miss_bee

Hey! I'm new here and I have been so encouraged by all of the awesome posts, information, and lifestyle advice that this site offers. I was hoping to find a space like this, and am so grateful that I have. I have some questions regarding a topic that seems to not have really been covered and it is weighing on my heart, so I have to have to courage to admit that I didn't do the right thing. Now I need some wisdom. I found out that I have GHSV1 about 9 months ago. For the most part, I have remained celibate since finding out, and am trying to work through all of the complications of my emotions about having H without adding a partner into the mix. Until a few weeks ago... Then I starting seeing a guy who I am interested in potentially moving forward with, and I tried very hard to wait to disclose until I felt that I could trust him enough to be open and honest. Then alcohol was involved and I ended up at his house. Not only did I not disclose to him that I pose a risk to his health, I also had sex with him without using a condom. After that point, I decided that I should not expect to go any further forward with him because it had gone too far in the wrong direction without honesty. I closed off the relationship and also closed myself off to the outside world. I know I did not handle the situation in the right way, I was dishonest with someone I liked, and I put someone else's health at risk. This guy is continuing to pursue me, and took me to dinner earlier this week. During which the topic of herpes got brought up, and not in a good way... He began to gossip about a girl in our small town who had herpes, went on to reveal all of the people she'd probably given it to already, and went on to state that if anyone ever gave it to him he would blah, blah, blah.... I stopped listening because I felt horrified, ashamed, and like I might just die right there at the table. How could I possibly be honest with him at this point, knowing that he feels as strongly and negatively as he does about a condition that I have no control over? (AND I'D ALREADY LIED TO HIM AND PUT HIM AT RISK). Since that day, I can't stop replaying the conversation over and over in my head. I am really trying to work through and understand my own integrity, my obligation to a person who I'm really unsure about now, and my position and reputation in a small community where my privacy would not be protected. All of that being said, I know what the right thing to do is for future interactions and disclosures. I know that I should have been honest in that moment, as awful and painful as it would have been. But I wasn't, and now I cannot bring myself to sit him down and tell him that there is a very very small chance that he could have it (I do take my suppressive drugs twice daily and have not had another outbreak since my primary one). I know exactly how he would react, and I know that his anger and resentment would send him in a fury, exposing me to anyone he could. I don't want to beat myself up anymore. Can I move forward without guilt and losing all sense of integrity? Because the risk is so low, isn't there a chance he'd never know anyways? I know that is not a noble way of looking at it, but don't I also have to protect myself and my own reputation and future? What if I make a commitment to myself (and to you all) to never engage in casual sex again without disclosing? Weighing the right and wrong seems subjective and there are many possible outcomes, I just really felt the need to put it out there to a group of people that I am confident will understand. Thank you for being here.