H_confident

@Sil88 We have been on 13 dates. Know each other now for like 6 weeks. It has been fun. She got tested and turns out she has HSV1. We pretty much feel free to do everything we like sexually. With condom. Oral we do without condoms. We talked about her HSV1 status. My issues are more related to being rejected in general in relationships instead of having a positive H-status. The general relationship issues I have are when I try to be the perfect BF. Why I mention this, is because this all relates to matters of self worth and insecurities in general. And these matters are important when it comes to working on my H-confidence. But thats for a different forum ;-)

Just an update. We have been on 13 dates. Know each other now for like 6 weeks. It has been fun. She got tested and turns out she has HSV1. We pretty much feel free to do everything we like sexually. With condom. Oral we do without condoms. We talked about her HSV1 status. My issues are more related to being rejected in general in relationships instead of having a positive H-status. The general relationship issues I have are when I try to be the perfect BF. Why I mention this, is because this all relates to matters of self worth and insecurities in general. And these matters are important when it comes to working on my H-confidence. But thats for a different forum ;-)

@wcsDancer thank you and a good suggestion.

My stats: I am a guy 50 years old. I have was diagnosed 1 year ago with HSV2 I recently started dating again and met a cutie through online dating. I disclosed my status with this date on our 3rd date, we had sex on this date, so obviously no rejection. Per suggestion of @WCSDancer2010 (thank you!), I had a second talk with my date, to check in on her thoughts and feelings after my disclosure talk. So 5 days after my disclosure talk. I brought up Herpes again. This was our 4th date. I was very tense again and did everything to keep my cool and not show fear. I spoke to her while walking on the street after dinner towards a concert venue we were about to visit. THE TALK I asked clearly: "do you have any questions since our last conversation?" "Did you speak to any friends?" She made clear she did some online research and said plainly: "I will never discuss this with friends" She followed promptly by saying : "you can get Herpes from giving a blowjob" I was a bit thrown back by this remark, because HSV2 does not transfer by receiving a BJ. (at least a very small risk %). So this is what happened and it taught me something important. MY RESPONSE I started to become a bit defensive by explaining that my information is different and that the risk is very very small. I mentioned that I have information if she wants to know more. This response created a strange vibe. I noticed her distancing. We entered the venue and ordered a drink. Like 30 minutes later I said the following: "I would like to get back to you about our conversation. I don't want you to do ANYTHING you feel UNCOMFORTABLE about it and I will RESPECT you for any decision you make herein. I want to make this absolutely clear to you". She smiled and said: "Thank you." This turned everything back to normal again. My lesson in this. We are still trying to get to know each other. So becoming defensive was my EGO trying to be right and trying to convince her of my thoughts. This to me, is NOT the right approach. Me telling her that I don't want her to do ANYTHING she feels UNCOMFORTABLE about and that I will always RESPECT her for any decision herein, simply comforts her in her feelings of uncertainty and her fear of getting it. I basically created a feeling of safety for her that I will be there for her and support her. I will stay focussed on the fact that she is the one still trying to get grips on this all. I have had a full year to process all this. I stopped talking about it and realized. She is willing and accepts me with this, but obviously needs her time to process and find her own comfort zone (which is not mine). I have to try not to push anything or rush things. We can get naked and that BJ can wait.... Today we have our 5th date.

@elise1977 wise words, thank you, I will definitely take your suggestions.

@2ligit2quit where can i find that sheet. @WCSDancer2010 thank you! I already see some helpful new information (I am a shaver...).

Thank you all for your comments. Update #1 I have a fourth date this week. We will go out for dinner and see a music performance. Should I just let it be for now? I mean if she wants to talk she can bring it up, right? These feelings show I am still uncomfortable and still fearful for rejection. On the other hand: we have another date. Any possible future rejection is because we are not a match. That is not related to my status. That is life too. ;-)

