cloacina

Thank you so much for your support! I didn't truly believe I had a chance with this guy, and I'm hopeful that I'll meet someone one day that likes me for who I am with my unfortunate luck, weird sense of humor, and everything else that makes me who I am. :-)

*single parents not patents.

I haven't posted in a while, I guess because I've been symptom-free for about that time. Last post I was thinking about dating and how to do it. No success stories here. I have developed a crush on an unlikely person, though. We work at the same company, but it's huge and we're in different divisions. I'm in IT and he's in Personnel. He's like a newer rendition of Jimmy Stewart, and as cute as as he absolutely clueless. He's got a vintagey sort of charm about him, and he's extremely clean cut and well put together. He's a bit awkward and shy, and he's genuinely nice. I'm definitely awkward and shy, but I'm a bit less clean cut, I cuss like a sailor (prerequisite to working in the oilfield), I have tattoos, crazy hair, and while I dress professionally, still a little "edgey". I'm a really sweet person (after coffee) and I have a killer sense of humor. We are both full time single patents, and he made it a point to tell me he was single. He flirts with me, always smiles at me, and always makes a point to say hi. I thought that all meant something, but now I think I was wrong. So for the shitty event: last week, as I was picking my 3 year old from daycare, my car was broken in to and my purse and all of its contents was stolen. I don't have a lot of "valuable" material possessions, but my phone, my money, and you know, all of the things you carry to get you by were probably the most valuable material possessions I do own. My son's favorite Lightning McQueen car was in my purse along with some sentimental things from my beautiful mother that passed away recently. Drivers license, checks, keys, insurance cards.... Yeah, everything. Sadly, I bet most of it is rotting in a ditch or dumpster somewhere (I live in a pretty big city). And not that I run out and seek pity or anything, but strangely, most people have not been terribly sympathetic. I've gotten scolded more than anything else, which I deserve, I suppose for leaving my purse in a locked car at my son's daycare unattended for mere moments. But I'm not searching for sympathy just not looking to get scolded. Trust me, Lesson learned. Now back to Jimmy Stewart. I ran into him, and we've talked on occasion about certain topics and developed a very friendly report, so I wanted to share the event with him. I told him what happened just sort of matter-of-factly, and even cracked a little joke about it. He basically, dryly said "Wow, that sucks" and abruptly turned to talk to another girl as she walked by, which he had never behaved like that towards me before. I was a little shocked. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and walked off. No sympathy. Why is that? I would sympathize with someone. I know not everyone is the same. I had never really delivered a "bad news" type conversation to him, so maybe he sucks at complicated situations? So, is this how he would have reacted to a disclosure, if he were ever an option for me? Well, today I'm having a full on OB probably from the stress, plus I have other things to concern myself with at the moment. But I wonder if that's a good test to see how someone would react? If someone can't handle stressful situations or conversations well, they probably wouldn't handle a disclosure well? What do you think?

@BlueBetty At least you aren't afraid to admit that. There are many stages in grief. Trust me, I know this all too well. @MMissouri Me too! You're 6'?! That's awesome! I hope you find your someone, too. I'll be rooting for you!

@Blue Betty are you joking or making a point? I'm not against dating someone with herpes...shit, I'd be a hypocrite if turned down someone in the same boat as me. In fact, I'd love to date a single dad because I'd feel some common ground because I'm a single mom. But I'm a firm believer that love is blind, and sometimes love comes from opposite experiences. This site always stresses to not limit yourself, and I think that means to keep your heart open to love without judging someone because of a "stigma" if they are a good person. Really, that's all I care about. Do you have a good heart? Are you of sound mind? Do your actions parallel your words? Are you honest and trustworthy? Do you know what love, empathy, and compassion are and do they come naturally to you? That's what I care about. The other stuff is just life. Everyone has some sort of stigma.

@optimist I tried OK CUPID a long time ago (at the suggestion of my brother), but I had pretty awful luck with it. I don't know if I want a physical relationship yet...just get to know people. Yeah, Tinder does have a really bad reputation around here. It could be the pool of people in my area that aren't so great either. I just never took online dating seriously, but I think I may give it a shot. Thank you for your feedback.

