LB12

@al: I'm sorry to hear that all of this has happened at once for you. Again, all I can say about the rejection is that it takes a lot of courage to even disclose and says a lot about who you are as a person. Additionally, those women obviously either weren't into you enough (which sucks to hear, but do you really want to be with someone who's not into you 100%?) or it's a limitation in them. And I honestly believe that. Because I think that anyone who does the research and thinks about the impacts of H and still chooses to reject a great person is afraid of the stigma, not the actual virus itself. Stigma makes me so angry! But we want to be with open-minded people, not those who will run at the smallest sign of illness-what else are they not going to be there for in life if they can't accept something this small? I would recommend looking up Ella Dawson, who has written prolifically about H. She also has an hour long interview with Adrial, which I really enjoyed and the last fifteen minutes were incredibly inspiring and hopeful. Additionally, a book that I have read and implemented in my life is titled "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff. I recommend it to almost everyone I know-it's really helped me not beat up on myself and has increased my self-confidence and self-worth. And if you really need to talk to someone and don't have anyone in your life that you can trust, you can always see a counsellor-make sure to see someone who does not stigmatize H because that would just make it worse. Not all counsellors/therapists are good, so it's important to find a compassionate, open-minded one. Keep reaching out for support on here!!

@2Legit2Quit: Thanks so much for your encouraging words! I've been remembering them throughout the day today whenever I started to feel down. I especially like these lines, "Fuck him and FUCK the high horse he rode in on" and "Girl, he is going to put someone else through a whole host of other bullshit you don't want." I just have to keep repeating this stuff in my head! I know this intellectually, but of course, I miss the things about him that I liked. Your response helped me feel like I did make the right decision at not giving him more time to think about it (and do the "rejecting"). I am learning to trust my gut and my gut was saying, this isn't okay, and you don't deserve to have someone make you feel this way. I'm just scared now about being rejected every time I tell someone! Please tell me this isn't going to happen! That would be kind of devastating and might make me lose some faith in humanity. And I don't want to have to "settle" for someone just because I have H. And I won't. I'd rather be single than be unhappy with someone I don't really love and respect.

I've known I have the HSV-2 virus for about 3.5 years. I contracted it from my first sexual partner; he showed symptoms, which prompted me to get a blood test. He had been tested before we had sex, but now I know that herpes is not included in a regular STI screening. I already knew I had type 1 because I've had cold sores since I was a child. I've never showed any symptoms, so the blood test is the only reason I know I carry the virus. Anyway, that relationship ended in September 2015. Although it was a bit scary to get out there again, I disclosed to someone in November and he responded very positively. However, for other reasons I ended the relationship because we were not a good fit in a number of ways. I met someone in mid-December and we started talking almost everyday. I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship with him, although I liked a lot of things about him. Last week I started to have feelings for him, and we kissed this previous weekend. Then, I invited him over for dinner during the week and I planned to tell him then, as it would have been our fourth date. It seemed like we were great for each other. We could talk on the phone each night and it was fun. We both like the outdoors and for our third date, went XC skiing. I felt comfortable with him and he expressed that I was amazing. He even told his mom that there was something special about me. Fast forward to after dinner. We had had a great time. Laughing, talking, listening to music. We were standing in the kitchen making out, but nothing too crazy. I stopped and said, let's go to my bedroom. As he sat down on my bed, I said to him: "there's something I need to tell you and it involves my sexual history. I contracted herpes from my ex, and he was the first person I was with. I know lots of information about it so if you have any questions, I can answer them." I didn't cry, I didn't get hysterical. Obviously I sounded serious, but I told him that I don't show symptoms, that it's a low risk, that it's fairly preventable with condoms. As I talked though, I could sense him pulling away emotionally. It was almost like internally he went "Ohhhh." He said to me, "I didn't even know you had it." Being the sort of sarcastic person I am, I said, "well, it's not like I have it stamped on my forehead." I think his reaction sort of spoke to the idea out there that you can tell by looking at someone if they have an STI. I said to him, "You could even have it, as it's not included in a regular screening." He said, "No, I don't have it. I've specifically asked for that on my STI test." You know what? Good for him for knowing that. But it was kind of said in a way that was a bit self-righteous. He started saying, "you're a really great girl" and patting me on the knee, even though a minute before he was all over me. He said he needed to think about it and that he's not great at responding to shocking news like this. I said he could have some time to think about it and I was trying to be understanding, but inside, I don't think I was understanding. I wanted the same reaction from him that I got from the first guy. Anyways, when he got home, I started sending him all these resources and he said he had read them and it put his mind at ease, but he still had to think about it. And he basically stopped communicating with me in the way that he had the past few weeks. I went to bed feeling sick about it; I called a few of my friends and they were shocked by his reaction, based on how common they know it is in the population. They told me that it was about him and that he had these prejudices about herpes that he was not willing to challenge. I woke up throughout the night constructing what I would say if he told me he wasn't comfortable dating me anymore. And I started to think, "Why does he get all the power in this situation? Maybe it's a deal breaker for me that he responded so poorly." I started to feel unattracted to him as I thought about the look he had as he sat across from me when I told him. I think it's because that's the first time I had felt shame when telling someone. I had told about 12 people, including family members, friends, and partners, and none of them had me feeling this kind of effect. The next day, I decided to send him a message first. I was pretty straight forward, telling him that I was looking for someone who was mature enough to handle this kind of information and who thinks I'm so amazing that the small risk is worth it. I told him that I am looking for someone who challenges their biases and assumptions, and who is confident enough in themselves that they're okay with risking the possibility of contracting herpes. He responded saying that he's sorry it's a "stipulation" for him and that he's sorry he caused me grief about it. So, a fairly diplomatic response, but I still cried after I read it. I think I would have let him think about it if he had responded by saying, "I don't know much about it and I want to read more and think about it-you're definitely worth looking into it more. But let's cuddle or continue to make-out and I want to continue talking to you." But he physically and emotionally withdrew from me, and that's not okay-it showed he was afraid. I had vowed to stop dating guys who make me feel that shitty early on in dating. I know I'm "supposed" to be understanding when people aren't comfortable with it, but I'm not. I think it's wrong that people are discriminated based on this; this is the first time I've had to be openly discriminated against and face prejudice. I know I'm a white, middle-class woman, so I don't have to face daily, blatant discrimination, but my first experience with it has been horrible. I feel this sense of injustice and I'm really angry about it. I want to change his mind. I guess this is probably how people feel when others are racist and they're treated badly because of it--they want to change other people's minds and make them less racist. Because to someone like me, who works to be accepting of people and non-judgmental, it's very difficult for me to understand how he could meet someone like me and connect so well on so many levels, and then give it all up because of this minor thing. Based on my current level of 0% outbreaks, the only thing we would have to do is use condoms! It's not like we would even have to take breaks from sex because I am having an outbreak. It's just extremely frustrating and although I spent yesterday and today reading articles on STI stigma and people's experiences with disclosing (mostly positive), I still have moments where I want to burst into tears. This one girl who has a video on Upworthy (it's amazing, by the way) called herpes her "douchebag detector." And while I totally agree with this, it's still hard to accept that he's probably going to be a great boyfriend to someone else, and I just get to miss out on that because I happened to contract herpes? This makes me want to be a greater advocate against stigma, to be more open about it with people and educate them, so others don't have to experience the small-mindedness of potential partners. I guess I'm just looking for people who've got my back in this situation and who can see where I'm coming from.