Carlos
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Posts posted by Carlos
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Headaches, backaches, stomachaches, yeast or other types of infections, pimples -- these are all code for "I'm tired! Stop beating me up! Get some sleep, put down that third appletini and leave your work at work! If you keep going on like this, I will really break and you will not be able to move!"
Hm... was genital HSV diagnosis a 'yield' sign?
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I'm a huge GAME OF THRONES fan... should I start shopping for a therapist? :(
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Sometimes things must change so you can change. Sometimes you must break a little so you can get a peek inside to see what an awesome powerhouse you are. Sometimes mistakes must be made so wisdom can be earned. Sometimes you must overcome heartache so you can begin to follow your heart again.
[www.marcandangel.com]
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"We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. So when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over."
from www.marcandangel.com
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one word. AWESOME. wishing you happyness ;)
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There's another blog called tinybuddha.com
I found this slice of brilliance there...
Identify your biggest fans, and then nurture those relationships.
No (wo)man is an island—meaning, you can’t do it all on your own. Sometimes all you need is a little reassurance, and your biggest fans are the people who do just that for you. You first need to identify your biggest fans—the friends, family members, and peers who think you’re the cat’s meow, and who have always been there for you. Friend’s who tell you that you’re awesome, just because. Then, put your energy into fostering deeper and lasting relationships with these people. We all have them, so nurture those relationships and draw strength and confidence from them.
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dear LIVELY, your post is a lively, lovely, breath of fresh air. Thank you. and good luck with this new guy--he sounds fantastic--yet what i like about him is his response: "he was sure he had been exposed to it and was probably a carrier any way." This is very true. i recently heard someone say that one can walk inside any NYC bar (or any US bar) and figure out how many barflies with HSV are present; all one needs to do is count: 1, 2, 3, herpes... 1, 2, 3, herpes...
I started doing that in the subway, at the movies, in the classroom... anywhere in NYC where huge crowds abound.
but back to you: i hope this new adventure takes you places where connection, fulfillment--both individual and in unity--comfort, laughter, and hot sex are the essence. you've earned it; no because you've been living with hsv and that's such a drag of a life, but because you are a child and a woman of the universe, and you were born beautiful and perfect. there's nothing extra to do to earn the right to love and be loved... it's what we're here for. so go on. get out here. have fun!!
on a different note: does your new guy have a gay brother?
just playing ;)
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Hey angler, welcome to the forum. Stay in touch, this has been a great outlet for me. I recently discovered it, although I've been living with HSV2 for 21 years now. I guess that makes me a veteran LoL so should you need some advise don't hesitate to contact me (or anyone here for that matter, you'll find a great support group).
I'm sorry you're experiencing so much anxiety--atop the one you were already dealing with--. I too have had run-ins with anxiety. at some point i went through a severe episode of panic attacks: they would occur mainly in the subway (i live in NYC), at the movies or in the classroom. it was very scary. so I can relate and feel your pain, brother. Now that HSV2 is partof the mix, I do my best to keep life stress-free, an impossibility for life IS stress, but guys like us have to manage.
It's okay, bro. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. i wish i could say this loud enough via email, because the opposite statement (there's something wrong with you) is false... nothing but internal noise getting the best of you. with that said... there is nothing wrong with that internal noise either... it's part of life, we react to things that come at us from the outside and internalize them. some of us are better at internalizing than others. but essentially there is nothing wrong with who you are, with who i am. the man before herpes is the same and remains as attractive, sexy, lovable, integral, and cool as when herpes simplex showed up.
think about what herpes simplex is: a virus that flares up via the skin due to stress factors or poor nutrition or both. due to the fact that it rears its ugly head via the skin, that makes it a contagious virus, and because when people fuck they're usually stark naked, BOOM.
so you had sex. so you contracted this harmless virus that causes temporary skin eruptions. if psoriasis was as equally contagious, psoriasis too would carry stigma. if rosacea was as equally contagious, it too would be considered an STI. you get my meaning?
the problem is not the herpes simplex virus (which is also responsible for chicken-pox, shingles, herpes labialis or HSV-1)... the problem is our inherent perception that sex is bad, dirty, sinful, guilt-inducing... hence, contracting HSV1 or 2 signifies that you've been doing the bad, the dirty, the nasty... and the shame you now feel is your reward. YES... a life-time of guilt is what you deserve for having sex... word, no more coochie for us because we are bad, very bad, men.
