feeling_guilty

@nothinggoodgetsaway....yes, very well said! Thank you for all of your encouraging words! I had trouble opening that Amy Schumer link but I will definitely try again. I could use a good laugh; maybe that will snap me out of my depression. @WCSdancer2010....he did have a blood test but I'm unsure which antibodies they tested. I believe I read something about IgG and IgM and how one is elevated with initial infection and the other remains elevated with ongoing infection, or something along those lines. To my knowledge, he did not have a swab done. The blister-type thing he saw was near the head of his penis and none of the condoms ever broke. I'm not a betting woman, but I find it extremely unlikely that I am the one that gave him H. The risk of transmission from women to men with the use of condoms and suppressive therapy is around 1-2% (I believe) per something like 100 sexual encounters. I'd have to research my stats again but I do remember it being extremely low. As much as I want to tell him that I may NOT be the one that gave him this, I won't because he will not hear me anyway. He is too wrapped up in his emotions to be logical. Part of me thinks that if he believes he got H from someone in his past, he wouldn't be pushing me away and ignoring like he is doing. He has told me that he does not blame me and is not angry with me. But, if he isn't, why is he ignoring me? I know he needs his space to process his emotions but does that space need to include him pushing me away? All just rhetorical questions, of course...just some of my internal dialogue. I loved your analogies, by the way...they were fabulous!! I haven't had a chance yet to tell him about this website but I do intend to. I think it will really help him; I wish I had this resource when I was newly diagnosed. You all have been a tremendous support for me and I can not thank all of you enough!!

You are correct; I do not want to be with someone that does not handle things like this well. But, based on what I do know about him so far, I do not think he would ever throw it back in my face. And, I would hope that if he did, I would run the other way! I really do feel like he is in the anger stage of grief and is having a hard time processing what has happened. He told me that he does not blame me at all and that I did everything I needed to do to warn him. I don't know if he feels angry about having sex with me per se or the unprotected sex he had with several woman prior to me. I assumed he was angry about putting himself at risk with me since he likely got it from me. But, I do tend to over analyze things (I guess like all girls) and our last conversation was SO depressing. Believe me, if after he has had time to process his emotions, and begins to treat me poorly, or show anger towards me, I will not continue trying to be in a relationship with him. I do need to give him time though. Btw, he is 34. His symptoms started like a rash on the groin area then developed a blister on the shaft of his penis. No swollen lymph nodes or no flu-like symptoms. I think it definitely sounds like GH. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you have experienced with hsv. I'm sure having open sores in your mouth must have been excruciating :( . Just so you know, the fact that you have been listening to me and reaching out to offer advice means so much! I really appreciate that you have taken so much time to respond and help me through this!! You have been an angel!! xoxo

I am trying not to blame myself and the good news is that it seems like that feeling is going away (I think). But now, it's being replaced with the sadness that I feel for losing him. I finally talked to my boyfriend and he is NOT doing well. He is depressed and is angry with himself for having sex with me and putting himself at risk. He can't think about any relationships right now and can't imagine being intimate again. Intellectually I understand that but emotionally, I feel saddened and rejected by his feelings...how stupid is that?! He has a right to whatever emotions he feels and I shouldn't be hurt by any of that. But, knowing something intellectually is much different than knowing it emotionally. We have only been dating for a few months and we are still learning about one another. But, ever since I met him, I felt a special connection and knew that I wanted him in my future. I was the lucky one in our relationship. I just really can't believe this is happening :(. Maybe if this would have happened much later in our relationship when things were more solid and certain, things would be different now. All I know is that I am completely heartbroken because I want nothing more than to be with this man and for this not to have happened. But because it has, I feel like I've lost him and he'll never know how very, truly sorry I am. I really do not know if we will get past this. Based on how our conversation went, I'm not very hopeful. Knowing that I've hurt him is way more difficult to deal with than when I was first diagnosed. I reread my first post and had a chance to rethink my emotions. It was never anger that I felt with how he is dealing with things, it is just sadness and loss. I can't believe that I met such an amazing person, had so much excitement about our future, and now I feel so much pain. It's funny how your life can change in a second. No one needs to respond to this....I'm just ranting now because I have no one to talk to. I've never told anyone about my H, not even my family or my closest friends. I really need to talk to someone but am scared of revealing that part about myself. I thought that if I wrote out my feelings out in this kind of a forum, I'd feel better but.......didn't really work out that way. Guess time will heal this too and things will work out as they should. But, it really sucks going through this. :(

