PositivelyBeautiful
-
Posts
302 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Posts posted by PositivelyBeautiful
-
-
@misskellyrenee, kudos. Thank you for braving the stigma and telling your story. Herpes can no longer be a scary, misconstrued stigma when there is a face and story behind the diagnosis. And thank you for explaining that it can happen to anyone, at any time. More people need to understand that no one is immune to catching an std, and no one is tainted if they catch one, it's just life and sex and the realities of both. Embrace all the positive messages, experiences and opportunities that come from this, and know that your courage is definitely helping others out there!!
-
Hi @sassyc and @bird, herpes is a really tricky virus... and that's why so many people don't know they have it... some people see symptoms immediately, others never feel or see a thing and others have mild symptoms, so mild like a tiny pimple or flu-life symptoms which can be mistaken for something else... and they just don't know. If you do notice symptoms shortly after sex with someone, it could be your contracted it from them, and it could be that you had it all along. There is no certain way of knowing. However, if you get antibody levels with your blood tests and they are low, and then keep climbing following the first outbreak, then you can kind of figure out where you go it, especially if you know your partner carries the virus too. It can drive you mad sometimes trying to figure out the whens and whos... sometime the best thing to do is just to stop trying to look back, accept it and move forward with your new reality.
-
Hey @junebug2015, I think @WCSDancer2010 might be able to answer this accurately, but from what I understand, if he already has the HSV-1 antibodies, he is protected against contracting it in another region. There might be a very minute chance, but I think it's highly unlikely. It's like when someone has HSV-1 oral, they cannot really spread it to their own genital region because the antibodies will likely prevent any spread of infection. However, just be careful if there are any active sores present... that's always the riskiest time for transmission. Plus, from what I understand HSV-1 genital has a very very low transmission rate because it doesn't tend to like the genital area... way less active shedding than HSV2. Hopes this helps!
-
Hi @sassyc, first of all, sorry to hear you guys are going through all of this... Just a question to start - how did they test you and your husband for herpes? was it a swab or blood tests? You should be able to get a type specific blood test (distinguishes type 1 and 2), which depending on where you live, can provide antibody levels. You can still have antibodies for herpes but not the full blown virus... this gets confusing, i know, but anything below 1.1 is considered negative and anything between 1.1 and 3.5 has a 40% of false positive. 3.5 + is a positive. If it's the earlier stages of infection than your values might be low as it can take up to 4 months to build antibodies. Also, you can't assume type 1 or 2 until you get the type specific test, because you can have either without symptoms. There are people that are asymptomatic carriers of both type 1 and 2, that have the virus but don't know because no "typical herpes lesions" are present. Also, it's difficult to say when you might have contracted it... herpes is a funny thing... some people get symptoms within days and weeks or being exposed and others never get symptoms at all... and others get symptoms 20+ years later. In other words, everyone handles the virus differently... so trying to look back and figure out when, who etc, is difficult. Also, just a side note, I know you said your husband was diagnosed with shingles, but know that herpes can present symptoms anywhere in the boxer area... genitals, butt, lower back, upper and inner thighs, etc. I think if you both haven't had type specific herpes blood tests yet, you should definitely consider doing that, and then if you have type 1 or 2 and he is negative, get to understand the transmission risks and if he feels comfortable carrying on as usual, then don't hold that against him or you. You are both adults and once educated, should be able to make the decision to proceed as you wish. There are a lot of H+/H- couples who never actually pass it on, and have very normal and active sex lives. Regardless of the outcome, don't let herpes hold you back from experiencing this man and this relationship to the fullest! Ultimately, herpes is a manageable skin condition and if you share this tremendous love, enjoy it, cherish it and live life to its fullest together. You both deserve that. Ps - don't view this a punishment for what you have explored in the past. It's a virus and our bodies are susceptible to catching viruses... luck of draw really, it can happen to anyone, at any time. This initial shock is always hard, but embrace the love you have and find the strength to move forward as openly and fearlessly as possible. We are here if you need us. Best to you both.
