PinkButterfly

So it's been 6 months since I was diagnosed with Genital HSV 1. I got it from my husband who has Oral HSV 1 even though there were zero signs of a sore and he hadn't had an outbreak in a couple years. I am still struggling so much with this. Like extremely struggling. It is still on my mind all the time. Literally there is still not an hour that goes by that i don't think about it. I still have really bad days where I feel humiliated, angry, sad and I'm crying. More anger than anything. If my husband tries to talk to me about it I get even more upset. It seems like he's trying to downplay it because he feels guilty. Last night he said 'There are lots of people who live with it' which, yes there are but that shouldn't dictate how i feel and how i deal with it. To some people it's not a big deal, 'just an inconvenience' I've seen people here call it but to me? It IS a big deal. Just because some others may not think it's a big deal, does that means I'm overreacting because i do? My feelings aren't valid? And is easy for him to say. He doesn't have genital herpes. This is something I will have for the rest of my life! No cure. Nothing I can do about it. I feel disgusting. Gross. Dirty. The thought of sex disgusts me. It's all i would think about during. Anytime my husband says something about how good he thinks i look or grabs my ass that's the first thing i think of. That I have herpes. Then I feel disgusting again. I could not feel less sexy. I don't want oral anymore, i don't even want to make out with him. I'm so paranoid about getting it on my mouth now or spreading it to my kids. And yes I'm aware that the risk is practically nil for doing that but I think that the way I contacted it is why I am so paranoid. He had absolutely no outbreak, not for a couple years yet I still got it. If he had a sore starting or ending then it would be our own fault. Actually scratch that. We honestly didn't even KNOW this could happen. Which is why I have a lot of anger. I'm angry at my husband which I know is multiplied by a thousand because we have been struggling as a couple for a couple years. But I'm angry at him for not knowing or learning enough about his life long 'cold sores' to know that he could pass it to someone's genitals. I think of the other women he's been with and hope he didn't pass it to them. I'm angry that they are CALLED cold sores and not what they actually are. Herpes. I had a doctors appointment last week for a prescription renewal and I was sobbing in her office when I had to talk about it. She said 'is it better if we call them cold sores?'. No. Because that's not what it is. It's Herpes. And maybe if we called it what it is we could have more of a dialogue about it and prevent spreading it by educating instead of calling it 2 different things. One being worse than the other. Or so society says. It's ok for someone to have cold sores but if you have Herpes....well.... Why is it ok to have herpes above the belt but not below? Because herpes is associated with the genitals. No one calls cold sores herpes. When someone says herpes, people who don't have it automatically think of it being on your genitals. I did. It wasn't until I was diagnosed and began my research that I found out about different strains and how location factors into it. Or that 'cold sores' are actually herpes and can be transmitted to genitals . (Again, because they are called different things) I'm angry at our sex education for not explaining this all and being specific. They need to stop calling them cold sores. They need to teach that it can be transmitted even without symptoms. They need to fully explain this to kids so they have as much information as possible going forward. But what society really needs to do is stop making us the butt of their jokes. Their punchlines. The jokes you see in movies. I feel so embarrassed when I hear one. We feel bad enough. We don't need to be reminded of it when we are trying to escape for a couple hours. Wow I just read all this back and holy cow I am angry and bitter. I know I should see a therapist or something but the thought of telling someone, anyone that I have genital herpes is mortifying to me. I havent told anybody. Not even my Mum who is my best friend in the world and who I know wouldn't judge me. I just can't. I hate this.

WTF?!! I just wrote a massive paragraph but it only posted the first few words!!!!!! Christ!!!! Ugh I'll try again tomorrow...... sorry!!

Hey. Thanks for checking in on me

Hey ladies. Sorry I haven't replied sooner. I've been avoiding this site because I felt it was taking over my life when I was first diagnosed. I obsessed about reading everything I could all the time, good and bad. I felt I needed a break from it all. I truly appreciate your words though. I wish I lived close to either of you too! I sure could use someone to talk to about this stuff. I haven't told anyone in my life that I was diagnosed. I'm still horrified. I mean I'm doing a bit better. Some days I don't think it's that big of a deal and but most days I still feel like I've been punched in the gut when it pops into my mind. You know that feeling. And make no mistake it crosses my mind countless times during the day. I don't think it ever won't. But I keep keeping on because..... well I don't have a choice....

