FlawsAndAll

@WCSDancer2010 I agree with you! I think that proper education on this is so important. I didn't even know that cold sores were herpes until a few years ago., also, I am 25 and have a a lot of sex. I had my sexual debut at a pretty young age and have had quite a few sex partners.. most of those either casual, friends with benefits or one night stands. I've only had four actual boyfriends.. Anyways.. There's been a lot of unprotected sex in the past, so this time, since we were using condoms..I felt more than safe. Herpes was literally not on my radar at all. Maybe if I'd known how common it is and how easily it's transmitted..I would have been more careful.. also, I had no idea about viral shedding and thought I'd have to be in contact with fluid from an actual lesion to catch it. In this day and age, people have become more obsessed with acheiving perfection than ever before.. Social media has really created a platform for people to custom make their image and compete with each other for popularity and attention. Society's standards are just so unachievable today, that a herpes diagnosis could lead to serious depression or even worse. It gets in the way of acheiving perfection and because people identify so strongly with their bodies and body image/sexuality, they will inevitably feel like they are losing themselves, or a part of themselves that they can never get back. This is my biggest worry, as I can see how it has seriously impacted myself. I've had brief moments of wanting to end my life since I was diagnosed.. But I have amazing people around me and an abundance of love and support, so I understand that herpes does not define who I am.. And ultimately it has been a wale up call, because I was getting sucked into society's hypnotism as well.. If I hadn't, maybe I wouldn't have been so hurt by getting herpes.

@Bambina3 Yes, it's a relentless little sucker! With that said, I'm almost sure he was having an outbreak.. Or maybe the beginning or the end of one..I didn't see anything, but I was drunk and my mind was in sexland (in lack of a better expression) plus, I wouldn't have known what to look for, and outbreaks can be close to invisable. @MMissouri Thank you! I am super relieved and thankful! I had prepared myself for the worst, which was really surreal on top of everything else..

Just to let everyone who's followed this thread know, I came back from the doctor today with an HIV negative test! :)

@hippyherpy Yes "Janteloven" certainly has had it's impact on our culture. Plus, Danish women are very independent and many of us are way beyond our years. I remember my American boy used to tell me that I seem like someone who has "lived a lot in a short period of time." And you know what's crazy? I just received an fb message from him an hour ago, shortly after I'd replied to your last post. I haven't talked to him in so long, it makes you wonder how powerful our thoughts might really be. But yes, the poor danish fellas have a lot of pressure put on them these days. A lot of them have truly forgotten their viking heritage and have become "toeffel helte", which translates as "slipper heroes" and basically means being pussy whipped lol. I by the way, I've read some of your older posts, and it seems that you initially were debating whether or not disclosure is necessary in a casual sex/one night stand scenario.. But from your more recent posts it seems like you've found a good rythm? I obviously don't have any experience to draw from yet.. Except for the guys I've told, who were fine with it.. But sex also hasn't been a possibility since they both live across the Atlantic, plus.. I am not even thinking about sex until I'm more emotionally stable and have regained control over my body, but.. I think that if you find yourself trying to debate whether it should be disclosed or not..you already know that you'd feel bad if you didn't. But we'll see how I will be navigating this in the future.. One thing I do know is that I will abstain from sex until I have reached acceptance and made peace with it, so I try not to worry too much about the future and just allow myself to grieve.

@hippyherpy I fell in love with an "American boy" at 16. He was a bit older than me and he just took my breath away. My infatuation with him has left a lasting impression on me for many reasons. For instance, he gave me my first orgasm - that's something a girl never forgets, lol. Since then, I have dated both Danes and Americans.. And there's just a difference in mentality that I think is very obvious. For one, Danish people are extremely anti social and shy when not under the influence of alchohol (myself included). Also, Danish men are just (-and I hate to generalize, but I'm speaking from experience) a bit boring.. And not JUST in bed! With all of that said, having recently acquired herpes (and anxiously waiting to get my HIV test results back on monday) I know that I will now start to look more closely at people's spiritual assets and their qualities as beings, as opposed to fixate on superficial preferances..so who knows.. Maybe I will end up with a red headed danish viking in the end. :)