-
@misskellyrenee, first of all, kudos to you for being so brave and forthcoming. I could imagine how violated you must feel about your privacy, and I am not really sure how I would feel about it, but there it is. It's all out there for the world to see, and the response is mostly positive (minus that comment about "she will still sleep with you" - how fucking rude to imply that... but then again, it's media seeking a sensational title). While I get why you are upset, there is nothing you can do to take it back or change what's now circulated, right? But here is an opportunity to tell your story, how little or how much of it you want, and to educate the masses of what it means to live with herpes, if that's something you want to explore. You have been given a platform to speak up, and already your bravery and strength is evident in your tinder profile, so why not take it to another level? own it, embrace it, run with it... There are few others on here who have been completely empowered by coming out and breaking down the stigma bit by bit, one person at a time... you have an opportunity to do it to thousands at a time. If you don't want to pursue that, i agree with @sil88, it will die down and become one of the million random posts/tweets/articles... some questioning whether it was real or concocted. Either way, your honesty and courage has gotten people talking and thinking about herpes, perhaps in a very different way than before. I know it's not something you have chosen to have happened, but you can turn this into something tremendously positive and rewarding, if you want. Sometimes live pushes us in directions we don't anticipate, and here is one of those times. How you decide to handle it, how you move forward from here is all in your hands. But know, that we are all hear to support you, and personally, I am grateful for your courage... and to all those who take public stance on this stigma.
A quote for you: "The question is not whether you are going to meet adversity, but how you are going to meet it." Stay strong and keep being as brave as you are!
-
Hi @devastated15, I want to tell you that I can totally relate to what you are going through right now and I want you to know that you are never alone. When I first found out, I was in a very similar situation, where I was seeing someone who appeared to have everything I wanted. (read my story here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4384/coping-with-diagnosis-and-what-if#latest) I was actually more devastated by his reaction than the diagnosis itself, because I too, never had symptoms. He actually stopped speaking to me all together and I felt immensely alone. The emotional turmoil of dealing with the stigma and the instant rejection was a lot to handle... but here's what I learned following that - him leaving me at such a low in my life was actually a gift. He allowed to realize and fully comprehend that all the love I wanted and needed was actually within me, that I am completely and always responsible for my own well-being, my validations of self-worth, the healing of my own wounds, and my own happiness. I am not going to pretend it was easy, but I found tremendous compassion, love and strength within myself in the weeks following my diagnosis, and it's something that I can honestly say I am so grateful for today. About two month later, he reached out again, but that time also gave me perspective that he was not the right one. I learned that him not speaking to me had nothing to do with me. People make choices in their lives based on their own self-interest, the experiences they have lived, whatever they feel is right at that point in time, so whatever happens with guy, know that his decision is not a reflection of you, but him. Fast forward 8 months later and I am dating someone (H-) who is far more amazing than I could have ever possibly imagined. So, although right now, at the very beginning of this journey, you feel like you might never find a love like this again, I want you to know, that you will. If you take some time out to work on yourself - that is forgiving yourself for the decisions you have made, finding compassion for the hurt parts of your soul, for loving you just as you are today, and understanding that you are worthy of great, all-encompassing love, then you will receive that great love, but it starts within you. You'll probably read on this forum a lot that herpes has tendency to magnify the pains we already carry, and it's so true. Find those hurt parts, heal them with compassion, and love yourself just as you are, because you deserve to live a loving and happy life, void of abuse. You are worth it, before and after this diagnosis. Also, if this guy chooses to walk, let him. You will make room for someone far more deserving to come into your life. If he can't support and deal with this manageable skin condition, then what will happen when scarier things in life come your way. Life gets hard and you deserve someone who will be there, by your side, no matter what, someone who sees everything that you have to offer and says, you're worth it. Cause you are, believe that. I know it's hard to believe, but it does get better, and we're all here for you when you need us. Sending you all kinds of positive vibes, stay strong.