@optimist it's awesome to hear of other tall women! Most of the time I feel like a freak show. I was in an elevator packed full of people the other day and it dawned on me that I was the tallest person (!!) in there. It's kind of cool and kind of disheartening at the same time...lol. The lady I was with is probably 5' tall, and she told me to never where heels again! I just laughed cause that ain't gonna happen!

The funny part about it is that I'm tall and "thick". In heels, I'm easily 6'3". Normally, I'm just about 5'11". I read a post about how people always assume tall girls are skinny, but there are exceptions to that rule...lol...and they call us glamazons, which I thought was ridiculously cheesy, but a little reassuring there are more out there like me. What do you think about dating sites? What's your take on them?

Thank you for responding. Honestly, the article ends there. No offers of ever getting out of the loneliness, but I originally posted because most of the people I see regularly tell me, "you should start dating again." I feel like I'm at a point where I'm not totally turned off by the idea, you know? I have never, ever, not once ever had a healthy relationship. But I'm a hopeless romantic. I've always "settled" because I don't get that much attention from the male population, and I always thought it was because I was ugly...but I'm not...I am, however, very tall (especially in heels, which I love) and I am only assuming that most men are intimidated by tall, amazon women (in heels...lol). Plus, I have co-dependency issues, and other toxic stuff from years of "settling" for abusive men (coming from an abusive childhood). I'm no victim either. I'm grateful for what I've learned and I'm still full of hope, love, and light. I know most of the time I'm deep in thought and I have a bad case of RBF (resting bitch face), and that may make it difficult for people to approach me (in general), but I'm working on these things. I am surrounded by people "in love", in relationships, and married. I'm a single mom, too. I love my kids, period. I do feel cheated at times that neither of their fathers were healthy enough (or man enough) to be there for their kids. My awful choice in men (because of my tragic self-worth) led to me having two beautiful, awesome children and becoming a single mom. I selfishly just want to experience love...the real kind...with a man, and I think the article resonated because I still have work to do on me. I don't want to settle for the next abusive jerk that pays me attention because I am lonely. I want to be with someone who loves me for me (stigmas and baggage included) so that I can love them in return. It sounds silly, but I have so much love to give and I feel a little cheated and denied because of my experiences, but I have hope that if I met that right dude that it would be mutual and not one-sided. If not, I still can learn to love myself and love my kids. Does this make sense?

Responding to my own post: In a world where everyone has someone, but me, I was feeling lonely and vulnerable until I got the reassurance that, maybe I'm not ready yet. I read this article and the last two paragraphs really resounded with the truth in my life. http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-faulkner/2015/12/read-this-if-everyone-has-a-boyfriend-but-you/ Excerpt from the article: When everyone has a boyfriend but you, the sad reality is, you probably cry less. Because nothing is quite as painful as being completely alone while you hold hands with a hollow ghost. Nothing is as painful as fighting and struggling for real love, while love stares you in the face and lets you drown. Nothing is as painful as screaming silently, while you force yourself to numb how you are feeling, in hopes that it will make him stay. When everyone else has a boyfriend but you, you learn to cherish the moments of sadness. Because you’re making space for something else. Someone else. Someone that will do more than stand next to you. They will BE next to you. They will hold a space for you. Because not everyone that stands next to you will fully be there. And all the nights of loneliness will teach you what it feels like to just “be.” To just be here. To be here now. To be you. To stop numbing. To stop filling your space with someone that just numbs you. Because nothing is as painful as the moment you realize you’ve been dimming yourself – when you know you are capable of so much light. TC