I was just diagnosed with Genital HSV-1. To say I'm shocked would be a gross understatement. I'm 43, married, been with him for 13 years and we have 2 kids together. Never in a million years did I think this would be happening to me now. Last week during my period I had 'something' going on down there. I assumed it was just a irritation from wearing a pad on my heavy days. So I went to walk in 5 days ago to have a doctor look at it and prescribe me some cream to clear it up. Boy was I wrong! She said it looked like herpes. I bolted right up yelling 'What?!' I mean how was this possible?! I know I haven't cheated and I was certain my husband hadn't either. She asked if i got cold sores to which i replied 'No but my husband does. Although he hasn't had one in a while'. She said that didn't matter and it could be a possible source where i got it then depending on what type I had. She swabbed me, gave me a prescription for Valacyclovir and sent me on my way. After the longest 3 days of my life consisting of scouring the internet hoping, looking for another possible answer I got the call telling me I tested positive for HSV-1. I was/am devastated. More like completely gutted to actually hear the words that I am in fact infected. I have been crying everyday since the doctor shared her suspicion that it was herpes and been SOBBING since it was confirmed. I went for an appointment yesterday and decided to do suppressive therapy. I have Acyclovir to start taking daily after I'm finished with the Valacyclovir. I also have Zovirax ointment to put on now. I have been searching the net day and night hoping to learn as much as I can about this virus. I'm done crying but now I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off I have this. I'm pissed off I have to deal with this the rest of my life. I'm pissed off my husband gave it to me. I'm pissed off that my husband won't get it on HIS genitals because he already has the virus. I'm pissed off that he doesn't get them anymore on his lips and I am just starting my torturous journey. I'm pissed off that HE'LL never have to deal with this and I'M the one that does. I'm pissed off that I'm in pain. I'm pissed off there's this stigma that comes with this. It's ok to have a cold sore but if it's on your genitals you're disgusting. I'm pissed off when he tries to have a normal conversation with me like nothing is wrong and nothing had changed. MY whole life has changed. This will never leave my thoughts. Every twinge, every itch, every scratch, every razor burn, every little feeling I have down there will have me panicking and praying it's not an out break. I think about what happens if I have an out break on vacation. Can I even go in a pool, lake or ocean if I have open sores? I think about if my husband passes away how I'll be alone because i feel so humiliated i never want anyone to ever know i have this. I think about what is going to happen when I'm 80 and my body is falling apart. Being run down can bring them on right? I'm going to be an 80 year old with a herpes out break?? How does one manage that?! I KNOW I have no right to be angry with my husband. He is an incredible man. He didn't cheat. Neither of us knew this could happen. In fact before we even knew what type I had he said ' whatever it is we'll figure it out and deal with it '. He truly is amazing. I KNOW this is not his fault. Yet I can't help these feelings of anger. He has been working out of town so I haven't been face to face with him since I got the news. I'll be seeing him next week. I feel so humiliated. I feel like I can't even look him in the eyes which is stupid because it's not like I cheated and got this. I got it from him! It doesn't make sense but it's how I feel. I feel distant from him. I can't talk to him on the phone anymore because i get upset talking about it or i get pissed that he's trying to act normal. I feel dirty and gross. I feel like this is who I am now. The woman with herpes. And yes I know I could never have another outbreak. I know the initial outbreak is supposedly the worst. I know there are multiple ways to try and manage this but let's be honest. There is no way of predicting how the virus will act in another person's body. There is no rhyme or reason to what this virus does. What happened with you or the majority of others is not necessarily what will happen with me. Some people have a hell of a time with this. So to hear 'oh it's just a skin condition. Oh it's just like having a cold sore down there. No big deal. Oh they get better with time ' makes me furious. I feel like my doctor and husband are trying to downplay this to try and make me feel better but all it's doing is just pissing me off. Because this IS a big deal to me. It's all easy for them to say..... they don't have this. They don't have to live with this the rest of their lives. I'm sorry this was so long. I have so many emotions going on but I have no one to talk to. It'll be 7 days this all started. I just want this outbreak gone. It hasn't scabbed yet. Shouldn't it have? I don't know what I'm doing or what to do. I feel so lost. Ok maybe I'm not done crying....