-
Hey @herpetologist, welcome aboard! Everyone is different. Some people are more comfortable using H+ dating sites as it can help ease the transition into the dating world after diagnosis, but I never wanted to limit my options. I dated on normal sites and took my time with the physical side of things... I've found herpes to be a gift in that sense; it forced me to slow down and really get to know the people I was engaging with before getting all caught up in the hormones. In many instances, that extra time gave me insight into who those guys really were and the relationship ended for various reasons before I even had to disclose. I reserve disclosures for those that I feel are worthy of my heart and my body, and only time gives your insight into that anyways. My first real disclosure with an H- person went really well, and we are now happily dating. The level of vulnerability that we have to share so early on, is a positive as well. Yes, it's scary to face rejection, but the courage and kindness that is shared in a disclosure, whether that person chooses to take the risk or not, is something to be proud of... we are acting in their best interest and that's highly commendable. And if someone responds badly or chooses to walk away, then that's a choice they have and ultimately their reaction or decision has nothing to do with you. Be brave, and yes, every 'talk' will likely get easier. Happy dating!
-
Hi @123, well first of all, it's highly unlikely that you would have contracted herpes from touching the stripper and then touching yourself... but then again, nothing is impossible. Skin to skin friction would likely be necessary... that said, it is also possible you might have contracted herpes weeks, months, years ago and just now known you've had it all along. A lot of people are asymptomatic and never experience any visible symptoms. Some only get their first outbreak 20 years after likely contracting in, when major stress weakens their immune systems. So, first things first, if you are concerned, go get an herpes IGG, type specific blood test. If the red spot is still visible, you can also get that swabbed and tested for herpes. This will give you some indication whether these symptoms might be herpes-related or not. Keep in mind that if this is a recent exposure, that it can take up to 4 months for your body to build up antibodies, so it might come back negative, and to be safe, you should go get tested again in another 3-4 months. Remember that not every bump, itch or tingle is herpes related, that a lot of other skin conditions can resemble herpes. So don't freak out just yet, go get a blood test and wait for results. Hope this helps!
-
hey @shaeshae! So nice to read this post from you... sounds like you are in a really great place and found someone really special. To answer your one big question 'is he going to get me, once all the cards are on the table?' - I think you aleady know that you'll never really know until you put them all on the table. In other words, there is no definitive answer. However, you have come such a long way in your journey and if this guy really sees everything that you have to offer, herpes will really not be a big deal to him. And, what you are describing in the connection you have with this guy, seems as though, regardless, he will be compassionate and understanding. I agree with you, in that you should tell him in person, and I think you'll find just the right moment to tell him. Trust that what you've built with him thus far, and whatever you experience with him in this disclosure, will lead to a positive outcome. Whether or not he chooses to take the risk, you will honor yourself and him by being honest, kind and forthcoming, and he will likely respect you even more for that alone. You're strong and capable, and i'm sending you all the positive vibes I've got right now!! And stay positive yourself, be confident and trust the process... trust and believe that no matter what, everything will be ok.
-
Hi @inspired32, happy to hear that things are progressing between you too, however, you should probably try to talk to him about everything. Sex is something that should be talked about between people. It's not the most comfortable conversation for some, but if you open up the lines of communication, it will serve you both in other areas of your relationship. You both know what's happening, so what's the harm in casually asking, with compassion, maybe once your cuddling afterwards, 'is everything ok? I notice you don't always stay hard, and i just want to know what's on your mind'... maybe he's just scared on contracting it.... it's probably something that's on the minds of every H+ and H- couple at first. I know it was for me and my boyfriend, but we took it slow and use condoms, and things are totally fine now. If it's that reason, maybe you should introduce condoms as it might help put his mind at ease a bit. And maybe, it's something else all together. What if this is a common issue for him and that's why he didn't talk about sex or take action in the earlier stages. Who knows, I am just guessing, but in not asking him or having an open heart-to-heart, so are you. You've braved a difficult conversation in disclosing, so trust that you have the strength and courage to brave another. Be honest with him, and allow him to be honest with you. It can only make things better. Hope this helps a little...
