newtothis

Well, like many of us, I was lucky enough to fall in love. And this was over the moon delight. We met during a month-long conference for an international program we both work for, and we seemed drawn to each other from the start. We kept finding each other in quiet moments and could not stop talking, looking, enjoying the excuse for a touch of the knee, a brush of the hand. In the last moment, when I was getting into the taxi for the airport and saying goodbye to him and another friend, he looked at our friend and said “I am riding to the airport with her”. I was stunned, shocked, so happy, relieved, somehow I loved him already and wanted him with me; I had not been ready to say goodbye and now we had a few more hours together. We spoke and not-spoke and blurted out so many things in the taxi; he stayed with me while I waited for plane; when it was time to board we said goodbye outside in the sunlight. I gave him a big embrace and he held me so tight, and somehow I was afraid to let go or look up or do anything, yet, when I did, we kissed. A beautiful, so soft light and then passionate kiss where his lips were butterflies on mine. I walked away knowing somehow, we were going to spend our lives together – crazy, unbelievable, and somehow, it seem(s/ed), true. I returned three months later, and became sick. After 10 days of denial, we went to the doctor... As soon as I walked in and the doctor saw the ulcer on my lips he said it was herpes. He spoke to my partner and I, we held hands, and said yes, this is what happens, you gave it to her, you just don’t show any symptoms. You probably had it when you were a baby. At this point my partner said, “Ahhh yes, there was a time when I had an outbreak as a baby, but I didn’t think it was contagious”. My heart fell as he said these words, and I realized his naivety. I had asked him a hundred questions, but not the rights ones. Saying he should have known better – that his family should have known better means nothing. They now do and are teaching his niece about the chance of spreading herpes to another. She also caught it as a baby and is only 13 now, soon she will be dating and can risk spreading it. The family has now been “educated” by my experience. When my partner asked why no one else had broken out, the doctor replied, “They all probably had it”. The doctor’s view was that herpes was very common in the city, and well, ‘I had wanted to get to know the locals, so now I was experiencing what it was like.’ But, he said to my partner with a laugh, “Don’t’ worry, when you go the States you can get the disease of obesity and wealth”. I went home about 4 days later; just enough time to absorb the information and the medicine to calm the outbreaks (on my lips, vagina and anus). It had spread so far because we had neglected it so long. The doctor said he had not seen such a bad outbreak. We walked away stunned and in denial; he negotiated the pharmacy. I wanted to get a drink. How could he have it and not know? I flew on the plane in quite a bit of pain; sitting was still a problem. I had been peeing in the bathtub to alleviate the pain. He would stay with me and talk to me while I soaked in the tub. When he was at work I sobbed and called my friends in the US. Feeling oh so alone, scared, and now tainted, dirty, pain pain pain. I woke up once with my lips covered in blood. I kept applying the cream and taking baths, and I stopped eating. I was afraid to go to the bathroom in any form, too much pain. I wouldn’t even drink fluids. I lost about 10 pounds or more. Once home I was sick sick sick. I kept feeling so fatigued (Was it my fibromyalgia or my herpes? Was it a reaction to the medication?) I couldn’t go to work though they expected me to after my vacation – what I was I sick with? – they asked. What could be so serious? Normally I come in and don’t let being sick stop me. They began speculating extreme things thinking I had got a stomach virus while traveling - I let them believe it just to have some privacy. I told three close friends, only one actually came to see me, go to the doctor with me, get food for me if I was in too much pain to drive. The depression of feeling alone was also bad. It’s been 3 ½ months – I still seem to get mild outbreaks, where I think it is “coming” and I increase my dosage till it decreases. I am fatigued at random times, I get very depressed at times, and I have good days too. I know how well I am loved by my partner, and that despite all of this, we have the beginnigs of a beautiful relationship – built on skype, herpes, distance, and the love and support and patience we have shown each toher through this ordeal (not to mention all those beautiful things that attracted us in the first place). But I remain frustrated – the trait in me that helped me ignore and deny the herpes continues still – and now I feel paranoid that my boyfriend is tired of comforting me, or only sees me in terms of the pain, or think that it is my fault when I get sick (he continues to say, don’t get stressed, because you only get sicker when you are). All while he is fine!!!!! Maybe he has fallen a little out of love with me through this, but he is still with me, and I think it is in a genuine form. He comes to visit me in December. But all of our talks of marriage and a life together have been shrunk to the “next step” – and I feel like I am being punished for the fact that I have herpes. I am quite proud of how I am coping – I have been reaching out, I have been getting my work done, and while I do get depressed, I am fighting. But it is a struggle. I wake up and have days with acceptance and clarity, and other days where I am just so so sad. I am fortunate to have someone in my life though that hasn’t given up yet even though we have had many problems. Even today we had a short little conversation and he sent me affection and support. I need to be focusing on the good things. So, I’m glad to see this website with so may optimistic views and I admire all of your for your positive spirit and sharing your experiences. And now I have so many questions, I want some perspective: 1) Should he still get tested? I want him too, but he doesn’t have much money, and now that I have it, he thinks it’s not really necessary. For me it is, though, does he have type I or type II? And I want him to be tested for other STDs as well. He will do it if I ask (just to make me happy), but I want to explain to him why it’s good. What reasons do you think? I think if he does it just for me it could lead to resentment down the road, so I want it to be something we agree on. Right now, however, I feel disregarded since he hasn't made it a priority (he even forgot about it!!!) 2) How should I cope with this feeling of “it’s not fair” that he gets to live his life when mine is so seriously compromised? I don’t want him to suffer as I am, but it hurts that I am left alone at times. He can’t be with me always, and he needs to live his life. Any ideas how to resolve this feeling? 3) I am trying to share my depression and pain with more than just my boyfriend, so he doesn’t have to deal with all of it. But it makes me feel more alone when I need to go to other folks than him. I have been seeing a therapist, and talking to friends. Any other suggestions? 4) Any other words of encouragement or thoughts? I am very fortunate to have access to this medicine and that it is working for me, to have a beautiful boyfriend who is loyal and kind through all of this, and a job I believe in to motivate me. Yet, I feel I can’t appreciate things. My happiness feels a little empty and all a little grey and I am trying to fight this, to go back to the light and happy moments of my heart. How did you all do it? Your stories encourage me so much, so thank you for sharing them.