@Sadpanda It is just so tragicomically ironic how we judge others because we've never been in their shoes, and when karma inevitably catches up with us (always when least expected of course), we realize what an insensitive, ignorant asshole we've been. My best friend is such a beautiful person and I love and respect her so much more, for not only having overcome the horrible experience of getting herpes, but also for forgiving me AND standing by me through my struggle. She actually genuinly does not find the irony funny, or hit me with "karma is a bitch huh?" -which she could have easily done, and it would have actually been somewhat called for. I found it really hard to believe the statistics at first. I thought: "there is no way in hell that THAT many people have genital herpes..I only know 1 other person who has it, so it simply can't be right!" But after I started opening up to some friends and family, I realized the statistics might actually not be way off. Actually, I found out that even my own dad has it.. And has had it for 30 years. He's been extremely lucky though, as he only get's an outbreak every 4 or 5 years.. I guess I wasn't lucky enough to inherit his level of immunity :( But it helps to open up and talk about it. Most people are far from as scared and ignorant as I used to be when it comes to herpes. People generally get scared of what they don't know or don't understand. That's why this website is so awesome and I really want to do my part in educating people by first and foremost being open and honest about it. I haven't had sex since I was diagnosed, but I also don't feel like I'm ready yet emotionally. I have disclosed to a couple of guys that I talk to online (I live in Denmark but I have a thing for american men and secretly dream of getting married to one, one day lol), and both of the guys I told, were so chill about it. One of them told me he's dated a girl with herpes before and that it really wasn't a big deal at all. Then he went on to say: "You are such a beautiful woman and you will get married and have lots of babies..hell, I'd feel priviledged to knock you up!" The other guy was really sweet too. I told him I felt like a virgin again because I feel so anxious about having sex again after I've gotten herpes. His response: "I'll gladly take your virginity!" My best friend also never had a problem..she's had both casual sex partners and boyfriends since her diagnosis, and she has never been rejected because of it. Also, most of the sex she's had, has been unprotected.. And she never passed it on! she did catch it orally from one of her ex boyfriends a few years ago, because he would get cold sores. But to her, there really isn't much of a difference between an oral and a genital outbreak..they're equally annoying and equally contagious.. But again.. It's all about what it means to you. Your own approach makes a world of difference and that's why the whole "herpes opportunity" is such a brilliant concept. @WCSDancer2010 Thank you! I'm not gonna lie.. it has been tough. I tried to keep my tough exterior up for as long as I could until I broke down in tears in front of both friends, family and co workers..multiple times. I've completely let out all the hurt and pain that's been built up for so many years, but I'm so happy that I did, because now me healing can begin. I know there will be more tears and that it's a process, but I've admitted to myself that I'm not completely ok yet and that it is fine. As one of my closest friends keep telling me: "everything is exactly as it's supposed to be" and of course it is.. Things rarely happen the way we expect them to, but as long as we look for opportunities instead of fixating on limitations.. We can turn any given situation into something constructive. ..And thank you for the tips and links.. I will look into it! And I will definetely stick around and help out in any way that I can :)

@BoatyMcBoatface The initial chock of my diagnosis hit me really hard and I didn't know much about herpes at the time, so I wasn't even sure it was from him. He had told me that all his life, he had always used condoms and that had made me feel even more safe. I didn't understand how I could have gotten it from someone I had used a condom with. Also, he let me go down on him (while the condom was off!) and so I thought to myself, that there was no way someone would allow that to happen, had they known they were contagious. But after about a month, I had gathered a lot of information about the virus and after having replayed every detail of that night in my head a thousand times, it was clear to me that it had come from him AND that he knew he had it.. There were certain signs I hadn't paid attention to in the heat of the moment, but now they were all written in big fat glowing neon letters. So yes, I finally texted him and asked. I had thought long and hard about how to go about it, and I chose the "grown up" approach, at first. I told him that we needed to discuss something and that it was important that we were open and honest with each other (this was all over text messages, as I couldn't just go knock on his door). I said I'd been diagnosed with HSV2 and that I knew it had come from him. I kept emphasizing that I wasn't mad at that it's the kind of thing that happens - no big deal. I felt differently on the inside, but I wanted him to be honest. He denied it at first and tried to act surprised. Then I admitted that he had experienced mild discomfort down there a few times in the past few months, but hadn't thought anything of it. I didn't believe him, but knew there was a chance he could be telling the truth, so I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and told him to see a doctor..and to let me know how it goes. I few weeks went by and I didn't hear from him, so I texted him again and asked if he had been to the doctor. He told me he didn't need to, since I had already pretty much diagnosed him, so he knew what he was dealing with. I knew then, that he was lying and that he had known all along. No one in their right mind (especially someone who claims to always use condoms in fear of catching an STI), would not go to the doctor if they knew something was wrong. He was acting so scetchy and I started to really freak out. After a lot of texting back and forth, and me insisting that I knew he had known about it the whole time, he finally gave in. He told me he was so sorry and that I was the sexiest woman he'd ever met, which had made it impossible for him to pass up the opportunity when it presented itself. I cried and cried.. And it is taking everything in me not to curse his ass out and damn him to an eternity in hell! My outbreaks are literally back to back and if I'm lucky I might have a 3 day break at the most. Between outbreaks I have nerve pain and burning in my thighs and butt all the time and I have tried everything to avoid having to take the medicine.. But in my case, I guess it's about the only option I have left. Last week I went back to the doctor to get a blood test to test for HIV. Although I don't think I'm hysterical by nature, this man's behavior is really scaring me and I can't help but wonder if he's hiding other things.. I have an oppointment at the doctor's office on monday to get my results and the wait is nerve wrecking.. @Sadpanda Thank you for sharing your story with me! My best friend has had herpes for 7 years and when she called me after she had found out, I wasn't very understanding. I actually remember feeling uneasy about sleeping next to her while she was having an outbreak because I was scared I might somehow catch it from her.. I was so insensitive and I feel horrible about it today.. Especially because she has been my rock through this.. She even cried on the phone the other day when I told her about my endless outbreaks and how I have finally reached my breaking point. I still firmly believe that there is a reason for this happening now, but staying positive is something I have to force myself to do. Ultimately, I think it is up to ourselves to choose how we let the experience affect us.. Either it will make you, or it will break you. I'm so happy that you have made it through and found peace. Be proud of yourself for that, because that takes so much strength and courage! God bless you :)

