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Hi all. I am 39yrs old and live in Queensland Australia (I know, I know...God's own country and you are all envious right about now). Anyway, I have been reading a lot of stories on here and some have really hit home some of my feelings about this, and my life, and how I have felt about myself. Let's just say, bad childhood (doemstic violence, sexual assaults, saw my sister killed, alcohol and drug abuse - not me, around me). So, move forward to 1992 (yes I am OLD) - go to uni, meet some fool who I end up marrying. He never really wanted me and him and his family always thought (and said) how they are better than me. So I marry this fool (looking back, I was wanting someone to finally accept ME), had 3 kids and then he wanted to buy more things, so I get a job when the little one was 2. So, we worked together as coppers for years, then he decides he wants to leave....block your ears here if you are sensitive......leave because he wanted to root someone up the arse, wanted to root other girls, and thought he was gay (all his reasons). Turns out, he was hooking up with a girl who got married 2 weeks prior (and we were invited to the wedding, but didn't know them well enough to go I was told....ironic isn't it).

So, already having low self-esteem and them married to a twit like him, I was feeling worse. Shift worker with 3 young kids, aged 32yrs. So, around 6 months later I think I made the first of the worst in a series of decisions in my life (let's say, my 30's sucked). Met something that I felt sorry for, who kept telling me people screwed him over his whole life, and he was changed from what he used to be......turns out people screwing him over meant they finally stood up for themselves, and no, he never changed. Never loved him, but thought surely someone of this calibre SHOULD be grateful......yep....BAD BAD move!!! Ok, long story short.....married for 4yrs now, I lived with him for a total of 4.5yrs (2007-2012.....obviously break up there and then feeling sorry for his lying butt again). So, in all that I have lost almost 100k to him, had him empty my bank accounts, there was rape for 2 yrs (we are not talking run of the mill type rape, and he justified it with it being 2 people trying new things....to me, that would be consent on both parts), stealing, fraud, deprivation of liberty, mental and financial abuse.......but like he said, he never laid a hand on me (as in hit me....what a MAN). Anyway, still in the process of child and property matters....oh, he said he would send me bankrupt, and he is on his way to actually achieving the first promise he made to me. Oh, I had 3 kids to this thing.......big mistake

So, after I finally got him out for good (he was still trying to get me to take him back in between threats and abuse, and threats of suicide so I would run after him etc).....and I know all of the domestic violence issues running through this story.....as a copper with almost 11yrs, I was well aware of it all. I gave up my job last year as I was told I had arthritis in my back and hips....now I have lost the baby weight, I have no pain whatsoever, and have reapplied to go back into the police service.

Anyway, back to the story, I met the MOST wonderful man early this year through my daughter who met him through a friend of mine from uni!! So I meet up with him finally, and we keep it secret from the kids because we didn't want the ex to carry on and cause me further problems (I am in a small country town). He was sonderful, had a great afternoon at his house showing me his dogs (he loves pigging) and his knife and gun collection, eating chocolate and drinking tea. So, all ended well, but he appeared just a little closed physically (as in, he wouldn't even sit next to me), but I busted him checking out my sexy legs lol!!! So, 2 days later, I asked him why he hated me (things had gotten quite nasty for some unknown reason) and he told me he can never be with anyone intimately ever again and it's between him and his doctor, no cure etc. I went home, googled and worked out he has herpes. TOld him I knew what the problem was, but I was confused as to what the big issue was. He told me if I kept digging that he would leave town. WTF!!! Ok, so we kept talking and about 2 weeks later we meet up and have the best ever first session of love making (he couldn't finish, which he told me before that he couldn't finish so I was expecting it). Later that week, the ex husband scared the crappers out of me and we hid out at Johnny's for the weekend.....let's just say it was beautiful and from that point on he NEVER had a problem finishing!!!

SO, things moved really fast, and he asked us to move in, which I thought was early, but we both said we wished we had met 20yrs before. We are so alike, same interests and outlook on life (turns out, I think it's our same insecurities that were a big part in our downfall). We worked well together with the kids, same parenting beliefs, freaking awesome man!!

Biggest problem I had with him was that if I tried to cuddle him from behind in bed, he would grab my arms and put them around his chest (and I mean like I had something on my hands that would burn him if they touched him down south), even though I was only putting them around his waist. I was scared to touch him, so would wait for him to make a move and would ALWAYS respond. I was very upset one night, because it was like I was constantly rejected and was like what I had dealt with for 15yrs from my first husband. I was crying and he told me to tell him what was wrong and he wouldn't be mad. Not sure if it was the way I said it, but that night ended up with him yelling at me and pushing me, telling to drive off and never come back.

