Scared & Confused about how to disclose herpes

[thirdstar]

Almost exactly one year ago I was raped by a guy who I had gone on two dates with earlier in the year but broken it off with before we became intimate. Two weeks later I had an outbreak and found out I had herpes. The doctor was incredibly un-sympathetic and also unwilling to answer my questions, she gave me a packet and basically pushed me out the door with the response "thats why you don't have un protected sex" I was devastated and in an incredible amount of pain, I couldnt walk for two weeks and almost failed out of college after struggling to finished that semester and the following one while dealing with incredible emotional and physical pain. My GPA and graduation date will certainly be effected but I'm back this year and trying my best after taking the summer to build myself back up.

 

Over the summer I got a good job and a very nice guy began perusing me. Although i was very skeptical about dating again He ended up being the nicest guy I have ever met and we have so much in common and so much fun together, I've never connected with someone in this way before and hes told me he feels the same way. I was even able to open up to him about what happened to me last year, everything BUT the herpes. We've been dating for three months and everything has been magical but we still haven’t had sex because I am terrified to tell him, we have however been intimate in other ways like oral sex which makes me feel very guilty for putting him at risk. Lately when we are together this secret I'm keeping from him is all I can think about, and I know he can tell something is up.

 

Last week I mustered up all the courage I had and decided to tell him but before I saw him I went to dinner with my roommate who is a close mutual friend of both my me and my boyfriend. he told me the story of a "skanky" girl his friend lived with who had herpes. He whispered only the word herpes, positively dripping with disgust and it took away all of my courage. The following few days it was like the universe was trying to scare me out of telling him, I was hearing herpes jokes everywhere especially from my unsuspecting friends but also on T.V. I know that I have to tell him but when I try to think of what I will say I begin to cry uncontrollably. I'm scared to be an embarrassment or a burden to him, even if he’s okay with it all I can think about is how relieved he will be when we break up. I know that the tone of the message that you send when you have the talk with someone is really important but I just cannot get myself to a place that I think would convey the type of message that I would like to send. And I feel so terrible that I have put him at risk, I just don't know what to do with myself.