NON-SENSE! PURITANICAL BULLSHIT brought on by religious, hypocritical, repressed sex-o-phobes, and their friends.
now is the time for guys like you and I to divorce from such mental garbage. Herpes--as Adrial has stated--is an opportunity to come together with our Self (or higher power, or soul) and take responsibility for what matters most... our happiness, our enjoyment of the world, our health, our lives. Because brother, this ride is not forever.
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Remember, life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess. These people are your real friends in life. They are the ones who matter most.
via: www.marcandangel.com
I invite you to take a minute to dig up a good quote--something vibrant you just have to share--and post it on this thread. My bro-in-law says: it is so freakin easy to focus on the negative... the challenge is to focus on the positive, but it's a rewarding challenge.
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just submitted my profile! YAY! but how/where do i see my "blurred" entry?
Carlos
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I'm in. fuck it. i got nothing to lose but fear itself. Adrial, i think your idea is fantastic. i would suggest the number 1,000 but if this thing gets rolling--as you say--like a snowball down a snow-covered hill, then 10,000 seems achievable. ignorance deserves no closet but open air where it goes transformed.
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THIS THREAD IS GREAT. love the conversation, and i totally agree, we need to look into shame-free STIs. the best thing i've ever heard from a 12-step program i attended soon after i was diagnosed was: "here we are, in this little room, just 15 of us, when in reality we should be a group that takes up an entire auditorium, at least"
I say take up the Rose Bowl in Cali.
being a gay man has shed perspective--no pun--on this whole hsv thing. the shame stems from sex, not the skin condition.
do you know that professional wrestlers give each other herpes? but because it was passed on while fighting on the mat, it isn't considered an STI. but it's the same freaking virus!!
gay men carry so many sex hang ups, such identity issues: am i masculine, am i feminine, am i atop, am i a bottom... to mention a few, and each comes with a degree of stigma... add HSV to the mix and you got some real scared homos out there. i know... i was one of them!
so the root cause is our american puritanical, skewed perception that sex is bad. ridiculous! sex is good.
so--i don't know how--but i'm willing to start breaking down the walls of silence.
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hey THEFOUNDONE, congrats on your name change. THELOSTONE is yesterday's news. I just read your initial post and oh my God... i feel your pain; i am so sorry you're going through this nightmare... and I'll hold your boyfriend down while you work on him with that pillow Boardwalk Empire style!
(just kidding) My point is, i hear your fear, confusion and rage. and i hope all this physical pain subsides. reading your description, i was at a loss for words. hang in there girl, you can weather this storm. nothing is sent your way that your spirit cannot overcome. i know it feels like shit, and the loneliness stings deep, but you will come out of this stronger, more complete, with a deeper sense of self. I am sending you waves--no--tsunamis of healing energy and though i'm an agnostic asshole, i pray to whatever higher power exists in the heavens to aid you during this ordeal. for now, rest, be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself! and know that I and everyone else here is thinking of you. loneliness is an emotion, emotion is not fact. you are never on your own.
big hug and kisses.
burn some white sage around your place!
Carlos
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hey girls... you believe in love? LoL
Thank you for your lovely words; it really means a lot. I'm glad my stories come to good use. That's mainly why I share, and sharing hasn't come easy for me, as I am quicker at avoiding, anger, and self-abandonment. Today was a productive day--spent in school--and got excellent feedback on a play I've been working on... it's the story of a Latina P.I. who is solving the tragic death of two lovers; their tragedy sends her into a place of self-reflection and enlightenment, a place she wasn't sure existed.
on a different note: During one of my scrolls tonight, I stumbled upon these articles. The message was simple, not new, and yet refreshing. Here are the links; I hope you enjoy the read.
http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/1226/self-abandonment.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/relationship-advice_b_1947837.html
I send you all a ridiculous amount of love and good vibes.
