22&Depressed

1. I dont know what the rule is on how long they last but mine lasted about 2 days - no crusting, no scabbing 2. When I went in, she told me it was "probably" herpes but didn't give me meds. But she did also say that she didn't want to put me on anti-virals in case it wasn't because then you're just taking unnecessary medication 3. After she swabbed (essentially popped) mine, they disappeared that day too. The area just stayed a little red

Hey. I just had my first outbreak and maybe symptoms vary depending on the strain but mine did not scab over. They showed up like 3 bumps, about an inch away from eachother and then disappeared after 2-3 days. They were painless until wiping them (sorry for the TMI, they were on my anus) and then they just stung for 10 seconds and that was it. My whole experience was like 1 week and that was my initial OB when apparently it usually lasts for 2-3 weeks...so everyone is different. Im still having some soreness in my lower back bone but aside from that, nothing. Hope this helps!

@Ishmael wow thank you for all the resources! I still feel down about the whole situation but I have been learning a lot this whole week. Both my parents and sister and brother have HSV1 orally so it feels good to know I do too, just in another part. And if anything, I think Im learning HSV1 doesn't really like the genital region which is why outbreaks are less frequent, so maybe I have it even better than the rest of my family who break out on their lips quite often (correct me if Im wrong! maybe I'm trying to look tooooo much on the bright side haha)

@Stupida swab

So I just found definitely that its herpes. HSV1. The lady told me I "most likely wont have another outbreak" which sounds too good to be true...although my initial one was super mild (3 blisters, no pain, no itching, no sickness, came and went within 5 days...wouldn't have noticed had I not felt them in the shower). What should I expect? What should I avoid to prevent outbreaks? How do I disclose? Asking these questions are surreal - Im still in a state of denial and shock although I knew what the diagnosis would be the second I felt the sores and started googling. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!

HSV1. Any pointers or facts I should know about? 😞

@kinator thank, I hope thats the case for me. How have the last 8 months been in terms of outbreaks? What should I mentally prepare for?

@Ishmael thank you for the response. Still awaiting results but am trying to come to terms with it so I don't get my hopes up and then am re-let down when I receive the news. Right now, everything seems fuzzy to me and I cant think straight. I keep reading others' testimonials about how it didn't hinder their life after, etc. and Im trying really hard to be optimistic. Right now, its really hard to do but I hope in time I'll come around. Thanks for the tough love.

Another day down...I haven't gotten results yet, but I know what they're going to be. Im trying to convince myself that they would've called me after 2 or 3 days so I should become more optimistic...I know thats not the case. My mom keeps telling me to stay in high spirits but when I try, I get distracted and end up back on google. I don't know how I'm going to cope when I get that phone call. I've almost come to accept that I have this - my daily cry sessions are diminishing: they've gone from about 10 times a day to 2 or 3. I don't know how much I have left in me. I can't stop thinking about my ex. For context, he lives far away. I was there visiting him at the beginning of the Summer and for the most part, it was bliss. I just keep running through everything we did together: nights of just cuddling and watching movies, going for dinners, being with his family...and now I'll never have that again with him, or (in my current state with how I feel) with anyone for that matter. I don't know how I got to this point in life - I'm devastated. If I'm not thinking about my ex, I'm thinking back to a year or 2 ago and how badly I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now. I know its not helpful or productive but I feel like theres this line in the sand now of my old life and my life now. And I'm scared I won't ever be the same. Even if I come to accept this, I will always have that anxiety/insecurity in the back of my head about it. Even if someone tells me they accept it, I will still wonder "do they really?" and be insecure before being sexual in the slightest. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I can't look at myself naked. I used to love my body...now I'm ashamed and depressed looking at it, feeling like its "tainted". Anyways, this was my vent of the day. Time to go back to thinking about my life from here on forward and how much I've tarnished my future over a 30 minute hook up. I sincerely hope the rest of you have an amazing day ❤️

@LotusBud thanks for being awsome. All of this is helpful. Still not doing well emotionally but this site gives me hope and support that I desperately need

@jma031964 hey. I know that feeling. My situation is different but I think that the end of the day, we’re all so scared about disclosure and rejection. I hope it went well for you. Did it? If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to.