-
Hey @Tayler, that's always a tricky question to answer because each person and situation is so different. Some people like to tell the other person within the first 3 dates to avoid getting hurt or leading the other person on, and others, (like myself) prefer to take their time and really get to know someone before divulging that personal information. I have found in dating a few guys that a lot of times, the relationship ended on its own for other reasons completely, prior to me having to tell them. I would always let them know up front that i wanted to take things slow on the physical side. Taking my time gave me insights into who these guys really were and what they were about... I also felt that that extra time gave them insights into who i was and what i had to offer... in case i did get to that place of telling them. I felt they should see the whole picture (well most of it) before making a decision on wanting to pursue things. Ultimately, there is no 'right' time... take your time, see how things go, and when it feels right, you will know. And don't feel guilty or feel like you're lying about anything... you are not just herpes... you are person with interests, opinions, likes and dislikes. Enjoy getting to know him and let him get to know you, and then see if he someone that you want to share that very vulnerable part of your heart with. If the anxiety is too much, then maybe telling him sooner than later will be better for you. Just trust your gut and do what feels right for you.
-
Thank you @ihaveittoo1975! I feel equally lucky to have met him. And, from what I know, you seem like quite the catch yourself, so trust that your time will come too... I look forward to reading all about it one of these days. :)
-
@ihaveittoo1975 - i love coconut oil for the same reasons, great moisturizer, lube, massage oil, cooking oil with antiviral properties! huge win!! However, i never thought it had to be kept cold... just did a quick google and apparently, it can remain 'fresh' for up 2 years, in a liquid or solid state, ie: refrigerated or not. I think the issue with travelling will be it leaking in your luggage, especially if you heading to warmer destinations. Maybe double-bag it? try a smaller jar too, so easier to transport? There has to be a way to avoid the leakage during travel.
-
Heya, I just started dating someone who is very much the same... although he hasn't outwardly said, "i want herpes', but it doesn't phase him either. He is not scared at all, and this morning told me that he never thinks about it. He has accepted what it is, and really doesn't see it as a big deal. He knows the risks, and has accepted that reality too. The way I see it is that this is not abnormal at all... this is what a real, loving relationship is about. Accepting shortcomings, risks, disappointments in hopes of something far greater and more powerful... it's being totally open to the unknowns, but knowing that no matter what, it's all worth it cause you are both in it together. I know, if the opposite was true... if I had met someone with a story whether that was herpes or something else that had impacted them, and I felt they were amazing in every way, nothing would stop me from being with them. Everyone deserves that, no matter what battle or condition they might be fighting. So enjoy it, relish in it, and let it fuel you to be your very best. :)
-
@2Legit2Quit, just read this now, after posting on your long-distance disclosure... but this is seeming more and more like a man who is not worth your awesomeness... You deserve a great guy, so don't allow yourself to settle for anything less. Your gut might be telling you something is up/not right... trust that, and gracefully move on. Sometimes, moving on from someone because they are showing things you don't like or giving you negative vibes is the best option. I dated a few guys before this current one that recently disclosed too, and all of them, I never got to the stage of actually telling them (although i felt close at times)... because I wanted to see if they were someone that I felt should be privy to such personal information, and if they were someone I truly wanted in my life. I took my time and I put me first, and they showed me sides of them that signaled red flags. I kept my standards high, and allowed my actions to validate my self-worth... in other words, I didn't settle. You shouldn't either, trust what you are feeling.