Carlos
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DEAR emily_bestrong, the username becomes you. and thank you so much for sharing your story with us; it's like a breath of fresh air. it is so necessary--and i am so grateful to have found this site--to hear and learn from other people, that despite our 'viruses', our 'self-made flaws', our 'imperfections' we remain loving and lovable human beings, deserving of opportunities to express love and experience love.
many blessings to you and your blue-eyed honey ;)
C
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I try to find inspiration everywhere--not just within myself--for when the going gets rough, so much of my internal noise comes up I can't hear myself think. It probably doesn't help that I reside in NYC where the vibe is always ON, keeping the mind amped up. So I read--since reading is the greatest sedative for the mind--and often go to this website to get a lil fix: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/10/08/12-relationship-truths-i-wish-i-knew/
I'm still dealing with letting go of someone who was very much a part of my life through out the summer; but he'd decided to move back home to Miami--and to his credit--he was very upfront about how our relationship should proceed. Yet feelings grew. Despite my (h) disclosure and his ambivalence, we became very close. He is one of the sweetest guys I've met in a very long time--not perfect by any means, we all got baggage--yet his sweet disposition trumped his anxiety and random sparks of attitude. Heck, I can give attitude galore if you don't stop ME. So I accepted his least likable qualities because I so loved how I felt when I was with him.
He's been gone since Sept 1, and though we talk--at least text--once per week, the reality of how our relationship changed has been difficult to embrace. Am I in love? I don't know--I miss his presence--or is it the feeling I used to get when in his presence that I miss the most?
What's more painful is that I can sense that he's moved on--and though he's expecting me to fly down to visit--I know that the separation has altered things. I'm hanging on for the unrealistic to occur; often I find myself building up false resentment just so I can get enraged enough to shut the door. I remind myself of how special it was and try to convince myself that it was manipulation on his behalf--that his actions and disposition were a kind of mirage--then I realize that hating him in order to let go is a childish thing, that brewing such feelings are only going to harm me in the end. I engage in self-talk and say: it is possible to let go without the rage; it is possible to let go peacefully.
For me--due to lack of experience in the gay male relationship department--to forgo the testosterone-fueled hubris is hard. Today we got into a fight over a text message I sent; an innocent compliment based on something he posted on his Facebook page. He took it the wrong way; I exploded. It was as if that little devil in me was saying: Hey! Perfect opportunity to crank up the rage and wipe the slate clean: off you go boyfriend!
I hit the 'unfriend' option in Facebook and went to the gym :\
Are you laughing at me yet? Is okay... go ahead. I need a good crack-up myself.
'LETTING GO'... in the website I mentioned above, they write: "Some people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life. – If you’re having a tough time letting go of someone who left you, realize that if they wanted to stay they would still be there. Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next. It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still hoping for the impossible to happen. Yes, it will hurt for awhile, but you have to forget about the person who forgot about you, and move on."
Rage or no rage, it's time to give up that blind hope, I guess.
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First of, welcome to the forum, CACCIATO... and THANKS--from the heart--for what you've done in the middle east in the name of this great, wonderful, yet sometimes nutty U.S. of A. Cheers, brother!
And I hear your frustration... be it HSV1 or HSV2, be it genital, oral, etc. stigma comes attached to it because most people who do not have (h) know zilch about it! Baffling, I know. But now that we stand--rather bare naked--with this virus; what choice do we have but to develop a deeper, lovelier connection to Number One (ourselves).
I find it a challenge, because we've been brainwashed on this side of the planet to think that being alone is being incomplete. Even before we were born, this perspective had its claws set deep into western society. (Thanks, HOLLYWOOD)
I recently found a quote by novelist William Gibson. It goes: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes."