I would like to share you my story step for step of my disclosure experience last night on a date. Maybe this is helpful. A year ago I have been diagnosed with HSV2. Kind of by accident when my doctor suggested to run the test due to my promiscuous past. My symptoms are kind of very mild. I think it is with a pimple that looks like an ingrown hair follicle or an itchy skin around my groin. I am single at the moment and recently started dating via the dating site OK-Cupid I have decided that whenever intimacy (sex) would be a real possibility, I would disclose my status prior to having sex. So yesterday I had a third date with this very cute girl, I connected well with so far. The second date, we were kissing a bit, which gave me the idea that most likely we would hit it off on the third date. I decided that my disclosure talk would be on this next third date. The information and video's provided on this site, were VERY helpful to simply get the facts and create some courage. Dating site OK-Cupid works with questions and one of the sex questions is: "would you date someone who has genital herpes?". My date had answered this question with "NO". Needless to say that this made matters even more tense for me. BUt i knew that what people disclose on a dating site is often the perfect match. Who is perfect? I admit I ran this talk in my head over and over again and wanted her pretty badly to accept me. But had some sense of peace and acceptance that a rejection will not kill me, nor bring me down. I am worthy and trust me it took me some time to fully believe in this. I decided to do one thing. Not fantasize about being rejected. I decided to come from a place of caring, vulnerability and security. We went out to dinner first, but I couldn't start the herpes talk over food. It just seemed to me distasteful to talk about symptoms while eating! lol. So I waited for a better moment. We were in a bar with live music and there was time to talk in all seriousness. I knew I had to prevent to wait until I am naked with her! That would have been very unfair to do. 1. THE LEAD I started talking about my pretty wild past of partying and promiscuity. I talked about that I have done things that I am not always proud of. That I hope she would not judge me on this. I also said very clearly that I have decided to come from a place of honesty when dating this time. That to me, this is a cornerstone of a relationship. Sharing in all honesty is extremely important to me. She agreed to all of this. 2. SHOWING SELF WORTH It let me to the next chapter, when I talked about that I am a wonderful guy, a good partner and worthy of everything. It sounds exaggerated and overdone, but these words gave me power to move on. She asked "how do you know that?" and I answered "Because I am". So basically I showed that I am happy with myself and who I am. I followed with saying. I am a package with cons and pro's and although we will in the beginning want to emphasize on all the pro's, after a few months we will get to know each other more and more and see some flaws, compared to how we presented ourselves in the beginning. That this to me, is all fine and all good. 3. DISCLOSING HERPES Than the big words. I continued saying: So in the beginning I believe it is important to give you the power of choice for matters that might be very important to you. I have genital herpes. I am not happy I have this, but it is what it is. And I respect you so much, that I want to give you prior to getting intimate the choice to decide if you are okay with this. I continued saying that I could not imagine a good relationship, where I would brake this news later, making the choice for her by hiding it in secrecy. 4. HER REACTION Her reaction was of surprise and yes disappointment. She answered: "that is a lot to take in....". Silence for a short moment. I took the lead and asked: what do you know about herpes? her answer was "nothing". I asked: "are you okay if I give you some statistics?" She answered "yes please" So I explained how 20% of people carry this virus. How 80% don't even know they have it. How in all seriousness, it is safer to have sex with me by taking the right precautionary actions than to randomly have sex with a date without knowing the facts. I told her that I think I know when I shed or when I have a symptom. That I will always use a condom with her or simply abstain when I think I have symptoms. She asked me some questions and I expressed very clearly that if she feels it is too difficult for to continue dating, I would always respect that decision and not think bad of her in any way. that was the end of it. 5. THE AWKWARD MOMENT OF PROCESSING Than this awkward moment was there. I didn't touch her anymore for I didn't know if she was rejecting me or not. I simply gave her time to process it all and not force myself upon her in my insecurity. I just sat with these insecure feelings and kept them with me. Reacting on them by forcing off a hug or a kiss would be selfish, for it would be motivated by my own insecurity. I saw that what I did was basically reset the date. So what I would do in the beginning of the date when it comes to physical connection, I had to do again. Slowly touching her arm or leg. Slowly checking if this was accepted or gave rise to her discomfort. Slowly searching for physical acceptance. When she held my hand I knew she was okay with my physical presence. I was so relieved! 6. HER DECISION We had a nice night and she invited me to her place and after kissing and touching on the couch we went to the bedroom. She kind of ignored my genitals and I accepted that. We had sex with condom and I was sure to not touch her vagina with my penis without any protection. Not because i thought that might be unsafe but because she might still feel insecure about the situation. In the morning I thanked her for her understanding and she thanked me for my bold honesty. We had breakfast together and I left without trying to again confirm acceptation from her. I let it all go. Whatever will occur, shall occur, will happen and must happen, that is my credo. Thank you for reading