I'm just going to use this post as a place to vent too. I can't stop thinking about my ex boyfriend. And how badly I've now screwed things up. We could have had an incredible life together, but there is literally no way of going back from this. I think to 2 months ago when we were together and on vacation and how we didn't have a care in the world. And now that I've come to realize he's the best thing that will happen to me, its too late. He'll never take me back. I feel like damaged goods and he's way too good for me. I think back to 5 months ago when I was on vacation with my family, and we were texting about how badly we wanted to be with each other. And now I'll never experience that again. Not with him or anyone. Because I feel like even if I find someone who will accept this, there will never be this lust for sex anymore. Now it'll just be a chore we do every so often - when I'm not having an outbreak or feeling insecure about it. I can't believe that this is happening to me. I feel this is generally the emotion most people have, but really truly, how is that happening to me? I keep thinking about the day before I believe I could've gotten this. I wish I could go back to that day. I wish I could go back a year from now. And make so much smarter decisions. I guess now all I can wish for is a chance at a happy future now. Whatever that entails. Before it entailed marriage and kids and now I just can't ever see that happening. I hope this is a feeling that will go away.

@LotusBud thanks for the advice 🙂 I probably should start counselling, for other things in my life. If this turns out to be what I think it is, it will probably throw me into a deeper spiral than it already has and at that point I will definitely need to speak to a professional. Im trying to have high spirits but my anxiety is getting the best of me. From the second I wake up, I feel sick in my stomach and my heart is racing.

@browneyedgirl77 google milia. Is that what it could be?

What are the bumps on your eyes and mouth like? I think once HSV finds a location on your body it generally tends to stick to there. I know that when I get stressed out I break out in rashes on my hands, eyebrows and lips. It's not herpes as I've had these rashes for years...could be what you have.

@LotusBud trying to find one but right now it just seems like a never ending dark tunnel

@LotusBud thank you for reaching out. I think I do just need words of encouragement right now. I’m so confused and anxious, it’s making me sick. My biggest take away from all of this regardless of my results is that people need to be better informed about herpes, transmission and catching symptoms. And testing!!! The testing system for herpes in place right now is bull shit.