The quote spoke volumes to me; not because there's value in demonizing and diminishing others in order to fluff up the ego--no--but because allowing another's ignorance to dictate how I should feel about my person is a trap. When someone rejects me, I remember the hundreds of auditions I've gone to that have not yielded a booking (I'm an actor in NYC). Bottom line, what's for me is for me and there ain't no virus that can cock-block fate. If someone I'm interested in won't accept me wholeheartedly with all my qualities and my flaws; that person--for sure--is no match.
Easier said than done, right? But worth the effort... One day at a time is how I do--sometimes tripping face first--but always getting back up.
Again, welcome to the Forum--you def not ALONE my man. Stay in touch!
Best,
Carlos
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I love this quote (below)... and it seems like meditating upon it might come in handy right about now. (forgive the heightened language)
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes." William Gibson (novelist)
Cheers queers ;)
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dear Vanessa, i hear what you're going through, i understand and sincerely hope that those results come back negative. i hear your anxiety and fear and wish i could do something more to remedy such intense emotions. all i can offer for now is a bit of wisdom: should you end up with (h), you're not a "whore with stds". if you read some of the entries here, you will quickly discover that all kinds of people, from all walks of life, who are not necessarily what society labels as "promiscuous" acquired the herpes simplex virus through someone they were just dating who didn't know was infected in the first place. regretfully, as a society, we have so many hang ups about sex that (h) a simple skin virus has garnered so much stigma. that we as people with HSV are "dirty whores" is far, very far, from the truth. we are just sexual beings who caught a skin virus which half the US population has. what matters right now, is that you do whatever is possible to love yourself, as opposed to berating yourself. be gentle with yourself; all is not lost.
here is a link to a cool blog i ask potential sex partners to visit (before i ask them into my bed)
http://herpeslife.com/herpes-simplex-virus-hsv-101/
be well Vanessa!
best of luck to you :)
Carlos
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hey T... aside from one tablet of valacyclovir 500mg daily, I take a two-capsule combo of Lysine 1000mg with Astragalus and Olive Leaf extract. The amino acid+herbs can be purchased online or at your local health food store. Quantum Health is the brand i choose. Astragalus is an anti-viral Chinese herb and Olive Leaf is another anti-viral. Lysine helps with acidity levels in your body and to keep Arganine (found in food, triggers episodes) under control.
i chose the herb supplement because I've noticed that if i stop taking the Valacyclovir, my episodes kick in.
although i've lived with HSV1 and 2, and i'm mostly asymptomatic, i still stress over shedding and passing it on :\ so i try my best at keeping the drinking/smoking to a very low minimum.
I hope some of this is helpful; if you have any other questions, write me.
Best--
Carlos
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dude... in the process of viewing your video journal. awesome idea. thank u for the opportunity to catch myself reflected in you, it's a powerful reminder that i'm not alone, that i can afford to detach from my solipsism and realize that there's a whole world out there filled with people who feel exactly how i feel, who are grappling with the same stuff i'm dealing with. i too went through a break up recently... it was bittersweet and peaceful, yet it left me feeling quite empty. your 5th day entry really hit home: "allowing yourself to be single, noticing the tendency to search for a new girlfriend." that i am enough all by myself is something that i try to sell to myself hard, and often... but the co-dependent in me loves that spotlight... LoL... but i also have never been in a long term relationship (nothing beyond a year and a half) and there is this neurotic need in me to find one... it's as if i have not been able to materialize or complete a part of me.
Thank you for that very real, very emotionally naked video. you got balls, bro!
Thanks for the inspiration!!
Carlos
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Hmm... I knew i had contracted HSV2 at age 30 (I'm 40 now) because the very first outbreak occurred just weeks after having sex with the "perp" (LoL). Before him, I was out of town for work and so busy I went sexless for three months. Interestingly enough, just last year I got my PCP to test me for EVERYTHING: the blood test for HSV came back showing I carry both strands 1 and 2... yet I have never in my life experienced an outbreak in the face/mouth area.