@2Legit2Quit Thank you so much for your input and support. I will let him know that I'll be here for him and tell him that he can talk to me when he's ready. The hardest thing is knowing that you've hurt someone else, albeit unintentionally, and it's something that lasts forever. I feel like my guilt will subside when he starts to accept this and we can get back to "normalcy" again....I hope that is the case. I will definitely refer him to this site because from what I've read, there are so many caring people on here. It is comforting to know that others are going through the same issues. Xoxo

First, I want to thank Adrial for accepting me into this community. I had no idea that these online support groups existed until just recently when I started looking for information on how to deal with giving my boyfriend H. I have been dating my boyfriend for about three months now. Before we became intimate, I told him that I've had H for 10 years. Although he said he didn't know much about it, that did not change his mind about wanting to be with me. He was very supportive and was not freaked out at all. He told me that it can happen to anyone, it could have just as easily happened to him, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. He still thought I was an amazing woman and he was constantly telling me how lucky he was to be with me. About a month into our relationship, I sent him links to resources so he could learn more about H and what his risks were. I even told him that after reading all of the information he should decide if he was willing to take that risk with me. About a week ago he developed pretty classic symptoms of GH and went to the doctor and is currently awaiting the official blood tests to result. I know I did the right thing by disclosing my status before we had sex but I can't help feeling overwhelming guilt for giving this to him. Although it has been a long time ago since my first outbreak, I know all of the emotions he is going through and feel as if I ruined his life because I am the one that gave it to him. I've had four sexual relationships since my diagnosis 10 years ago but this is the first time that I gave H to someone and I'm not sure how to deal with it. It's hard for me to grasp that this has happened because we have been so careful; he wears condoms every time we have sex and I take daily Valtrex. My last four boyfriends and even my ex of four years and I hardly ever used condoms, I have taken daily Valtrex for the last 9 years, and none of them have ever developed H. How could I have transmitted H to my current boyfriend when we've been so careful?! I logically understand that the virus can be transmitted despite the use of condoms and suppressive therapy. I just can't understand how it could have been transmitted so easily this time but I've never given it to anyone in my past when I haven't used condoms. My problem is that now my boyfriend is avoiding me. I know he feels dirty, ashamed, and disgusted with himself. I'm sure he is angry with me and with himself for taking the risk. I know that he probably just needs space to figure out his emotions and I have been giving him that. But I don't know how long I should give him. Not only do I feel incredibly guilty for giving him H, I feel completely rejected, and heartbroken because of him pushing me away. I don't know how I should feel or what I should say or do to make things better or to move forward in a relationship with him. It breaks my heart that I've hurt him and now my heart is breaking because I think I've lost him. I think the hardest part is when he started having questionable symptoms, we talked about it, and he told me that he would not be mad at me or take it out on me in any way. He knew what he was getting in to and he decided to continue a sexual relationship with me. But now that the reality of him actually having H has hit him, it seems that he feels differently. Now, I'm starting to feel anger for how he's dealing or not dealing with things and I don't know if that's appropriate. Can someone please help me to understand how I should feel, how much time/space I should give him, and how I should approach him? For someone that's been recently diagnosed, what kind of emotions did you go through? What would have helped you? I don't want him to feel alone and I want to be there for him; I just feel like he doesn't want me around now. And I know telling him that he will eventually accept this as apart of himself, love himself anyway, and it will become a small thing in his life won't help him. Thanks for any input.