-
Heya, I have done a lot of distance dating (not anymore, happily dating someone now who is totally ok with my herpes status :) ), so this has been a topic I'm quite familiar with... I think you really need to understand what it is you want... If you are looking for a relationship, something tells me this guy might not be it... the fact that he intimidates you concerns me for you. Also, as Dancer said, when a guy is really into you, they will move mountains to be with you... That said, I can understand the guilt part, of not wanting to allow them to invest too much, or make significant efforts, before you tell them... but honestly, your worth and what you deserve from someone doesn't change at all after herpes... a man you are dating should move mountains for you, no matter what, and even if he is not willing to assume the risk after disclosure, he should still remain compassionate, and understand why it might have been difficult for you to share that information. If he doesn't, or if he runs after disclosure, consider that a blessing in disguise. Now, concerning how to tell him... I think face to face would be ideal... and maybe insists on him meeting you half way. If he really wanted to see you, he would do it. And then it gives you the opportunity to at least have that conversation in person, without overextending yourself either. Dancer is right, in that, if you go, you can choose to leave if things get awkward... but if he doesn't want to meet you half way, that would stand out to me, and I would question his level of seriousness. Again, if you want casual, that's another story... but based on what you wrote, it doesn't seem like you do. The other option is over skype... kinda of how my disclosure happened, but it was completely unplanned. I wanted to do face to face, because I wanted him to see my vulnerability...but it came up in conversation from a distance and so I told him. He still got to see me and I still got to see him, and it worked out really well for me. However, had it gone badly, at least I would have been in my own space to process and deal with the emotional aftermath. In hindsight, it was a good option. Others here had suggested skyping first to tell him I had something important to say and that I would send it in a letter/email... and then sending the email... that is a balance if you are intimidated, to tell him that you something he needs to know, but then put it all down on paper for him to read. He can take his time to process etc, and then get in touch with you when he is ready. I think ultimately, what it all comes down to, is figure out what you want from this guy, as in casual vs serious, and then trust your gut instincts. Put yourself first and do what feels right. Hope this helps a bit... good luck and keep us posted!!
-
Thank you @whitedaisies and @dancer. Spending the next couple of weeks with him, and it's off to a very blissful start. Fear will not hold me back from experiencing this fully. :)
-
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes
My friends sent that to me last night; just thought I would share. Just goes to show, with time, it WILL get easier.
-
My heart is heavy right now. Results came, he is HSV1 positive (which he knew) and HSV2 negative. He doesn't care though, and still wants to be with me and get to know me and nothing has changed. He doesn't consider this a deal breaker, and realizes in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. But I am scared now... I know this is something that has recently come up on the discussion board, being terrified of hurting someone you care about, and here I find myself in that situation... your discussions couldn't have been more timely @catterpillarmonarch and @cpdx. We are not having sex yet, and we still intend to wait it out and continue developing the strong emotional connection that we already feel... nurture the trust, the compassion and love that is growing between us. I don't want this to hold me back from being the best and most fearless version of myself... and I know I have a choice here, to allow it to hold me back or to find strength in knowing that ultimately the 'risk' is out of my control and if we both open-heatedly choose to be with one another, the risk shouldn't matter. As I write this, I have gone from crying, to seeing this as an opportunity to face a tremendous fear... and I am reminded that the things we fear the most are ultimately the things, that when confronted, propel us into great transformation. The cards have landed, and I owe to him and to myself to do everything I can to release the fear and be authentically and unforgivingly open to receive whatever comes next for us. I suppose this was more of a peace-of-mind rant, but any words of encouragement would be appreciated.
-
Hi @cpdx, first of all, thanks for taking the time to educate yourself and making an informed decision before you pursued the relationship. So many of us are terrified of rejection because of the stigma associated to herpes, and your decision is a reminder that when someone really cares, herpes will never get in the way. Also, I am sorry to hear that you guys are having a rough time right now. Having physical symptoms can certainly affect ones mood and outlook, so give him the time and space he needs right now to just get through this.
Although you have openly accepted the chance of contracting it, he is the one having the trouble accepting the risk. I think some people have an easier time with this than others. Knowing that you are both doing everything you can to protect each other is all that is guaranteed. It sounds like you both really care about one another and it would be a shame to throw that away over 'what if'... the fact is there are no guarantees in life, risks are everywhere. That said, I don't think there is anything you can say to him to make him feel ok... that's going to be something he will have to come to terms with himself.
