the people who serve our country. I want to find someone who loves me unconditionally for who I am, and who wants to create a family with me. At 19, I made one stupid mistake in an act of desperation. I wanted to be wanted for one night, and now I feel tainted. I feel dirty most days. And when I find a way to forget - something pops up (an interested guy, friends making inappropriate jokes degrading STIs) and I end up in my rut again. The man who gave it to me apologizes and says it's "not fine" each time I tell him it is. And he's right - it's not, but I don't want to waste my time being angry with him. I forgive him. It's not as if I didn't make the choice myself to sleep with him. I know that's a step - but I still feel entirely lost. I want to date. I want to be young and carefree. But instead I have to wash a towel every time I use it, and take medications that I keep hidden from others, and hide my absolute shame every time someone jokes about herpes. I used to joke, too. And now I feel like the joke. Like karma stabbed me right in the back for being a careless female in this day and age. I tell myself that maybe this is a wake up call. Before I was actually diagnosed, I prayed (for the first time in years) to God, asking him to make this all an unfortunate series of events. And if He did, I would turn my life around. Unfortunately, prayer doesn't stop viruses that already exist. I figure I could use this as an opportunity and live out my life being unafraid yet careful, or I can lock myself away and bury myself in work to avoid the fact that I feel I will never find love or affection again. I find absolute comfort in the fact that you don't know me. That I can vent without hearing the pain in my voice or worry for being judged on the basis that you know all of my secrets. I wonder if people would be surprised, or if they already suspected it given the lack of respect for myself. I'm really unsure of what to do at all. I stay strong during the day and hide my pain from everyone, but at night, alone, I feel gross and unwanted. What do I do? Please reply because I want to live. I want to live a full life and I want to feel loved and respected. I just don't know how to yet. Thank you for reading this. What you're doing here is a great organization. I just wish more people were educated about herpes. About how my private parts aren't covered with gross blemishes. How I look absolutely the same with no symptoms anymore - but I still have the disease. - Stephanie