My story begins with a strange calling. for the past few years I have been traveling to different countries to celebrate the coming of the New Year. I would always travel with the same friend and we would have some amazing experiences together. This year, however, my friend wasn't able to go and I thought I'd have to stay home and find a less appealing alternative (I'm from Denmark by the way). But then, I realized that maybe this was my opportunity to travel alone for the first time and something told me, that this would also be a more spiritual journey into self discovery. I played with the idea for a few days, and I felt like I was seeing signs everywhere -The universe was telling me something. Even the destination was clear; Rome, Italy. Although I had decided that this pilgrimage would be a journey with no expectations, I had great hopes of returning as an "awakened" woman. My New Years Eve was spent, walking around the streets of Rome, watching the fireworks light up the sky, enjoying the aliveness around me, unconciously searching for truth and supressing the feeling of lonelyness. I woke up in my hotel room the next morning, anxious to experience my spiritual awakening. Was it happening or had it happened? Surely I would know it if it had..or would I? It was my last day in Rome and I wondered what I was missing. A part of me wanted to let go and just let the universe guide me, and a part of me felt like I had to take action somehow. As I walked around the room restless, I decided to go online and see if I could find some people in the area who might be able to show me this magical city from a local's point of view. I talked to a guy on the badoo app (long live modern technology) and, against my better judgement, I decided to meet up with him. We drove around the city in his car and although I knew it was risky, given the fact that I was alone in a foreign country with a complete stranger and no cell phone service, I had decided to let my instincts lead me towards my calling. He showed me the Vatican and the spanish steps. Then we went to sit by the Trevi fountain. He had brought champagne and as we sat there and talked about the meaning of life, I felt like our souls connected. He was a "live in the moment" kind of guy, and as I became more intoxicated, he became more handsome. I knew this wasn't a "by chance" kind of thing. This night was supposed to happen and I was supposed to just go with it. It felt right. As we drove back to the hotel, we both knew what was going to happen. It didn't even need to be said and less than 15 minutes after we entered my room, we were both naked on the bed. We had sex four times that night, using protection of course and I was too tipsy and aroused to notice the frantic look in his eyes when the condom had slid off, just a tiny bit.. Or question his weird request for us to spoon in reverse (his back against my chest) before we went to sleep. I came home from my trip the next day, still feeling an awful lot like myself. A bit disappointing, as I had hoped to be transformed, which was the whole purpose of my Roman adventure. Little did I know that only a week later, my transformation would manifest in a way I could have never foreseen.. So here I am. It's been four months of frequent outbreaks, constant nerve pain and countless sleepless nights. Herpes has forced my inner demons to surface and I am forced to face them now or die completely inside. Every painful experience from my past has been restimulated by this experience, and now I see all the trauma I have supressed for so many years. I can't hide from myself anymore and THAT is more scary than anything. I believe that my true spiritual journey has finally begun, and as painful as it is right now, there is life inside me still, and although I'm not amused by the sarcastic humor of the universe, I hope that one day I can look back at this experience with a smile on my face and say "I did it!"