cindy29

I was wondering about Valtrex too ... anyone know if there are any long term side effects?

Yeah I thought it was weird which is why I asked but I was so emotional and upset it just totally slipped my mind in the moment! Gonna go take that risk and see how it goes! I'm so jealous of you Victoria you're lucky to have friends who you can talk to and trust completely with this! I guess I'm still ashamed about the fact and prefer to keep it inside which is why this forum is so great for people like me!

Thank you Herry and Dancer too! This website may be just one website in the midst of billion websites on the internet but it is one that makes a difference because of people like you guys. Having someone to talk to makes ALL the difference in the world. Herpes has such a bad stigma it's nearly impossible to talk about to people you care about. No one knows not even my family with whom I am very close to and my friends but being able to talk about it freely here makes it feel less of an issue so I just want to take the time to really thank you both again. I'm going to take your suggestion and try to be his friend without thinking of what it could or could not lead to and if it works great if not then I guess I'll either have an extra friend or we'll stop talking after a while. Thanks for the much needed reminder and push to take a risk in life.

Hey Herry, So you think I should keep hanging out with him? I wear my heart on my sleeve ... I am very cautious about who I spend time with and guard my heart until I am certain he is someone genuine and good but when I fall I fall hard. I'm already a bit of a mess since he said it's better we didn't see each other as gf bf ... but I do think that he is a genuine guy and that he was starting to have feelings for me too. I could see it in the way he treated me before and after I confessed. I do hold a sliver or hope that it could work out but I am deadly afraid to try. The idea of hanging out with him appeals to me but because I have this hope ... I really don't think I could just be friends with this man. Hey Dancer, I know what you mean ... I am better off without my ex and most of the time I don't give him any thought. He doesn't deserve me and I am better off now. It made me realize what an ass he was! I did talk to him and he does get himself tested. The last time he got tested was two or three months ago and he was clean (he screened for herpes and other stds you have to request for too) so he is aware of his situation. No idea about the stats too but 1-2% (depending on how many measures you take to lower the risks) each time sounds a lot worse than 1-2% per year. As he said if it's 1% each time after having sex 100 times it is certain that he will get it but that's not true because lots of people here have been with partners without it for years without ever passing it on! Maybe I'll try the friends thing ... but after a while. He is clearly aware of my good points too and thinks I'm a good person. He does like me more for the fact that I was honest and straight with him since the beginning .. but in the end it's just not enough! Maybe it's not enough now and would be in the future but honestly I am really afraid of finding out. Cindy

So happy for you (and really jealous too!) I hope I find someone who can accept me too. I have to keep hoping!

Oh Dancer, I hope you're right. He wanted to stay as friends but I just thought it would be way too difficult for me because of the feelings I have for him. So I told him it's best we didn't talk but if he did change his mind in the short run for him to contact me again, if not it is goodbye forever! I am SO mad at my ex for giving it to me. If it weren't for this I think I could be really happy with this guy. I read online that the risks are 2% a year not 2% each time? Which is correct?? Cindy

Ok so it didn't end well but I can't say it ended badly either. He was understanding and I obviously did a bad job explaining because he thought that the risks were 1% every time so "if we had sex 100 times I'm certain to get it in the future and that freaks me out" is what he said. He then goes on to tell me that while he cares for me he does fear that he will be nervous if we become intimate and may even become resentful if he does get it from me (I asked him to think about whether or not he'd feel that way before deciding). I think I kind of gave up after hearing that but I did correct him and told him that it's 1% chance a year (with suppressant meds, condoms and sex with no symptoms) which is a 1/40000 chance (assuming we have sex everyday of the year. I haven't heard from him since and gave him a way out (and even reminded him to be careful in the future as most people never do body checks and don't know what they have or don't have and therefore could more easily give him some std without him knowing). I haven't heard from him since but it's only been a few hours. But I feel it's useless ... just because the risks aren't as "high" as he had originally thought doesn't really change the fact that he may still be nervous and resentful in the future. So I'm kind of trying to admit defeat. It just SUCKS because although we hadn't known each other for long I felt a real connection and being with him was just so fun, easy and comfortable. I really thought we could have had something special if it weren't for this stupid issue. Now I have to pick myself up and keep trying to remind myself that someday someone better will come along but in this moment in time I just feel like curling up into a ball. But the good thing is that I will be better at making "the speech" next time. I know what to emphasize and make clear to avoid any misunderstandings and unjustified fear. I just wish I knew all this before and didn't mess it up to begin with! Maybe I'll hear from him and he'll tell me that the risks are lower than he thought but chances are that the bottom line is that he can't accept it. At least I realized and found it before I invested even more time and feelings into this man! I'm going to go read all the success stories on here and hope that one day I'll be able to post on there too :)

