Positive People - SparklePony's Story (Part II)

[HerryTheHerp]

I was nervous as I walked into her office and once again rattled off the symptoms. “I’ve had a sore back, extreme fatigue, stomach aches, burning when I urinate, and oh yeah, there are these blister like things that have popped up on my labia,” I said. She took some notes down and said, “Alright, let’s have a look.” It took her about 2 seconds to make the diagnosis and the words she said next still ring in my ears; “Yep, you have herpes. Do you know what that is?”

 

In that moment a wave of emotions rush over me. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, and even a little afraid. I didn’t know what to think as my mind raced from one thought to the next with astonishing speed. Of course, I knew what herpes was. I had been a cheerleader, and while STI’s hadn’t been discussed in great detail in our Mormon dominated state, I can assure you that sex was always a topic of conversation. There was always some gossip about who was sleeping with whom, who had an STI, and who might be pregnant. So, yes, I knew what herpes was, but I wasn’t the kind of girl that got herpes. I wasn’t promiscuous, I was a divorcee, and I had slept with someone I knew and trusted.

 

Stunned and angry, I told my doctor she was wrong. No sooner had those words escaped my mouth, I started to cry uncontrollably. Somehow, I even managed a laugh of amusement at the same time that must have sounded like something out of a Hollywood horror movie. I didn’t spit pea soup, but my emotions were so charged that I’m sure I could have in those moments as she took a swab and drew blood for the confirmatory testing.

 

Fortunately, my doctor was patient and understanding with me. In hindsight, I’m sure I’m not the only woman who’s had that same reaction I did upon hearing the words “You have herpes.” It must have taken her a lot of practice to stay patient and listen calmly as I exploded. When I calmed down, she handed me a prescription for Valtrex and a short pamphlet on my newly acquired viral companion. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get a lollipop as it would have at least given me something positive to remember the visit by. Alas, I felt like all I had gotten was a big “Scarlet H” to wear across my chest.

 

At 26, I had visions of being alone and never finding love again. My thoughts were all over the place as I drove home. I thought about who I could turn to for support, who I could trust to tell, and of course, how I would break the news to Matt whom I was sure I had acquired the virus from. The thoughts I had of ripping his head off were tempered only by my desire to hug him and be close to him. It’s funny. They say there is a fine line between love and hate, and I have never had more trouble straddling that line than I did wrestling the thoughts of what I would say to him when I made that call.

 

It was a short drive, but believe me when I say it felt like it took forever to make my way home. For the next two days I sat in my room and cried on and off as I wrestled with my thoughts. During that time, I obsessed about herpes. I read everything I could find on the internet. I researched treatments, cures, and of course, dating, sex, and all the other aspects of my life that were now forever altered. If there was something written about it; I wanted to know it all, and I wanted to know it right now. I had spent three years getting over my divorce, and I wasn’t going to make that same mistake again. This time, I was going to go into the fight armed with so much knowledge that there was no chance it could hold me back.

 

It took about a week for me to collect myself, but I knew I needed to speak with Matt. He needed to know, and part of me wanted to confront him about it. I was terrified as I texted him asking him to call me. I nearly froze when he returned my call. I was anxious, nervous, and brave as I answered and I immediately gave him the news without too much small talk to sugarcoat it. Like a Band Aid, I just wanted to rip it off and get it over with as quickly as possible. For the next few minutes he listened quietly, and then apologized with a promise that he would get tested. He said he’d never experienced an outbreak, but added the caveat that he could have missed it if it had been minor. In a poor attempt at humor, he added “well, at least it’s not a baby, right?” And, that was the end of that call as I didn’t find the comparison the slightest bit amusing.

 

Almost before I’d hung the phone up I had decided that I wasn’t going to let this diagnosis beat me. Come hell or high water, I was going to get on with the business of living my life and building the life I wanted my son and I to have. Still, there were ups and downs. It was a very difficult transition and I was fortunate that my friend Nicholas in Germany had a sympathetic ear for me to bend.

 

Nicholas had been an exchange student in high school and he knew me, my lover, and he was always someone I could trust and count on. It wasn’t easy for me to tell him, but I’m glad I did. He listened calmly and in typical fashion all he said was “Ok, and so what?” That was it. With one little sentence he put everything in perspective and made me realize that everything really would be alright. Hearing his comforting words made me smile for the first time in days and it felt absolutely incredible. For the first time I could actually see a glimmer of light on the darkened horizon and for the next few weeks I just put one foot in front of the other.

 

A few days after I spoke with Nicholas in Germany, Matt called me to tell me that he had received his bloodwork back from the doctor and that he was HSV2+. He apologized again and assured me that he had no idea and never would have put my health in jeopardy if he had known. It was an awkward call, but I’ll never forget that he said he was grateful that I hadn’t made him feel like a jerk. In truth, I care about him very deeply and I’m glad that if I “had” to get herpes from someone that I got it from someone like him. He may not be perfect, but he’s got a good heart and that helped tremendously as I began to heal. While I don’t know where things will go with him, I’m glad he’s still in my life even if we’ll always be “just friends.”

 

From that standpoint, my emotional healing has been fairly easy. Things have just fallen into place and the support I’ve received from friends, Matt, Nicholas, and my own mother has helped immensely. As far as the medical side? I’ve been fortunate and haven’t had any outbreaks since my primary which wasn’t that severe. I can say that now, but at the time it felt like the end of the world. Naturally, I’ve taken some steps to help keep it in check for now. I take a low dose suppressive therapy daily, and am trying to eat healthier and sleep more. That’s not always easy with a young child, but I’m working on it.

 

And, I’ve been fortunate that it doesn’t appear that I have very many triggers that can set the herpster off. I eat copious amounts of chocolate and peanut butter, drink way more caffeine than I should, and am still learning to manage my stress. But, overall, my diagnosis has made me feel alive. I wake up every morning wanting to take better care of myself and I look forward to every new day and all that it brings.

 

To that end, I’ve taken up yoga, spent more time with my son, and and I’m learning to forgive both myself and others. That’s been hard, but something I’m glad to be working on. Life really is too short to judge and I’ve decided that from here on out I’ll listen to others before adding my two cents into the conversation.

 

Taken together, I can definitely say that herpes changed me. It’s making me stronger, more confident, and more compassionate than I have ever been. As the stigmatized slogan says, it has indeed been the gift that keeps on giving; and I’m grateful every day that it teaches me something new about myself and the world around me.

 

[Sparklepony]

EEEKKK!!! I'm so excited! This turned out so great, Herry!!