Emotional side of things - If there is a god...

[janedoe]

2 weeks ago, when I first got diagnosed I didn't think that the emotional pain would be this big. I still didn't think that my giver meant to give this to me but he certainly behaved like an asshole - he still does.

 

Couple of years ago one of my exes went batshit crazy. I caught one of his lies and I broke up with him. Then he started stalking me. He waited hours in front of my house, called my house constantly, threatened me abt telling my colleagues abt our texts... I lost my trust to all humankind. In the end one night I couldn't take it anymore and called the police. An hour later, he ran away crying. I never heard from him again but I got this nasty habit of circling around my house to make sure nobody follows me and never ever share my last name and home address to prospective partners.

 

After this incident I remember a talk we had with my sister. I told her " If there is a god, he owes me one. How could he allow this to happen to me?".

 

Fast forwarding to 3 weeks ago. I am sitting at the living room of the guy I have been seeing. It is not a serious thing but I thought there is some respect btw us. I just found out that he has been lying to me about his life. That is why I was there. Anyway, SUPRISE: he walked in to the living room - drunk - with another girl. I sat there calmly, waiting for him to understand what is going on. I still remember his face when he understood what was happening. I tried to explain what was happening to the other girl that he lied to us. She yelled at me "Dont talk to me Bit.h!". "Ok lady, I was just trying to warn you" I thought. She left but came back crying an hour later, hoping that she was the one he chose, not me. They talked for an hour, that is when I learned she has herpes too. Recently diagnosed.

 

I remember feeling cold inside. Like all the human emotion was sucked out of me. I had no emotional attachment to him. That night, I went to his house for one thing only: closure. I wanted to understand why he lied to me. Nothing more. But he was drunk and in no shape to had a talk about all this. What did I do? I have waited for 8 hours while he slept. I thought "I will be damned if I leave this place without a talk". I needed to understand.

 

In the morning I woke him up. First I confronted him about his lie about his life. Then the other girl. Then the herpes. I knew how to hurt him with my words. I talked abt for 3 hours. In that 3 hours I saw how low a humanbeing can sink. Yeah I know there are worse people in the world but in terms of personality, this guy can't even get 1 star. He showed to integrity, no remorse, nothing. He tried to use my words to clear him, he tried to show that he is not responsible in all of this, that he has an excuse. In the beginning of our "relationship" I asked him to be honest with me. "If you are dating anyone else, it is okay but just tell me" I told him. I wasn't sleeping with anyone else during our "relationship" ( I don't know the exact term - a casual thing maybe?) but I wasn't serious about it too so busting him with another girl wasn't a big deal for me. I still giggle when I remember his face that night. :)

 

An hour ago, I felt that my heart hurts. It was a strange feeling like I was mourning for someone. Then I realized I am mourning for myself.

 

I try to be very careful about not hurting someone on purpose, to not cause pain on other human beings, animals and hell even the nature. To me, hurting someone on purpose in any way is the worst thing that anybody can do. Yet, people still find new ways to hurt and damage me. It is amazing. It is like the more I try not to hurt the world, people hurt me more. I thought there should be a karmic justice to all the people who cause damage to others. Appearently, there isn't one. The pain I felt that was for me. I didn't deserve to be stalked back then and get herpes now. I tried to be a good person and still guess who got herpes? ME. Why? I don't know. Most likely, I was on the left side of the cumulation distribution of the luck curve. It happens.

 

What gets me most is that I still didn't get an apology. Something like " Hey, I didn't mean this to happen. I am so sorry for this and I take full responsibility for my actions." I got nothing. I think he is still trying to find excuses for himself. I won't wait for an apology or justice of any kind. I think, life will catch up to him sooner or later. With his personality he will be in worse situations than this. I sincerely hope that they would be painful.

 

Meanwhile, I think I am doing better each day. I hope and wish that nothing bad happens to me after this for a long time. I am really tired of being the hero of sad stories.