Thank you both Herry & Dancer! It makes all the difference to have someone to talk to. This website is just amazing and I'm glad I ended up here. I have genital herpes not oral herpes and I did manage to get in some facts. I told him about taking suppressant meds and condoms and the low risks involved. I told him I've only had one outbreak since and that it was manageable with meds. I told him that I only found out at first because I am responsible and do take care of myself by getting yearly body checks (even before I had herpes) but I did all that while being very emotional and insecure because I was afraid that he would leave, afraid that I would be rejected and in a way I felt shame because I felt broken. I've spent a lot of time working on this and 99% of the time I don't feel this way but I like this guy and telling him just brought all of my insecurities back in the moment. He did tell me that he didn't think I was broken and that I shouldn't feel that way. That there was no judgement and that I shouldn't be upset because of what I said that night. He said I was brave and that it must be hard to go through such a big issue by myself. All great but he did check out his online profile the next morning! But I do want to say an extra thank you to Herry just for reminding me not to be stalkerish and letting my insecurities get the better of me. It's just easier to over analyze the bad and forget the good signs too because part of me is expecting him to get up and get out but I think deep down there's a part of me that believes he is decent and genuine too otherwise I wouldn't have felt it was right to tell him. I will try to hold onto that hope and be myself on our next date. Dancer, I do want to tell him that he's ask more risk being with someone who has never had a body check and doesn't know what they have or don't have ... but I know that because he knows that it's a definite risk with me makes all the difference. I'm just not sure how to do it! I don't want to make all our conversation about this one issue. It is not what defines me and he is aware of that too. Do I bring it up on our date or wait until he talks about this again? What if he doesn't? I'm pretty sure he went online and started researching too. When he faces a problem he usually spends a lot of time exercising and thinking about it over and over until he can rationalize it. And the fact that he is still texting me (although not as often but I think he does need some space right now so I'm taking his lead and only replying rather than badgering him with messages) does give me hope that he's not in it just to get in my pants and that his feelings are genuine too. I guess I will have to wait and see, maybe him checking his online profile is because he is unsure and afraid I hope that he'll be able to rationalize it and come to some sort of decision soon. Meanwhile I will try my very best to remain my fun silly and happy self and hope that he sees that part of me as more important than this one thing. Thank you SO much for taking the time to read and respond! Hopefully I'll have good news to share ... if not I'll eat a tub of ice cream or something yummy and try and move on the best I can.

Hello, I'm in my mid twenties and I've had Herpes for over two years now. I got it from my ex boyfriend (dated for five years) who cheated on me. I spent a year putting myself back together before jumping back into the dating scene. Recently I met a wonderful man (in his mid thirties) online. He is confident, funny, caring, affectionate and we have so much chemistry and the connection feels real. We've been dating for a few weeks now (haven't had sex yet) and last night I finally sat him down and had the talk. I am starting to really care for him and I feel like he is genuinely interested in me. He's willing to listen and understanding too but it was still very difficult and emotional. I think I handled it pretty well considering it's my first time telling anyone. I asked him to let me say everything I needed to say before commenting and after a few tries I told him how I got it, the facts and my concerns. He held me the entire time and was angry at my ex for putting me in this situation. He asked me what the doctors have said and what it means. I answered his questions the best I could given how emotional I was and asked him if he wanted me to leave and he told me not to be silly. He even asked me to stay the night. We ended up hugging for a long time but I could tell he was deep in thought so I left to give him some space to think. He walked me down to take a taxi and I asked him if I was never going to hear from him again and he told me not to think like that and held me. The next day he did text me and he was very honest and told me that he wasn't sure if it was something he could handle but that he did really like me and that there was no judgement at all. He even made plans to meet again on the weekend ... but I'm afraid that he's going to back out because he said he's not sure he could handle it ... so there isn't really a definite answer. I keep wondering if he'll change his mind, if he'll start acting weird around me, if he won't want to be intimate with me after all. To make matters worse and because of my own insecurities I checked his online profile and saw that he had logged on this morning when he hadn't at all before. Doesn't that mean he's looking for someone else? But if so why is he talking to me and making plans? Is it because he's confused? What happens after you have the talk? Or do I just have to meet him and find out? I've never gone through this before so any help and advice would be greatly appreciated!