SnapperCreek

@HikingGirl Thanks! I'm really glad I found and joined this site. Tbh, I feel like I've come further in healing and education in the past few weeks from this site than I ever did trying to go it alone the last 3 years. Searching information can be overwhelming, with all the conflicting info it brings more questions with fewer answers. So I learned the basics and just kept to myself..I just shut it out, but it wasn't H I was avoiding, it was the fear of rejection. I had a lot of personal stuff to work on to distract myself. Recently I met someone that I hit it off so well with I was brave enough to disclose, which was my 1st, aside from my ex but I don't count that. It went well and he's so supportive, it changed my perspective. For me, and I'm sure plenty others, the most damaging effect of H has been the mental and emotional trauma, and the best way to work past that is through support from others going through the same thing. I still have a ways to go, but it's nice to know I don't have to go it alone!

So I'm new here, this is my first post so bare with me lol, just found this place and really enjoy seeing everyone sharing the good, bad and ugly side of life with H. I also enjoy the positive, supportive feedback..I hope that my sharing will help someone as so many of your stories have already helped me. Ok, so here's my story: 4 years ago I separated from my husband. He was a very selfish lover, and towards the end treated me as though my sole existence was to please him. I had gained weight and my lack of self confidence left me craving for some physical attention I had been missing for years. I ended up meeting a guy online, chatted a few weeks before finally meeting. It was strictly casual, as I was not looking to date or for a relationship, I just wanted some great sex with someone who enjoyed pleasing as much as I do...and that is exactly what he provided. The first time we had sex was amazing..he was everything I'd fantasized about. As time went on the sex got better, saw him more frequently..until a few months and a long story later he had moved in with me. Odd thing was, as comfortable as we were around each other, as passionate as our sex was..the feelings were still lacking, on both sides. A situationship made easy cuz of good chemistry I suppose. Thing is, I was pretty sure there was someone else he was dealing with, but I didn't want exclusivity. I was going thru one of the toughest times of my life and what I had with him was exactly what I'd hoped to find. We had our issues of course, one of which being my estranged husband intruding heavily in an effort to work things out with me. One day he used my phone to check facebook and forgot to log out..as soon as I opened my browser there they were, messages with several women. I don't advocate snooping, but if you're gonna leave something like that open..on my phone..I'm at least gonna give it a glance! A few days later I had an episode with my period that I'd never experienced, so I went to the Dr..only to find out he'd given me chlamydia. I ended it with him, and another long story later moved back with my husband, we are now divorced though, we tried to make it work for the kids. Moving back wasn't easy though, and a few months later I noticed a sore spot..I thought I'd cut myself while shaving, so I wasn't worried..until days passed and it got more painful. It just looked like a small cut, nothing scary, but I knew something wasn't right. Go back to the Dr..positive for genital hsv-1..I was devastated. Having good bedside manner, she was able to calm me down and educate me on my new life. My ex husband didn't care, it was a risk he was willing to take to be with me, even wanting to perform oral on me, but I couldn't get into it. I felt guilty because my feelings had changed and I didn't want him getting it in the event it didn't work out. Which unfortunately it didn't, but he never got anything from me, I'm at least glad about that, I wouldn't wish these feelings and anxiety on anyone. Since my first OB, 3.5 years ago, I've only had one other time about a year ago where I was afraid another OB was starting, but it stopped before I even went in to be seen. Anyway, so that's my long story lol, sorry, I don't talk about that with anyone..I'm still working on that. I have had a successful disclosure that I'll share on another post. I'm finally learning to live more confidently, instead of letting my H+ status literally control my life. I've been D for 2 years and for the most part have avoided intimacy, the idea of having to tell someone I like and hoping they stick around made me cry..literally. Eventually I realized avoiding people forever was neither realistic nor any way to enjoy life, so I got to educating myself and gaining inspiration from others sharing what they've been thru and how they feel. Hopefully I can do that for someone else one day :) Thanks for reading..nice to meet ya and have a great night!