Have you guys considered counseling? Perhaps openly talking about this with specialist or therapist can help? @Adrial offers coaching, and I believe he is with an H- partner. It could help your bf put his mind at ease, to speak to someone who is actually living his situation. Also, encourage him to come on here for support. He shouldn't have to limit his life, or his love, because of this virus.
I wish I had more solace to offer you, but right now, it will really be up to him to find peace with the risk. And all you can do is be patient, supportive and compassionate as he mulls through everything. I really hope you guys make it through, keep us posted.
-
Hey @s123, thanks for sharing your story! Love reading these success stories. And I love the way you ended it, soooo true: "Just take the risk in confiding in them, and if they're meant to be in your life then they will respond in the best way possible. People will believe you're worth the risk and your life is definitely not over :)"
-
Hi @whitedaisies, good reflection! I've been there too.. i think the diagnosis of this virus is a slap in the face to anyone, a reality check if you will. But when you hit bottom, the best part is knowing there is no where to go but up. It's a great opportunity to reflect on our lives and see an opportunity ripe with change... whether that is internally, in how we treat ourselves or see ourselves, or externally, in the way we are choosing to live or in the people that surround us. Happy to see you making these breakthroughs! One step at a time, but always moving forward. Happiness will come.
-
Hi @buddhadd7, I have never really experimented with drugs so can't speak for that, but I do have some binge drinking sessions with friends once in a while and it definitely affects my immune system. I think overdoing the consumption of any harsh substance will have adverse effects on the body. After a night of heavy drinking, I always stock up on vitamin C, drink tons of water, and get plenty rest and recovery. This usually helps, but it doesn't guarantee preventing an outbreak. That said, don't let this virus stop you from living life and doing what you want. if you have an OB, you'll deal with it and it will go away and you will know for next time. Just be careful, and take time to properly recover after a party night.
-
Hey @tallboy38, I totally understand where you are coming from, because I live in a very small community, where everyone is always in everyone else's business. I would likely feel the same way if I met someone who lived here, but there is a very limited pool of eligibles. Anyways, I get it. If it was me, I would take my time, to really get to know the person and make sure it's someone I can see myself with. I think time will give you some perspective, and you will be able to see what kind of person she really is... ie: compassionate, kind, understanding, etc. That might make you feel 'safer' in telling her, knowing that even if she does not want to take the risk, she would respect you and keep this information to herself. Time will also give her the full picture of who you are and what you have to offer... herpes aside. Not sure if you are looking for something casual or serious, but if it's the latter, just take it slow.
However, there is no guarantee right? I think time will ultimately tell if you think the risk is worth it... ironically. Now, that said, if you are really into her, and she shows you that she is kind-hearted, don't let fear hold you back... live fearlessly and let the cards land where they may. The people that ultimately judge you are uneducated about the facts, and their thoughts cannot dictate your worth, if they do find out. The open-minded, compassionate, kind people will never think anything different of you, and this has been proven time and time again by those who have come out to their entire network. Hope this helps a little. Take your time, and listen to your gut. You'll know what feels right.
.jpg)
late/after-the-fact disclosure gone bad
in The herpes talk: disclosing
Posted
Hi @bird, first of all, you are not the first person to come to this forum to tell this same story. I think you are quite aware that you have made a terrible mistake, but know that there is nothing you can do to take your actions back so don't dwell on the "i should haves". How do you move forward? First, you did the right thing in telling him following your sexual encounter, so that's done. Now, work on you... no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and you need to forgive yourself for the mistake that you made. But then ask yourself how you got there? What can you learn from this mistake? How can you use this experience to be better, to never let that happen again? I think it would be wise to take a step back and do some self-reflection. In no way do I think you deliberately set out to have this happen, but what can you do or how can you alter your behavior to make sure you never put yourself or someone else in that situation again? I think you only have the answers to that... I know your heart if probably riddled with hurt and guilt, but go easy on yourself, and find compassion for yourself, but don't let this situation pass you by in vain... learn something from it. Stay strong.