help_account

I don't have much energy, I almost never do. I'm simply broken, unrepairable. Here is how I broke. I never slept around, never was particularly stupid about sex either. Just got lied to, and unlucky. Maybe I just trusted to much in human beings. I've been so depressed my entire life has turned into a fog. I was either 18-(early)19 when this happened. I wasn't in a good head space, I was lonely. I had gotten out of high school and didn't have much going on in my life. I was never the type to aggressively go about looking for a relationship, always figured I would keep trying to be better and eventually someone would come my way that liked me for me. Well one day this girl messages me. Lets call her A, A and me go on a date all is going well. Things up going very well, or so it seemed. At the end of the date things end with sexual intercourse. Afterwards she rolls, over and tells me "I'm a good fuck, but I'm in a relationship" I hadn't been informed of this prior to sex, and I did make it clear I wasn't interested in hook ups. I already felt lied too, and cheated. Then 3 days later, I find out she lied to me about her age. I wasn't even aware of the potential herpes at this point, that age part was enough to send me into a destructive tailspin. I ended up getting suicidal and being hospitalized. The hospital treated me like an animal. I was sleeping on the cold floor without a bed because the were so under funded. I only really got interaction with the security guards, very friendly guys. Doctors spent less then 10 minutes with me. I wasn't even given warm clothing so I ended up freezing in the 65 degree temp most of the time. I got out and tried to start putting my life back together, however. I had lost the ability to trust doctors, even to this day I haven't been able to even see a shrink, dentist, or regular doctor. This is why I don't know I have herpes just suspect. Fast foward, fall of this year. All I have been doing is sleeping 12 hours a day for the past year. I get up and my house for an hour, and I try to wash myself at least once every 4 days. I know, I need to bath more. Life is just so hard right now. When your depressed heigein is one of the first things to go. I want to get better, but don't know how. I can't even stomick walking by the offices of doctors, never mind going in them. I need somewhere I can talk, somewhere I can sort through this. Somewhere that won't call the cops on me for feeling extremely suicidal. I'm hoping it's here, on these forums. I want to get better, I'm just emotionally crippled and incredibly skeptical of everything.