Things went back to being well again, and him allowing to at least let me cuddle him without the reactions I was getting beforehand, but I still couldn't touch him without him flinching. Again, I would take his que only. I know he has a very violent background and from what I have heard from his workmates, he can blow up and start on people at work without anything apparent triggering his outbursts. He wasn't like that at home. He was hoever, starting to hit the kids more, and harder (he is over 6 foot and was 100kg). He started on my then 18month old, and that boy loves him to pieces, but came to me with a pleading look in his eyes as if to say, "help me". The kids copped a major flogging one morning because they snuck out and turned tv on in the morning of a school day (that has been a no no in my house for 14yrs). That was a Friday, the kids went to their father on Saturday. Johnny was on night shift and I went to town with the older kids. I came home Saturday afternoon and still not comfortable with what had happened. Johnny went to work, giving me a kiss and an "I love you". I found something he put on facebook which appeared to be aimed at me and the kids, and sent him a text (he is a miner so can't just randomly ring). He rang me at 2am, saying he loves me and just wanted to hear my voice and make sure I was ok. He said we would talk when he got home. I didn't really respond too well at this time, I didn't say much. He turned up at 7am, never looked at me, never talked to me. In fact he avoided me for 2 days and kicked me out!! Never to hear from him again, unless of course he was lecturing me on how our friends should be running their property and business.


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His reason for getting rid of me???? I was too hot and cold!!!! Anyway, I was having some problems carried on from the depo provera needle I had when we first met. It does send me crazy and I did warn him. Basically I would just break down and cry randomly (not like me), also I felt as though he was treating me like a bit of a joke in that if he spoke to anyone about me in town...it was like, my girlfriend has 6 kids, and then people would tell him he was mad taking on that many kids etc......so he would come home and tell me how people would say how brave he was etc....some of these people I knew through work so that would have been an appropriate reference, rather than the kids!!.

So, the problems I has having with the needle as it was finally leaving my system was MAJOR bleeding. For the first 5 weeks (which started only days before he kicked me out) I wasn't feeling quite right down south, but due tothe bleeding, not eating etc, I didn't focus on it because it didn't seem to be the biggest issue at the time. Next time I beld, I had the same thing again, and decided to get tested. Anyway, I have come up with HSV1 (given we were intimate only days before he kicked me out, it has only been 2 months since our last encounter and I will be getting tested again early next year to give it 6 months). I told him I was having blood tests because things didn't feel right down south, and all he could say is, hope they stop the bleeding and you told me you aren't pregnant. He then abused me because I said I don't want to go into it, but will let him know if things come back bad, because I wasn't being straight forward with him. I reminded him that he wasn't straight with me, in fact I had to work out what he had, and he can't expect things from others if he can't give those same things to others (he used to always tell me as long as I was honest and straight up, things would be fine.......note here, on 3 occasions I had to tell him stuff I either got pushed around, kicked out or verbally abused). So, results come back, I sent him a message asking if he has type 1 or 2, and he says "No I don't" (turns out he thought I was asking him if he had diabetes???). So, I tried to ring, no answer. I sent him a message telling him I tested positive, and I was happy to leave it at that. I had no reason after that to talk to him. I then rang up about a fitness test I have to do, and he tried ringing me, then promptly sends a message telling me to answer my phone. As I tried to send a message in reply, he rings back. So, that is the conversation where he abused the crap out of me for even getting tested because there was no reason for me to be tested and I would have to ask specifically to be tested. blah blah blah. He then gave me the "facts", which I knew from what I had been told and what I have researched, which are more his opinion rather than fact. However, he never told me how long he has had it, only that he was single for 18yrs, and told my daughters ex he was single for 15yrs......so, long time anyway. Of course, it makes sense that he has had sex since then though because how else would he know that he couldn't finish the job in bed???

So, other than telling me how our friends should run their lives, and to give me a mouthful about how I had no right to be tested........he hasn't spoken to me in 2 months!! He has even turned his back on me when we were in the shop at the same time.

Now I know I have HSV1....question is, where??? I have never had a cold sore, and the symptoms I have had 3 times now down south were not the typical blister outbreak....if that is what it was????? I've only had those strange feelings since August. So, he wont talk to me, so I don't know what type he has, only know where he gets it (seen it), and if he was diagnosed years ago, maybe they didn't differentiate when telling people at that time??? I don't know. All I know is that I can't put myself out there ever again because A)I don't know where I have this and B)He is and will always be my everything. At almost 40yrs, I know what real love feels like, and nothing could ever measure up to that beautiful man, as broken as he is. I will always be waiting for him. Just wish it didn't end this way.

I have been applying for jobs everywhere, and almost got enough certificates etc for a few jobs, have an interview today for an intelligence position, but now I am in another town (where this job is), I just want to go back to the sleepy town I love so much. The only driving factor for me to try and get out of that town is the ex husband. I want him out of my and my childrens lives (Let's say he is toxic)

If you got this far, you have done well. I have always been a broken person, but after touching heaven for a few short months this year, and falling to hell, literally overnight, I am not even willing to put those pieces back together. I will exist, I will care for my family and I will do things I love (camping, going to get a 4WD with property settlement if ex doesnt lose it all on me), and have a friend who is going to start taking me out pigging.....ohhhh yeahhhh!! Oh, and my 5yr old wants to start hunting rabbits, so I need to get my firearms licence as soon as I can, so we can set up for that ;) That will be my life from here on in. Oh, and my lovely mother likes to tell me how old I am looking!! So, 39yrs old, still have 3 kids at home, with the youngest less than 2..., have a lovely virus, but no idea where.......YEP, what a CATCH.....oh, did I mention...a REDHEAD to boot :(

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