fallentitan

I will admit that the first few times I read your reply, I had a hard time accepting your positive messages. But I didn't want to leave it at that, and though it took some time and filling several pages in my journal, I did it. :) I mention it because I'm trying to be proud of myself. I often turn to my journal when I am too steeped in depression, but I am not always able to turn my thoughts around. Even better, I'm learning how to see that having herpes really can be a positive opportunity...especially for someone like me who has always been too able to quietly accept less than I deserve. I even came to an interesting conclusion that very nearly had me laughing out loud. At the beginning of my story I mentioned a messy breakup from an unhealthy relationship. Without going into excruciating detail, the man I was with was ultimately unable to give me the opportunity to learn about what I want and what makes me happy, which in turn would give me the opportunity for greater self-acceptance and self-love. Herpes on the other hand, is totally giving me that opportunity when without it I might be wasting my time pursuing things I don't really want, as per usual. Long story short? Being single with a sexually-transmitted disease can definitely be more fulfilling than being in a "clean" relationship! HA! :p As a final note, I will say that your first paragraph appears to be cut off at the end. Rest assured that I still gleaned plenty of love and support from what was there, but if you remember what you were going to say, I certainly wouldn't turn down something else I could learn from. Either way, thank you so much once again, much love your way. <3

Hi there all. I have lurked around here for a while now trying to educate myself, finally mustered the courage to have my voice heard. First thanks for being here and thanks in advance to whoever reads/comments... I contracted herpes last November. Earlier that year I had brought an unhealthy four-year relationship to a very messy and painful end. It took me several months to get my life back in working order, and that was even before I got to deal with the emotional shitstorm inside that I had placed on hold so I could focus on survival. Finding the man who ended up being my gifter seemed like a godsend. He showed up unexpectedly on a night that I needed some magic, and I bought into the "magic" of it all hardcore. He told me right away that soon he'd be going to another country to visit family and would be gone for four months. I didn't care - I wanted to enjoy my time with him. He was pretty, and smart, and played guitar. I waited a "respectable" amount of time before I gave myself to him, and before things started getting dicey he was gone. A couple weeks passed and I felt fine. An old friend came back to town and we ended up hooking up. A few days later he texted me to ask me if I had herpes, just as I was getting symptoms I was sure were indicative of a uti. He told me he had symptoms that raised immediate alarm with him, and that it couldn't have been from anyone but me. It all spiraled down from there. I will say that this friend of mine was so gracious and understanding in finding this out with me. He got tested and had his results all while my symptoms were still showing up, while I put myself in denial until the outbreak got so bad I ended up in the hospital (where the doctors STILL couldn't tell me what was wrong). In the third week of unbearable suffering I finally went back to the gp I went to for the "uti" and told him I thought it was herpes. He seemed even more uncomfortable than me about it and it made the shame so much worse. I got a prescription for antivirals and a test and left as quickly as possible. The antivirals worked right away, but I lost the test and was too embarrassed to ever go back. In my mind it didn't matter, still doesn't. I have genital herpes - 1 or 2, the number of antibodies in my system, doesn't make a difference. I'll be honest, despite trying to accept this I am not doing a very good job. The past five months have been an exercise in watching how far my self-esteem can descend and how much of my life it can take with it. I know that herpes doesn't change who you are and it is only the stigma that makes you feel this way, but I have struggled with low self-esteem and worthlessness my whole life and this was a blow I couldn't stand up to. I am very shy and don't really have friends to turn to. I am too scared to tell my family or my coworkers who act as my second family. I am sick of feeling so bad but I don't know how to change. I am hoping that with time things will get better. I don't know what else I can do. Sorry it's so long, thanks for reading...