I found out I had herpes about 4 months ago because of an outbreak and initial weird feeling after the sex with that random stranger that drunken night...(Which will never happen again obviously). Since then, I've had outbreaks every month the week before my period and every single time it sends me into a downward spiral of depression. I already suffer from clinical depression and have been on medication but am not on any currently because I felt like I stopped needing it. That is until this ordeal happened, now I cant stop thinking about how I wont be able to do certain things that I love like hiking and camping and living with no worries about wether or not my vaginal is going to turn on me. I gave it to my boyfriend at the time, who is currently still a very close friend of mine. He's not good with emotions at all and that's why we broke up. After two years of having an argument every single time I wanted to have a simple conversation about my feelings, I finally couldn't do it anymore. I still try to go to him about my emotions because I have absolutely no one to talk to but every time-like clockwork- He reacts negatively and portrays his negative emotions associated with the fact that I'm feeling down right back on to me. This fucking kills me every time. Sends me further into a downward spiral, in fact it just happened now because I came to him about how sad the reoccurrence of this every month makes me. I just need someone, anyone, a friend to talk to, to tell me it's going to be okay. To tell me to not give up on pursuing what I want to be- a Wildlife Biologist- just because I'm scared about having to be in remote areas of the world with this disease and the anxiety that comes with it. I find myself resorting to quitting school or even many thoughts of suicide when I think about the pain I have to go through every month and the fact I'm stuck with this for life for a decision that was completely my fault. I hate myself for giving myself this disease and I hate myself for going to him when I know he is unable to make me feel better. I'm not okay at all.
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