AussieBattler

First time ever posting on here, but have been a long time reader. Struggling to type this through the tears in my eyes. I found out I have HSV2 about 4 years ago, and it has taken me an INCREDIBLY long time to come to terms with it. I'm finally at a place where I feel like I've accepted my actions and the mistakes I made that led me to where I am today, but I can't deal with this anymore. I've accepted my diagnosis, and tell myself that its just a virus, it won't kill me or anyone else, but I can't bear to have to tell someone else. I have the most amazingly supportive family, but I still feel so alone and like they just tell me what they think I want to hear. I've tried absolutely everything, am currently on once a day Valtrex, avoid caffiene and chocolate, and have tried over the years cutting out other foods like wheat and nuts. But I still get painful outbreaks. I'm still disgusted with myself. If I could just control it I might feel better. But despite all my efforts and acceptance it still this long after makes me feel worthless and ashamed and alone. Even before my diagnosis I was never one to dive into relationships head first, or wear my heart on sleeve. I always tried to act the strong independant woman I thought I was, and for someone reason struggle to start relationships because Im scared of something but I dont know what. And now I feel like Ill never be able to have a relationship. The constant pain and discomfort is just a constant reminder of barriers I dont need. I dont want to go into details about my symptoms but sometimes I dont notice them, and sometimes it feels like I get a days respite but then they are there again for weeks or months (similar to others Ive read about like anal fissures I think). I'm not under a huge amount of stress at the moment but constantly feel incomponent and in an endless cycle. I'm sorry for the sob story, but I really just am at my wits end and wish I could control the symptoms forever.... physically and emotionally.