Tiredofshame

@hikingGirl- thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your situation definitely resonates similarities...i blamed myself for contracting herpes, that it was a punishment. That was the only explanation I could conclude after suffering through the 20 years before leaving. I was suppose to be finally living and eventually finding a partner that would love and value me that I could share the rest of my life with...then BOOM. I, irrationally felt/feel that no one is going to love me because of this. I, too, entered a dark time of my life. I feel a comfort with knowing that you too experienced a very similar experience of diagnosis (age and situation). Validation from other people is one of my downfalls and I have recognized that for years. I struggle with it but it is so deep rooted. I am not ready or even able to "break up" with him. Our situation is fairly complicated, I won't bore you with those details. I have allowed a lot of poor choices and actions on his part because I was scared I wouldn't find anyone else to love me or give me a chance. Sounds so icky as I type it...lol. Withdrawing sex though, may be the deal breaker for me...I find myself slipping back into a very dark spot because he is confirming the terrible things I feel about my body. I know that I need to heal myself and he is only adding poison at this point. Thank you again!!! Please enjoy your journey and take care.

@optimist ... Thank you so much... That was the perspective/permission I needed

Thank you @optimist for your response. I will defintitely check out the previous entries about shame. It has been a huge barrier to my emotional healing around all this. I do not "blame" him for his fears and I believe that he is still as "into" me as he was and he tells me that he still loves me and wants to only be with me. That he is just scared to death of getting it. I just feel duped that he took his acceptance off the table after I invested so much (does that make sense?). He is still getting his satisfaction and cannot seem to understand that I need the same. It very likely may end up being a deal breaker for me, although i feel selfish saying that sex is that important to me. double ug....

New here and need a new perspective or something.... my backstory: After 20 years in a terrible loveless verging on abusive marriage, I mustered up the courage to leave. I quickly entered a couple groovy "friends with benefits" relationships which woke up passion inside me that I didn't even know existed. Then I met HIM...the one who awoke EVERY passion I had, emotionally, physically and sexually. The fireworks soon faded when I suddenly got very sick...high fever which caused me to pass out on the side of highway (pulled and got out of the car to get air) and ended up with road rash over my face and a concussion. I thought that was the end of it...then found the sores which ended up being herpes. I immediately broke up with fireworks man because I felt such incredible shame and betrayal. After a period of "mourning" and self-loathing, I met another incredible man. We got along wonderfully until "the talk". He couldn't handle the risk so ta-da..enter self-loathing and the feeling I was broken...a toxic wasteland. A few weeks later, I met another man that I didn't particularly click with but I was desperate for acceptance. We started dating and eventually got serious. I disclosed to him and he didn't think twice. We were careful and I faithfully took my medication. Soon, he decided that he didn't want to use condoms anymore. Everything was going good until a year and half into it all. Every once in a while he would ask if I was still taking my meds and such but didn't express any other concerns. About a month ago, a year and half into the relationship and a month after he moved in, he informed me that he couldn't have sex anymore with me. That he had been thinking about it for a while and that he couldn't "play with fire" anymore. He expressed that I could still orally pleasure him and he would manually pleasure me but that would be the extent of it. Needless to say, the me pleasuring him happens but I am left alone to take care of myself. I feel like I have been diagnosed all over again. Those initial feelings we have all felt upon hearing those words came rushing back and this time I don't seem to be able to let them go. The feelings are getting worse and worse. I feel a growing resentment towards him and towards my body. I live in a very small town and am a 46 year old woman....the thought of entering the dating field again scares me and I do love this man and want to build a life with him. I just can't imagine life without intimacy, passion and sex. Talking to him is like talking to a wall...he does not see that there is a second side to it. I am a professional woman, I use to teach sexual health to teachers, parents and youth. I am smart and know everything there needs to be known about STI's and herpes which adds to the shame. Ug.....