Amethyst21

Hi RIS... I too contracted H while in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. This is one reason it took me much longer to come to terms with the diagnosis. Over time I have come to realize that a lot if the negative feelings and fear I had were actually a result of my staying in my relationship and not from H alone. My ex would say horrible things to me... That I no one would want me now so I guess I have to stay.... He's draw me in again and again only to push me away and blame when things weren't good. I too kept my diagnosis a secret from my friends and family. I thought if someone so close to me feels like this than what will others say. In part I think I was afraid that they'd confirm my fears. Then I got to a point where I couldn't function, I broke down and we separated. It was only then that I realized that most people are not like him. When I quit isolating and took my time out to heal I was met with kindness and understanding. My first disclosure terrified me, but his response was that I love you means I love you... we'll work this out. When you're in an abusive relationship you think of a million reasons that you can't leave. Thinking back before my diagnosis, there were tons of other negative loops that I caught myself in to tell myself that I couldn't leave. I was so afraid to be alone, but then I realized that what I was dealing with was far worse than being alone. My advice to you is to take some time to yourself. Rely on the support of your friends and family, even if you don't explain the situation with H they will be there for you if you tell them you're having a hard time and let them in. If you need help ask for it... I'm a very independent person and to get out of my bad relationship I had to accept that I needed help and couldn't do it alone. Also take baby steps.... I would get completely overwhelmed if I thought about forever and not just what I needed to do right now. I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation! There are many on this forum who have been in the same boat and have gone on to have a happy future with beautiful relationships. Things may feel hopeless, but they are not and please if you are felling suicidal don't act on it... seek help, things will get better! You are right to reach out for support and I can tell you are a strong and brave woman with much hope for your future. It takes a lot of courage to rise above the things that you are facing, and act in your own best interest, and you're working at it. Please feel free to contact me if you want to chat.

Just one additional comment... Remote disclosure is not something I'd like to do... In person only for me.

Hello all! Long story short... Trying to decide if I should disclose or walk away from this one. So... I recently reconnected with an old friend via IM and we clicked immediately. We're both recently out of unhealthy relationships (I know... Potential red flag ) but we went through a lot of similar experiences and can really relate to each other in ways that others just don't understand. Seems like our conversations always go deep even when we're not trying. Anyhow, texts got pretty steamy but I didn't think too much of it as he lives about 2 1/2 hours away so didn't think anything would come of it. We had a few phone conversations that revealed that we both feel an attraction and connection to each other that was unexpectedly strong. We toyed around with the idea of persuing the relationship further but there were several issues...mainly logistics of living so far apart and both needing time to heal from previous relationships. I kind of left things there but our communication intensified again... Discussing more personal feelings as well as everyday stuff. Still very flirty. He hinted at coming to visit last weekend with sex strongly implied. I kind of laughed it off like he was kidding. Then this week I took the kids for 2 nights to the beach about an hour from where he lives. He came out to meet us and joined us for dinner. Very affectionate with me the whole time. Only a kiss goodnight since kids were ever-present...lol. He left fairly early I don't think he wanted to intrude on family time and messaged again when he got home to see how our night went. I am incredibly attracted to this person physically, emotionally and intellectually. I don't want him to feel rejected by my putting off his advances due to H, but I don't want to disclose when there are other barriers to a relationship. There's no hiding that the chemistry is there on both sides. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like he's waiting for me to make the next move, no texts since yesterday. Maybe I should just invite him to town and just tell him. If he's good with it we can see what happens next and if not at least I was honest in the friendship. Then part of me thinks if he just wants a fling I should just say I'm not interested so I don't have to put myself out there again. I know neither of us is completely over past relationships, but the logic doesn't seem to be slowing down this connection. Any feedback is much appreciated!-Amethyst

... Thank you it's nice to know that others have been in the same spot. I've been trying to keep things light and just have a little fun since life has been pretty stressful lately. Ii went out with my girlfriends to a concert, made a lunch date with a guy I met there., just for fun .. I also reconnected this past weekend with a male friend from years ago... I was surprised to find that there was a great deal of chemistry between us... We have been chatting for the past few days. He lives a couple of hours away. I think he's very interested i nalready in taking the relationship to another level., but I'm not sure what his intentions are in the long run. I have to admit I find a bit intimidating given the situations, but in really enjoying his company. Trying to slow things down and just see how life unfolds. Taking deep breathes ...lol Thanks to everyone for your support and advice! As I try to get back to me! It's much appreciated. -Amethyst 21

Thank you for this information... it's helpful to me to have this. And thank you for your caring and concern for my safety as well. I will be cautious whatever path I choose :-)

Hi Labyrinthgddss I'm in Lake Charles LA... not in TX but near. Let me know if you want to chat.