I don't even know where to start. My life feels so destroyed and I've cried more in the last 3 days than I ever have in my whole life. About a week ago, I started feeling pain in my anus. It felt like I really needed to go to the bathroom. When I did, it didn't hurt but I didn't feel "completely empty" afterwards. This lasted a few days. In my head, I thought it was probably an anal fissure or a hemorrhoid...or maybe some STD but nothing serious. I went across the street to my usual walk in clinic, but they were closed until Tuesday. A few days later, on the Sunday night, I was taking a shower. As I was washing my bum, I felt a few bumps right next to my anus. I freaked out. I had considered maybe my pain was from syphilis, ghonorea, chlamydia, etc. but after feeling those bumps, a light switch went off in my head: this is herpes. I hadn't even considered herpes! Mainly because no ones ever brought it up before! I thought syphilis, ghonorea and chlamydia (and HIV) were the only real STD's out there. I mean, of course I knew what genital herpes was but nothing really about it. Plus, I've only had sex with one person and it was my boyfriend of nearly a year and we wore condoms every single time (I am a gay man ps). I went on the internet to desperately search for what else could be causing these bumps but all signs pointed to herpes. I couldn't sleep that night and I definitely couldn't wait until Tuesday to go to my clinic. Monday mid-day after work, I rushed to a sexual health clinic that I've gone to before. I turned onto my side and right upon looking at it, she said "I think this is probably herpes". I started bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. She did a culture swab on the blisters and started telling me about future outbreaks, etc. I asked her if it could possibly be anything else as it wouldn't have been from sex but it could've been from a rim job I received the week prior. She said theres a 10% chance that it was a bacterial infection seeing as this man had a scruffy beard. My symptoms didn't look like what you see online, but then again, they never do. I had 3 small blisters on one side of my anus and one single one on the other side. I came home from the clinic and continued to bawl my eyes out. Even without having definite results, I knew in my gut that this was it. I must admit that I started typing out suicide letters because I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The next day was Tuesday (2 days ago) and I went to my walk in clinic. I saw my doctor and he said "this doesn't look like herpes but more of a bacterial infection". The lady the day before had popped the blisters when doing the culture swab so I think it probably looked better than it had initially. But he said he could see where the blisters was and having inspected other herpes cases, this didn't seem like a herpes outbreak. That provided me a moment of relief but again, my gut was (and still is) telling me otherwise. It's telling me to be realistic about the chances. Yesterday, I went for my blood test. Those results will be in in about a week. But I know they don't really matter once I get the culture swab results which are more so definite. Although results haven't been confirmed yet, I want to describe my symptoms so if someone is unsure and reading this they know what to possibly look out for. I had pain in my anus for a few days. No redness, no itching whatsoever. I had 3 little bumps (spread apart, not in a cluster and not tiny little blisters) on one side of my anus, and a single one on the other side. I had no flu like symptoms at all. No fever, no real aching (not that I could distinguish from the emotional and mental exhaust I was causing myself from all of this). I peed just fine with no pain. The sores didn't sting. Even when they were swabbed and she told me "this is going to hurt", I barely felt a thing. She told me this was a good sign but lets be real... Today, my bumps are gone. Theres no trace of them. They did not turn into ulcers or crust over...they just disappeared. So my symptoms are weird. This could be because maybe its not herpes (*denial*) or because symptoms are DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY. So the second you notice something strange/blisters, that is your best chance at getting definite results. I thought I was being SO SAFE. I have dated people before my ex (the only man I've ever slept with and always with protection) and I still didn't have sex with them. I made all of them get tested before becoming intimate with them in anyway. I had NO CLUE that you could get herpes from oral which is the only possible way I could've gotten it. They don't teach you these things unless you do your own research. They don't even test for these things...and all those times I got the "full" STD panel check. I can't even be furious at this guy who I suppose I got it from. For starters, I barely knew him (I'm an idiot) but I trusted him and couldn't see any visible sores...here I was thinking I was so safe because I said I couldn't give him oral because theres a VERY SLIM chance I could get HIV from his pre-cum so we couldn't only make out and he could give me a rim job...meanwhile, the he obviously had the virus orally and transferred it to my anus. I would've been better off just performing oral on him. Go figure. I don't know what to do. Waiting for these results is killing me. I can barely sleep through the night. I wake up periodically and just think "I have genital herpes" and my heart starts racing. It goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds of opening my eyes. Then I cry myself back to sleep and have it happen all over again 20 minutes later. I'm beyond depressed. I was already feeling depressed from other things my life and then this had to happen. I see no point in living anymore. If I wasn't so nervous to leave my mother behind mourning my loss, I would go sleep on the subway tracks. But I can't do that to her. The thought of recurrent outbreaks, etc. is traumatizing. Right now, I never want to date again. I had such a vision for my future - marriage, children, building a home, etc. and now it's all gone. All of it. I'm trying to now re-strategize a life plan that looks something like: be alone forever, lose your ambition and get a comfortable job that won't bring about much stress, get used to solitude and many lonely nights. I know this sounds very dramatic but I can't see another way to cope with this. The worst part about this is how much this scare has made me realize I miss my ex. I think about my life 2 months ago with him and how happy I was and how I envisioned our future. When we broke up, I was more so convinced it was a "break"...now what? How could I ever ask to get back together and say "and by the way, in the 2 months that we've been apart I contracted genital herpes that's really going to affect our sex lives forever. Still love me?" I could never now. That dream is gone. Along with most of my other ones. Im sorry for the rant and quite frankly, I don't know what type of responses I'm looking for on here. I just need support and love, I guess I feel this is the only place I'll get that from from this point forward.