I don't even know where to begin...No really, how do you date? I've gotten to a point where thinking about a future partner seems like a good idea, but I have no clue how to even date...or even get anyone to notice me. I've been a serial monogamist my whole life...minus a couple of experiences...and I've only been with only a few people (2 in the last 12 years-I'm 34). I've joked before about how sorry my dating profile would be if I ever had one, but even living in a big city with millions of people, I feel...invisible...and I'm a taller lady that's kind of hard to miss, even if you were trying to. I have stacked all of my baggage and "stigmas" against me, and I still think I'm awesome, but I still can't force myself to jump. I have had a really tough decade...and an even tougher year (losing my mother who was more like a best friend/sister), but something is telling me I'm ready. It could be that everyone I know has been saying, "you may want to start dating again" and I don't know it's because they think I'm lonely and going to turn into a crazy cat lady...(and I don't even like cats) or if they are genuinely concerned. By the way, nothing wrong with being a crazy cat lady, if you are one. I read all of the posts about brave people getting in the trenches and facing rejection or having success stories, but I can't even get anyone to notice me. Granted, I haven't really been trying. No one seems to even see me though....so I that's why I don't try. I truly don't mind hanging with myself (and my super cool kids) but I'd selfishly like to be liked...and maybe loved one day...so that I could like/love someone in return, which that would be a first for me anyway...someone loving me, I mean. All of you out there trying to erase stigma with one disclosure at a time...you are my heroes! Keep it up! Hopefully, one day I will be right there with you!

I can only try. :-) loving my kids is easy; loving myself is not.

@Yoga What a douche! Guys that speak/text like that make me cringe! All you need to say is "NEXT!" He's obviously got some growing up to do, and you're better off brushing off your collar and walking away. @WCS Dancer LMFAO! He's a douche too, and your response was EPIC! @Train All you should have said was, "Watch me! But it's not cheating if I don't have a girlfriend. Later." Find someone who won't play games with you or shove your insecurities in your face. We deserve better than that.

Amen, sister! I feel the same. Even after months of being awesome, that something (or in my case, that someone) comes out of the shadows to haunt you. The kink in your armor is penetrated and you crumble. As I looked at the last instance, and the fragments of myself at my feet, I wondered how the hell I'd put me back together. So, I wallowed, ate an entire carton of ice cream and said, Fuck it. Yeah, I cried. Yeah, it hurts. But there's a choice: this can defeat me or this can make me fight harder. I'm good with being single. I can do bad on my own...or maybe I can do alright. We do need to tell more women to find love within themselves. I tell my daughter everyday how loved she is just because she exists. She's a wonderful and beautiful child. So is my son. If I can raise two kids from a "broken" home to feel whole and loved within themselves, then I count that as a win. If there's a man or not, we'll be ok either way.

@2legit You're right. I am dooming myself before even getting started. I sincerely know in my heart I'm not ready to date, so I'm really not even trying. I just feel lonely sometimes, especially when I see happy married couples raising their nuclear family units. I truly don't think I've ever felt a happy, healthy love with a man, and I know my lack of self-worth has a lot to do with that. I am trying to cultivate self-love, and most of the time, I'm ok. Other times, I just wallow in a little puddle of self-pity. I get to point where I'm tired of whining, put my big girl pants on and fiercely work on the things that need to be healed. I'm human and I falter, though. And I almost think I'd rather throw myself in a shark tank with an open wound than ever having anything to do with my psycho ex lol! Seems intense, But I'd have a better time trying to survive the sharks than my ex. Herpes isn't a life-stopper it just sucks that when my cards are down, herpes is waiting in the wings to punctuate for me. But alas, life goes on. You're always so real, and I always appreciate your advice. Thanks, lady! @Sil88 You're right too. I'll be back in the zone soon, just needed to let out some air. And, yeah, it would just be a friend. I'm not looking to offer myself to someone in that way yet because of my track record with picking guys that treat me like coal rather than a diamond (stealing your simile). I had lost my faith in men for a long time, or people in General, but I know good men are out there, and I want to raise my son to be a good man. Side note: no one has ever compared me to Fergie and that is an absolute compliment, so thank you, but as 2legit said, Everyone has their preferences and I seem to be more of an acquired taste lol! Side note 2: I'm not a writer, but I write constantly. I want to write a novel one day, but I am not sure yet what it Will be about. @whitedaisies Thank you, and I should probably smile more. That's something I'm working on. It is a struggle, isn't it! It does get better with each passing day. @Stillmebutwiser omg! Our stories are so similar that It's scary! Please PM me and tell me more. How long have you been going through this? How are you healing from your situation? I'd love to swap war stories and try to find better ways of coping. And no, No supplements or medicine. I try to eat right and avoid the bad stuff, but I'd definitely take some suggestions for folks on a budget.