Hey I would love a H buddy in the Houston, Tx area- male/female doesn't matter. It wound be nice to have someone who understands and lives in my area. I do have to agree with others-using the term H buddy does sound funny. I have had herpes abt 10 months maybe a little longer so having someone to talk things through would be so very helpful!

Thanks for sharing this info... at least I'm not the only one who has more concern than my potential partner about transmission. Hopefully I'll be able to come to terms with the mental side of this soon. I feel like I'm perpetually putting my life on hold over this situation. Hope you have a happy birthday :-)- Amethyst 21

Thanks 2 Legit2 Quit.... that's a good approach. I can just include the background in my explanation as well as the stats. I think I'm just overly emotional right now with everything going on. I don't want to blow things out of proportion, but I also don't want to downplay them either. I appreciate the feed back. If you are willing to share, how is this news usually received when presented in this manner. The one person I have disclosed to, I encouraged to think it through including if he would be ok with it if things didn't work out in the long run, just to make sure he made an informed decision. It didn't change his mind, but I think he appreciated my concern for him. Also, do you have any advice re: your feelings about possibly passing this along. In the end I think it came down to me not being comfortable putting him at risk.

I had a similar experience of misinformation with my Gyn... I found out about my H through a blood test because I was exposed by my partner who later had symptoms. My Dr. told me that I had a "past exposure" but not "active herpes" and that only 1 in 100 people like me are even able to spread this virus. He said to use condoms and it was at my discretion whether to mention it to partners. I later read about viral shedding and had to call and ask for Valtrex to prevent transmission to new partners.

Hi WCSDancer210... Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate your support and shared knowledge. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally with everything going on. I'd like to gain more knowledge about how casual relationships are handled with H if you are willing to provide. While my sx have been very mild, I have a great deal of fear about passing this on. I think a lot of that has to do with my emotional reaction to finding out about this, as well as the circumstances under which I acquired H. It was kind of a double-whammy. I feel mentally that this is one of the things I will need to work on to get past this. On some level I feel that since this has affected my mental state in such a negative way that it seems dishonest of me to present it in as not a big deal to a potential love interest. I don't want someone to feel like they were duped into an emotional/physical risk by me after the fact. My experience has certainly been colored by other life events surrounding my dx as mentioned in my previous post, mainly spousal infidelity resulting in infection followed by emotional abandonment. What I'm trying to do now is pick apart how much of my reaction is to the circumstances, and how much the actual dx so I can approach this in an honest manner with potential partners without scaring them away because of my initial reaction. Please advise. Thanks! Amethyst 21

Hello all... I've been reading here for awhile but this is my first post. I'm currently separated from my husband (my giver), who contracted H during an affair and passed it on before he knew he was infected. This was a scared straight moment for me as the relationship has been unhealthy for sometime in other dimensions (he has narcissistic tendencies and substance abuse). Herpes is far from the worst thing that he could have brought home. While separated I met this amazingly kind man who helped me out with the ensuing chaos and was a steadfast friend. As time went on romantic interest developed between us. I disclosed to him and he was incredibly supportive and accepting of my condition. I found this greatly encouraging, but I still find myself hesitant to take the relationship to the next level. While I care greatly for this man, I don't feel that I have the closure needed to move on to a serious long-term relationship just yet and I'm uncomfortable with putting him at risk until I'm ready to fully commit. If I was H-free I would probably date casually for a while, as I feel the need for companionship, but I'm still dealing with the emotional aftershocks of an abusive relationship. I am a reasonably attractive woman and receive a fair amount of attention from the opposite sex. I was isolated a great deal during my marriage and I'm only just getting used to being around people again, so I've started to contact old friends to rebuild my social life. The problem is that I'm unsure of how to handle casual advances from the opposite sex. I find the line between friendship and flirting is often a fine one and sometimes I cross it without realizing, then withdraw due to H. I don't want to pass this along to someone I'm not involved with for the long haul, but at the same time I feel the need for companionship , but I don't feel capable of making a long-term commitment to anyone. I would never become physically involved without full disclosure.... I'm torn because I feel that it is necessary for me to move on through this phase in healing from my marriage, but I'm uncomfortable about putting anyone at risk for a casual relationship even with their consent and certainly don't want to have to disclose multiple times... that was very stressful for me! Any advice from someone who's been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated. Feeling overwhelmed and confused, this is a tough transition for me even without the added complications of H. Thanks to All - Amethyst 21