marinamelody

I seem to bounce so regularly from feeling comfortable with myself and accepting of myself with herpes; and feeling suddenly hopeless about ever being accepted by others... This morning is one of those days I'm in serious need of a pep talk! As a little preamble - in May this year I found out I have HSV2 after having a very mild outbreak. It was a couple of months after breaking up with a long term partner, Ben (names changed for privacy, of course). I know that I either contracted it from my ex, or a female friend we slept with as a couple a few month prior to breaking up, as I had not been with anyone else in several years and was always tested regularly. A few weeks later, I was moving city from Brisbane to Sydney for six months. Three nights before I left, I met a guy in a bar, let's say Aaron, and we clicked. He came home with me and a bunch of other friends, we hung out, made out, exchanged numbers. I felt normal, felt like I could just have some fun without having sex, and with no pressure because I was leaving in a couple of days. I never thought I'd see him again. We msged, I saw him again before I left, and since May we've been msging each other regularly. At the start of September I was back in Brisbane, and got to meet up with Aaron. I went to his friend's party. As soon as I arrived, it was on. The chemistry is fierce! He's this amazing, handsome, well-read, sweet fellow. We spent two nights together, hanging out, making out, but with no sex. He said he'd been waiting three months to be with me and was disappointed, but ok with it. I went back to Brisbane feeling thrilled and devastated. Long story short, I'm moving back to Brisbane in December, but he's going overseas for six months from November. We live i different cities so there's no real chance of us being in a relationship (I'm young and a little bit wild and won't do long distance). But I'm going back to Brisbane on Wednesday for a week. I'd been planning to tell Aaron about having herpes. I feel like there will be pressure to have sex (lord knows I want to! He's my ideal Adonis, sexy as hell!). I have nothing to lose, but as the time looms, it feels like a futile act. If there's no chance of us being together, why bother putting myself on the line like that? I crush on Aaron fiercely, really respect him as an individual, but the fear is creeping up on me... Also, I'd been gearing up to talk to my ex, to tell him that I contracted herpes while we were still together and discuss issues around that... But again, as the time looms, I find myself asking, Why bother? He's not a big part of my life anymore, so why share that intimacy? I hate feeling voiceless, but am so torn between wanting to be open, wanting to get it out there that I have herpes so it feels less like I'm harbouring a secret. But then, bam!, I feel like disclosing will just set me up to get hurt...

Kath, I can relate completely! I'm 20, found out about H about 4 months ago. Initially I felt like so many doors had been closed to me - no experimenting, no adventure, no hanky panky anywhere on the horizon. But I already fully accept that, no, my youth hasn't been robbed away from me. Yes, we'll have to be more mature when it comes to sexual health. How can that be a negative? As the months go by, and I find myself ending off dates with a cheeky kiss, and nothing more, where previously I might have taken things further, I'm beginning to realise that really, this might be the biggest blessing in disguise. Yes, there is a monumental number of seemingly terrible things to go with H - having that conversation; dealing with outbreaks; it goes on and on, BUT I'm suddenly owning my own sexual health in ways that I never would have pre-H. In the great scheme of things, this is just a skin condition - it won't cause more serious illness down the track, or impact fertility etc etc. I consider myself lucky not to have caught something with much more serious implications. And the obligation I feel towards future partners as far as disclosing goes, also makes me feel like I am allowed to ask after their own sexual health status. Pre-H, I never felt able to ask. This is my latest little epiphany as far as H goes, and I think it's a pretty big one. Kath - there is so much fun to be had! Don't you forgot it!

Thanks for sharing, mister. I'm building up to possibly having my first 'talk' and reading others' experiences is definitely helping me to tear down the intimidating walls I've been building up in my head around it. Just reading your story gives me little butterflies - glad you've found someone you have such a connection with :) Who knew there could be so much hope for thrill, fun, excitement in the face of this little condition we have? x Marina

Lelani, you're so right about dancing! I've been doing it A LOT. And beginning to feel less sad about not being able to take any fancy footed fellows home with me at the end of the night... I've just moved house so am sans bed OR tennis racket. However, I've spent the morning beating an old dusty rug (not a euphemism, I swear!) and it was truly euphoric! Also, hugs down under? :) hahaha - at least H has opened up a whole world of double entendres and cheesy puns to us ;)

Adrial, you're a diamond! Really, truly thank you for your enthusiasm and support. Hugs right back at you xx To be honest, one of my biggest fears stems from the fact that each of the guys have been somehow linked to my network of friends - I have the fear that once I tell them they'll reject me and tell all my friends. Or they'll accept me, but it will end and they'll tell all my friends. It's that fear of being 'found out'. I don't know anyone else who has herpes (or more likely, who has disclosed to friends that they have it). I really do feel a lot of shame around the whole thing. Even before the diagnosis, I've been a person who finds it difficult to let people in - this is just another thing that I feel will leave me exposed and vulnerable, so I want to cradle it, keep it quiet. As far as switching the fear into something healthy, I do think that herpes is helping me address those broader issues that I may have ignored indefinitely if not for this. Feeling like the primary thing I have to offer is my body - loving sex, but not wanting to connect emotionally with people. Now I have to consider: do I trust this person enough, and do I love myself enough, to be open with them about my sexual health. And I'm trying to discover the things I have to offer besides a very ample booty and tiny waist ;) Another thing I worry about is that people in my age bracket seem to be more fearful of STDs, herpes etc, and far less likely to be accepting than older people may be. I'm not sure if it's simply a maturity thing, or generational, or of course it's potentially just a warped perception I've developed? What do others think on that matter?

Hi there to everyone on this site. Just wanted to say a quick hello and a big ol' thank you to all the people here. My name is Marina, 20 years old, from Australia. I found out I have HSV2 in May 2012, and have been grappling with accepting the diagnosis and learning to love myself again. Having read just a few discusssions (and the much-linked ebook!) on this site my attitude is improving enormously. The biggest challenge I'm having is feeling overwhelmed with a kind of voicelessness: 1. I've met several guys since May, but after a few dates, can't fathom having the disclosure conversation, and so I cool off. 2. I believe I caught herpes from a female friend with whom my ex-boyfriend and I had a threesome with. I haven't told my ex because I feel worthless and betrayed. I haven't told the female friend because, again, I feel both worthless and betrayed. ...when all I want to do is say: 1. Listen, I really like you, but you should know I have herpes. Here are the facts, let me know how you feel about it. 2. To ex-partner: when you brought my female friend into bed with us, without asking me if I was ok with it, you put me at risk. To female friend: go see a freakin' doctor and talk about your sexual health! Get educated, woman! I'm trying not to beat myself up. I'm trying to let myself feel as sad as I need to feel about this, while not wallowing, because I know I'm beginning to see more positives than negatives. Still, all I want to do is scream from the top of the mountain on which I live. Not words, not anything in particular. Just bellow. Because I'm tired of feeling ashamed. I'm tired of minimising myself. I'm tired of feeling small. I want to holler and say, hey! I'm here! I'm worthy of love! So thank you to the community I've found here - I'm hopeful that by connecting with the strong, supportive, understanding community here, I'll be able to bridge the gap and take those attitudes with me into the 'real world' x Marina