Sneaky little sucker!
The peanut thing is because HSV is triggered by an amino-acid called Arganine which is found in most foods (at higher quantities in nuts and chocolate), which is why natural remedies are so gung-ho about Lysine (to balance things out). BTW: arganine is not bad, it fuels the body, especially before exercise... yet in high doses, it can trigger HSV episodes.
It's amazing how much knowledge we've acquired due to this prickly little virus.
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Hi JAMAICA! welcome to the forum, send a thank you note to Adrial for creating it and keeping it going; send him some cyber-love as a token of gratitude :)
I am so sorry to read about that ignoramus who deceived you and wasn't man enough to value your honesty and vulnerability. Regretfully, the world is infested with that type; I've met a few myself. And it is hard--rejection is a bitter pill--and scary. I hear you when you say that it feels as if you're never going to find someone who is going to love and accept you. The same fear grips me at times, making me feel as if I'd never be able to shake the feeling! The good news is: emotions are not fact... remember that: EMOTION IS NOT FACT... and they evaporate, which is the beauty about emotion--they never remain the same--.
But back to the ignoramus: the universe places the wrong people on our path so that we can practice awareness and gain an ounce of wisdom. The unpleasant, base feelings--I think--keep us informed and alert. Soon you will hear yourself saying: "I don't want to experience that any longer!" And when another ignoramus shows up, then you'll have a better grip on the situation. For every man out there who luxuriates in the bliss of ignorance, there is another who is mature, compassionate and better looking... Adrial is textbook example (and so am I).
So, yes, good men do walk the face of the Earth... and if there's a possibility of encountering a douche-bag, the possibility of encountering the opposite must also exist.
Don't abandon yourself, JAMAICA. Hang in there, stay connected to this forum; we're all here to lift each other up (and do the necessary venting when Life gets feisty).
Much love
--CARLOS
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Herpes rejection: It's not personal
in General herpes discussion
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Dear WD. I have read this entire thread--including our friends' responses--and I'm in awe of you, of your strength, determination, and ability to communicate.
I see myself in you in many respects: the way you see HSV as a part of you is how I see it. We and this virus are a package deal. And yes, disclosing is tricky: I'm the type that discloses and then runs for the hills--before they get a chance to run! HaHa...
Reading your posts, I saw something interesting--something I often do--and that is how when I am at my most vulnerable, working through rejection, I internalize it so much that I unconsciously seek a rebound--in my case, another man that will distract me from the painful, unwanted emotions that have risen due to being rejected... I do that all the time, and I'm sure we all do, because in the company of someone else--anyone else, even if it's someone we know in our hearts isn't right for us--we take it, we seek it... because it fills the hours we would otherwise spend over-thinking, over-analyzing, over-crying, over-blaming, over-smoking and over-drinking.
My greatest, toughest challenge is being with myself--alone with my pain, my unwanted emotions--and reject the distractions: the bars, the past boy-friends, the blame game.
I walk to the gym everyday--I'm currently in northern NJ--so the walk is 20+ minutes of silence. Can you believe that I can't stand 20 minutes of nothingness?? So I put away my iPod and make myself walk, simply observing my mind, and in it, there is a Carlos going nuts!! HaHa... I laugh, because I'm older now (soon to be 41) and I've learned that the noise in my mind has no power over me, unless I give it power. If I listen to all that noise and buy it as The Truth, I will grow so overwhelmed that seeking distractions would be the remedy.
Your post about that old flame who emerged precisely right now when you're healing from the sting of rejection jumped at me... my immediate thought was: I've been there! I've seen that movie before! and all I can say--for both our benefit--is... don't abandon yourself. The beauty of an HSV diagnosis is that it forces us to reflect, to respect our bodies more, to become a bit more spiritual, to grow through extraordinary self-awareness. These qualities--regretfully--cannot be given to us by another human being.
I speak to my nutty self as I write this.
I send you much love and wish you the best, WD!
Carlos