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Polyamory and HSV issues - advice please

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I have a LDR with a guy I've been seeing the last 3 years, on and off.


Spent a weekend with him 4 weeks ago - lets call him "J". Almost exactly week after that, I essentially had a classic first-time exposure breakout - severe leg, back, spine and hip pain, fever, and a day after that - blistering. Tests revealed it was HSV type 1 in the genital region.


I test regularly and I make sure I am tested for HSV - (mine makes it a regular part of the screen and I get the results through an online portal - so I know it's been done.) 5 months ago I was clear. I have spoken to everyone I have been with in the last year and they all say they have been tested and everything was negative, and in fact 2 recently re-tested for this specifically and the results are neg. My primary - we just broke up for other reasons but remain close friends (still live together actually) just got his test results back and tested clear.


The only people I have been intimate with in the last 7 months is my ex-primary once - back in October - and "J", who I see more regularly.

J of course, tested HSV-1 positive after I told him.


J is freaking out as much as I am and is trying to figure out what happened. He was in a monogamous marriage for 10 years, saw me alone for several months while they were separated, and then has been seeing me and 2 other girls for about another year. He's trying to pull all his tests over the past few years to see if they tested him for HSV. I'm not sure what the other girls are doing, although they claim their status are negative.


Where things are now, at the last conversation is he "has a lot to figure out" and isn't sure he wants to continue a sexual relationship with me. The other 2 girls he's seeing, while they don't believe in Veto powers, have asked him if he's going to continue to see me and his answer to them (well, what he told me anyway) was that he didn't know, and to me, that it was a fair question for them to ask.


I know blood tests can be inaccurate based on the time of infection, I know maybe my other partners were not tested for HSV (as I said before not all doctors add that to the screen unless someone is having an outbreak, because HSV is so common) but, my ex primary partner is clear, I was clear 5 mo. ago (and 6 mo. before that), I haven't been with anyone except those 2 in over 7 months, everyone I have been intimate with in the last year spoke to said they have recently tested clean, and I had the classic 1st exposure breakout a week after being with him last time - So, I am well over 95% sure he gave me this. And I am being treated a bit like a pariah.


I know everyone is reeling from this, but I am beyond hurt at the lack of support I am receiving - he hasn't even said he was sorry, I am hurt why he would even tell me he has hesitations about continuing a sexual relationship (although he has said he doesn't know why he has those feelings and needs to figure that out) and why the 2 other girls would ask if he was going to continue a relationship with me...He has it. He was like as not the carrier. And I feel like I'm being treated like the villain for doing the responsible thing and informing him the minute I got sick.


The only reason I see his two other lovers would ask if he was going to keep seeing me is if they think I passed it to him, or he told them I passed it to him, and even though he's positive, kicking me off the island is my "punishment", and the subtext here is, it's either them or me.


What I needed to hear was - "I'm sorry, this sucks, we will figure this out." What I wanted to hear was - "You mean a lot to me this doesn't change anything because we are in the same boat, if you will still have me."

What I got, in essence was "I have a lot to figure out and everything is up in the air and my other 2 partners want to know if I am going to keep seeing you and I don't know because of how this has affected them and me and you." When I told him I wanted to continue our relationship and how hurt I feel, and how I don't want to be just friends, his response was "I can understand that." When I asked him point blank if he thought I gave it to him his response was "I don't see how." but to be honest, it sounded deflectory and insincere to me, it sounds like he's trying to find a way to get rid of me with the least amount of hassle while trying to stay friends.


I am absolutely leveled by all of this, by his reaction towards me, by the questions his 2 other lovers posed. Any thoughts, advice, anything would be appreciated. I'm dreadfully lost right now, and I don't know how to have the next conversation with him which is, why would it matter to those 2 other girls if he kept seeing me, since he's HSV-1 positive and these 2 have to now decide how to move forward with him - getting rid of me won't change his status...and he likely gave it to me, and seriously, what the fuck is up with giving me an STI, and then pretty much having one foot 1 foot out the door, and not showing up to be supportive in any way at this recent development.


I'd love any thoughts, or advice on how to have conversation with him, any thoughts you have on how to handle the next step.


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Sounds Like J is an asymptomatic carrier of HSV-1. Chances are pretty good he has not been tested for it in the past. You need to specifically request a test for HSV or be lucky enough to have a doctor who will order it on his/her own. Sounds like you two are in the same spot but processing things differently.


Send him a link to this site. Also check out this blog if you have not read it already http://supporttruthanddialog.com/. Hopefully they will help you two thru the initial shock. Give yourselves some time to get over the shock and educate yourselves about herpes. Then you can revisit the status of your relationship and see where things stand.

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